Path of Shadows - Page 2


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Thread: Path of Shadows

  1. #11
    Actually I greatly appreciate the grammar fixes, I do my best to catch them all, but I know I still miss a lot. Also, Amsel is Vrim's last name and I use persons instea dof people because she is refering to a very specific group, their is a long standing debate over the use of people versus persons. Persons was generally decided on referring to a small group of individuals. People seemed better suited to referring to the faceless masses. Did you happen to read the segment that came before this last post? I wanted to know what people thought of my demon

    "It's only falling in love because you hit the ground."- "I Appear Missing", Queens of the Stone Age

    "She lingers beneath the dying moonbeams; glass in hand, struggling to stand, and in her eyes the universe gleams." - Lady of the Moment

    [Hidden Content ] - Always appreciative of a critique.




  2. #12
    Oh that's right! I wanted to say something about that! I just forgot, in light of everything else I wanted to pontificate about!

    What I wanted to say was that I rather enjoyed that part, particularly the possession part where he was speaking through Lucius. The dialogue was... well, creepy, not to put too fine a point on it. The way it spoke in small clips and fragments really emphasized the ominous feeling behind the whole thing, and I liked the way it was kind of disjointed, sort of like someone in a trance would talk. Really, really good.

    Plus, again, you threw us a curve ball, makings thing even more complicated than they already were.
    "People say I make strange choices, but they're not strange for me. My sickness is that I'm fascinated by human behavior, by what's underneath the surface, but the worlds inside people."
    -Johnny Depp

  3. #13
    Noxicity,

    I can see the imagination behind the story, but I still couldn't get into the first scene. One reason might be that there was no hook or the Kidnapping, which I assume is supposed to be the hook, was underplayed there. The first scene was around 1200 words of descriptions with no action or hook which simply was a turn-off for me.

    I'm not one to talk about grammar, see above, so I'll leave that for someone who knows what they're talking about.

    The second scene is better in that it shows the world that you're writing about; now I know there are vampires and magic in your world. The problem with this part was mainly the shifting of the narrator's view from one person to the other. There is a point where Diana's reference changes to "forcefully pulled the woman onto his lap" this made me feel like the narrator likes him and doesn't want her to be there, heh. It also seemed odd that a vampire lord would come to see someone who tried to kill him several time; isn't this the kind of thing that takes place in a neutral location?

    The third post showed a change of style. In all the previous parts you went into depth detailing every aspect of cloths, physical and emotional descriptions, then she suddenly changed her clothes and you moved on with out describing them. Odd?

    On the last post when Mary's boyfriend thinks it's strange for Mary to leave the apartment, made go back to read the first part and I found it strange that she can't leave when she can freely move around a two-story apartment. Even if she wasn't able to walk she could still use the chair to move around--or so it seemed to me.

  4. #14
    I can see the imagination behind the story, but I still couldn't get into the first scene. One reason might be that there was no hook or the Kidnapping, which I assume is supposed to be the hook, was underplayed there. The first scene was around 1200 words of descriptions with no action or hook which simply was a turn-off for me.
    I can see what you mean. I've been considering shortening it my removing some excess descriptions (even though i love them =( )

    There is a point where Diana's reference changes to "forcefully pulled the woman onto his lap" this made me feel like the narrator likes him and doesn't want her to be there, heh.
    That's a little true I'll admit, but mostly it was just because I didn't want to use her name too often in one paragraph. So I try to find other ways to say it

    It also seemed odd that a vampire lord would come to see someone who tried to kill him several time; isn't this the kind of thing that takes place in a neutral location?
    Both parties are bound by a demonic law, Dominus wanted to offer Lucius a type of treaty. For Lucius to refuse even to meet him is viewed as being worse than him losing his temper and storming out of the room. I'll be going more into demon politics later on =)

    The third post showed a change of style. In all the previous parts you went into depth detailing every aspect of cloths, physical and emotional descriptions, then she suddenly changed her clothes and you moved on with out describing them. Odd?
    She can't move around the apartment freely because she's bed ridden, she had to be assissted just to get into a wheel chair. Syvette would have to physically carry Mary upstairs in order for her to have gotten there herself.

    "It's only falling in love because you hit the ground."- "I Appear Missing", Queens of the Stone Age

    "She lingers beneath the dying moonbeams; glass in hand, struggling to stand, and in her eyes the universe gleams." - Lady of the Moment

    [Hidden Content ] - Always appreciative of a critique.




  5. #15
    Thank you for the review ^^

    "It's only falling in love because you hit the ground."- "I Appear Missing", Queens of the Stone Age

    "She lingers beneath the dying moonbeams; glass in hand, struggling to stand, and in her eyes the universe gleams." - Lady of the Moment

    [Hidden Content ] - Always appreciative of a critique.




  6. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by Tiamat10 View Post
    Oh that's right! I wanted to say something about that! I just forgot, in light of everything else I wanted to pontificate about!

    What I wanted to say was that I rather enjoyed that part, particularly the possession part where he was speaking through Lucius. The dialogue was... well, creepy, not to put too fine a point on it. The way it spoke in small clips and fragments really emphasized the ominous feeling behind the whole thing, and I liked the way it was kind of disjointed, sort of like someone in a trance would talk. Really, really good.

    Plus, again, you threw us a curve ball, makings thing even more complicated than they already were.
    That was what I was going for, I was really feeling the scene and excited to show my readers Marchosias (an actualy demon listed in the lesser tomes of solomen) I like how he still thinks he goes to heaven ^^

    "It's only falling in love because you hit the ground."- "I Appear Missing", Queens of the Stone Age

    "She lingers beneath the dying moonbeams; glass in hand, struggling to stand, and in her eyes the universe gleams." - Lady of the Moment

    [Hidden Content ] - Always appreciative of a critique.




  7. #17
    Quote Originally Posted by Noxicity View Post
    That's a little true I'll admit, but mostly it was just because I didn't want to use her name too often in one paragraph. So I try to find other ways to say it.
    Using Her works too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Noxicity View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by bo_7md
    The third post showed a change of style. In all the previous parts you went into depth detailing every aspect of cloths, physical and emotional descriptions, then she suddenly changed her clothes and you moved on without describing them. Odd?
    She can't move around the apartment freely because she's bed ridden, she had to be assissted just to get into a wheel chair. Syvette would have to physically carry Mary upstairs in order for her to have gotten there herself.
    Wrong quote? Well anyways, I just found it odd that the wheel chair was upstairs.

    Quote Originally Posted by Noxicity
    Thank you for the review ^^
    You're welcome.
    Last edited by bo_7md; June 15th, 2012 at 01:32 PM.

  8. #18
    yes lol I don't know how I ended up putting the wrong qoute in. Guess I was up too late last night. My bad ^^' I guess my thinking was it would be to difficult to keep it down stairs when shed just have to fold it up and bring it up stairs seperately just to get her up the stairs.

    "It's only falling in love because you hit the ground."- "I Appear Missing", Queens of the Stone Age

    "She lingers beneath the dying moonbeams; glass in hand, struggling to stand, and in her eyes the universe gleams." - Lady of the Moment

    [Hidden Content ] - Always appreciative of a critique.




  9. #19
    I've read through the first section and like it very much. It certainly is fast paced, and there is a nice attention to detail that fleshes things out, but I wonder if in just one or two areas (like when she realises Mary's gone and rushes downstairs) things were too sudden. I think in that example you leave it simply as saying she rushes downstairs, and that's fine, after all you don't want to be swamping an important moment, but a little more insight into what that means would be great. I think one extra short sentence between her seeing the wheelchair and rushing downstairs, just to reveal a little of what it makes her feel and therefore what it portends, would make the power come in less jerkily, if you see what I mean.

    Anyway, like it a lot. Hope that helps a bit!

  10. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by Higurro View Post
    I've read through the first section and like it very much. It certainly is fast paced, and there is a nice attention to detail that fleshes things out, but I wonder if in just one or two areas (like when she realises Mary's gone and rushes downstairs) things were too sudden. I think in that example you leave it simply as saying she rushes downstairs, and that's fine, after all you don't want to be swamping an important moment, but a little more insight into what that means would be great. I think one extra short sentence between her seeing the wheelchair and rushing downstairs, just to reveal a little of what it makes her feel and therefore what it portends, would make the power come in less jerkily, if you see what I mean.

    Anyway, like it a lot. Hope that helps a bit!
    That is definetly a good point, I'm fine tuning it all now and once I'm finished I'll post it all at once

    "It's only falling in love because you hit the ground."- "I Appear Missing", Queens of the Stone Age

    "She lingers beneath the dying moonbeams; glass in hand, struggling to stand, and in her eyes the universe gleams." - Lady of the Moment

    [Hidden Content ] - Always appreciative of a critique.




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