Untitled Mystery (Mild language and some drug references) - Page 2

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Thread: Untitled Mystery (Mild language and some drug references)

  1. #11
    Member Offeiriad's Avatar
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    Jun 2011
    New Orleans
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    Without having all of it, I can't say how to improve it more. Is this a completed work? If so, go through it and apply my advice where you can throughout. If not, apply it as you go along.
    I don't think my advice is better than anyone else's and they usually beat me to it anyway.

  2. #12
    Steamship, I enjoy the descriptive writing style. It paints detailed images of the scene--the snail, landlady, and apartment, in particular--as well as the MC, which does a great job in drawing the reader in to the MC's home, personality, and lifestyle. I especially enjoyed the canned spaghetti dilemma, the decision to smoke one of the cigarettes, and searching for (and finding) the leather jacket. I've been in each of these situations and had the same thoughts, so it made me laugh. The actions and the MC's thought process are real and many people can relate to them in one way or another. This makes the MC very believable to the "everyman/woman" out there and starts to create a bond bewteen the reader and the MC. I found myself already rooting for him--the poor, struggling writing--to take the Vermillion job and make some money.

    Great job so far! Offeririad covered the main grammatical issues. I noticed just a few main issues outside of his comments:

    1. In one case, you used double quotation marks; all others, single quotation marks. In the U.S., we use double quotation marks (not sure if the rule is different where you are).

    2. Remember to include a comma before the dialogue in quotation marks.

    3. Separate dialogue from different speakers (or descriptive text) with a blank line in between (as below):

    Ex. "Good Morning Vermilion Manor Bed and Breakfast," a chirpy female voice answers.

    I casually reply, "Hi, I’m Mr Valentine. I received an invitation from Richard Vermilion. May I speak with him?"

    "I’ll put you through," she says, and the phone goes silent for a second before the radio starts playing in the background.

    I hope that helps! I look forward to your next chapter.

  3. #13
    I've noticed a few things we do differently to the US (I'm Australian by the way) Including the usage of the letter U in our words. e.g. Favor as opposed to Favour, Color and Colour etc... there a few other things Grammar wise as well, so it's hard to pick sometimes.

  4. #14
    Steamship--I left a reminder for you to add a comma before your quoted dialogue begins. But I just posted some of my chapters, and when posted some of my commas before dialogue vanished. Now I'm wondering if your original has commas in these areas, but they were missing in your post? If not, then I need to take a closer look at my original. Will you let me know if you notice anything like this in yours? Thanks!

  5. #15
    Ill have to look at my Original copies to see if it's done the same. Will finish reviewing chapter two tonight and hopefully will add tomorrow.

  6. #16
    Why did you choose to use the term gastropoda? This uncommon word needs a reason to be included. It was rather jarring to see it included in the first line of your work.

  7. #17
    I like the word, and know it's uncommon. The boredom the main character experiences causes him to use odd words when describing things and often does things that are considered strange simply because I do this when I'm bored. The whole character is not based on me but I've added a few quirks that are often pointed out to me as it makes it easier to write from what I know. These sort of oddities are throughout the novel I'm writing. They may be odd and when finished if they don't fit can easily be scrubbed out.

  8. #18
    Actually, that is a very good reason, I find myself doing similar things at times. And after I thought about it a little, who better to know the scientific name for the snail family than a gardener? Perhaps it would improve your story to make these ideas more obvious to the reader.

  9. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by xanthreterra View Post
    Perhaps it would improve your story to make these ideas more obvious to the reader.
    This is actually a topic I talk to a few friends about in relation to film and literature, at what point do you leave the reader/viewer to work things out for themselves without having to explain everything. Also I know it's one sentence, but isn't half the fun not understanding something and having to look it up (something I do, not sure if anyone else does).

  10. #20
    Fair enough. If you had a reason and some thought going into it don't let me stop you, its your story. Also, I admit to enjoying the Wikipedia article on gastropods so I guess your idea is not without merit.
    Last edited by xanthreterra; December 13th, 2011 at 01:48 AM. Reason: spelling

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