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Thread: A Modern Tragedy (short film)

  1. #11
    Actually, I really enjoyed this...
    If anyone hasn't viewed the link yet then look away!

    ---SPOILERS---




    I really like that a number of emotions are shown. He looks somewhat lost in parts, showing remorse in others, then the final act of vengeance. Those emotions all worked nicely together. The music in the background also really added to the effect.

    I also enjoyed how it kept cutting back to the grave as he spoke more, I don't know why I just felt that it was a nice touch!

    The fact he held the gun into the room so 'effects' wouldn't have to be made is just a good trick I think you did well to achieve. It shows you can really make a good film without splashing out money on effect programs and what not, and it still achieved the desired effect (Perhaps have someone inside the room with a flash light to flick on and off would be an added touch to the 'realism' of the gun shots? Not that it's needed but it's something I'd personally have tried just to see if it added an extra 'spark' to the scene)

    All in all, very good. Nice script, nicely put together! I'd actually watch this again! ^^

  2. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Phelpster View Post
    Actually, I really enjoyed this...
    If anyone hasn't viewed the link yet then look away!

    ---SPOILERS---




    I really like that a number of emotions are shown. He looks somewhat lost in parts, showing remorse in others, then the final act of vengeance. Those emotions all worked nicely together. The music in the background also really added to the effect.

    I also enjoyed how it kept cutting back to the grave as he spoke more, I don't know why I just felt that it was a nice touch!

    The fact he held the gun into the room so 'effects' wouldn't have to be made is just a good trick I think you did well to achieve. It shows you can really make a good film without splashing out money on effect programs and what not, and it still achieved the desired effect (Perhaps have someone inside the room with a flash light to flick on and off would be an added touch to the 'realism' of the gun shots? Not that it's needed but it's something I'd personally have tried just to see if it added an extra 'spark' to the scene)

    All in all, very good. Nice script, nicely put together! I'd actually watch this again! ^^
    Thanks so much for the positive words! I really appreciate it!
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  3. #13
    Im working on a few other small/short film scripts that i wanna shoot now. But man, its hard with no budget and all lol. Plus work and kid make it a little hard too lol

  4. #14
    I too make films and television shows professionally. I agree that there is a lot for OP to learn about filmmaking, but I do think that there were some interesting shots that showed good visual instincts. That said, I read some great advice above that I feel no need to repeat. Just wanted to credit the OP where credit was due.

    Keep learning. Immerse yourself in the language of cinema.

  5. #15
    Interesting that WritingFighting's excellent, constructive post, with specific advice on how to improve, was received in a passive-aggressive manner and largely ignored, while the polite posts simply telling OP "great job" and featuring no constructive advice whatsoever were received very warmly.

    Perhaps it's because I'm brand-new to the forum, but what is the point of these topics? Showing off one's works and receiving a bunch of polite, empty praise? Or hearing the honest truth, even if it means your first short shot on a cheap camera was not a masterpiece?

    Honestly, the voice-over was really bad. Cringe-worthy. There is a fine art to voice-overs. The voice itself should sound pleasing to the ears. It must be bold, confident, clear, and convey the appropriate emotions. All of which yours did not. Instead, it was barely audible mumbling. It sounded bored and disinterested at times. And it clashed with the music of the scene. It's also a tricky thing to use in movies, as their whole point is to show through events, not narrate.

    As for the rest, follow WritingFighting's idea and have an actual plot and idea for the short. Even someone like a Kar Wai Wong can't get away with that little of an idea or plot. And if a visual and stylistic genius like him can't, neither can anyone else.

  6. #16
    Interesting that WritingFighting's excellent, constructive post, with specific advice on how to improve, was received in a passive-aggressive manner and largely ignored, while the polite posts simply telling OP "great job" and featuring no constructive advice whatsoever were received very warmly.
    SteelPalm, please hold the focus on the OP's work, we're not critiquing the replies and frankly we do not know if his advice was ignored.

    I will comment on your observation though. There is an art to giving advice in a forum. Constructive criticism is often better received when it does not have an element of negative personal opinion thrown in. In other words, you do not have to tell someone a thing is bad if you are telling them how to make it better. They will get the idea that it needs work.

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  7. #17
    Quote Originally Posted by vangoghsear View Post
    In other words, you do not have to tell someone a thing is bad if you are telling them how to make it better.
    So we should never, ever tell anyone that a story or Youtube video of theirs is "bad"? How else will they gain an accurate assessment of their current work, and the improvement that needs to be done?

    I would much rather be told a work of mine is bad if the reader thinks so, and not have them hold back on the criticism. I want honesty, not empty, polite praise. What else is the point of posting of one's work?

    By the way, WritingFighting did something very unusual for the OP. He is a guy who works in movies and television that gave an extremely helpful response on how to improve. He could have just as easily ignored it, as 99% of professionals do. Many amateur filmmakers would kill for a chance at the type of professional feedback he gave.

    I'm sure the response he received was highly discouraging, and might have contributed to him no longer giving criticism or even visiting the forum.

  8. #18
    Member wainscottbl's Avatar
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    I liked it. For a short piece if conveyed what it should. I got it. The guy lost someone, was made, sought vengeance and it ends there--because that's how the film maker wanted it.

    I do agree with others that it lacks something, but I think what is lacks is more skill than talent. Talent is clearly there but you learn from your mistake OP. I am so proud of my newest great work. But I think back on all the things I called great ten years ago. I kept working, working on my poetry and well...you produce some good stuff early on, but see the bad, take the criticism with humility and honesty and keep working. This might seem bad in your eyes one day. But I like it and there is always room to improve. Not sure if I am making sense. I like it, but I am not very knowledgeable in film.
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  9. #19
    Creative Area Specialist (Fiction) Blade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Edward Picot View Post
    Personally I think it could do with less narrative/voiceover, not more. I quite like the fact that it shuttles backwards and forwards in time, and what's going on isn't fully spelt out, which makes us work a little bit to try to guess, and that has the effect of drawing us in.
    I would agree with this. The character has an air of obsession and determination that the narrative does not improve on. One spot I found both unnecessary and distracting was the shot of the address number when he returned to the apartment building.
    I was fighting with temptation but I didn't want to win.
    A man like me don't like to see temptation caving in.
    Leonard Cohen

  10. #20
    Definitely well-done for a first try, and well-done for a movie made with limited resources. Liked the silhouetted angle towards the end. Just a few nits--
    -The fact that the gravestone said "together forever" seemed cliched and distracted from the seriousness of that part
    -I did not understand the shooting part, why did he fire five times and in a downward sweep, and why was there no audible response from the people/person he shot?
    -near the beginning, the sudden switch between the sad music and the techno-esque music didn't quite work for me
    All in all it was a well-put-together project.
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