The Deep

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Thread: The Deep

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Pretoria, South Africa

    The Deep

    There is a place
    within our souls
    it reaches deep below
    and touches at a precious part
    that only our hearts may know.
    It is a quiet place,
    no dark, no light,
    where eyes cannot see
    and reason cannot fight.
    One cannot pull, one cannot push,
    in this nowhere place,
    it is a gentle, softer touch
    that brings one face to face.
    Sometimes man may lose his way
    into his inner keep,
    the noise of life, of worries,
    and new and newer knowledge,
    drowns out the quiet of the path
    that leads him to the deep.
    If one remains apart from there
    for long, and longer still,
    the path is lost, the place grows cold,
    and no object will fill
    the consequence, the emptiness,
    the touch of death instills.

  2. #2
    Member Our_Pneuma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    South Florida
    I have to be honest, Willow. After reading the poem several times, I was still not able to make the connection. I may be wrong, but the entire piece seems to be an abstraction about the event of death. Again, I'm not sure of this after reading the poem 4-5 times.

    If you're implying the cause or occurrence of death, ensure that your reader will read, and reread, the piece because they caught a glimpse and were intrigued by the ideas presented. In this piece, I was not able to enjoy what was delivered, because I was preoccupied with trying to figure out the ideas presented within the poem. I felt as though I was studying a piece with no information to guide me. Again, this is just my interpretation.

    My suggestion is: Revise The Deep. When you do so, make every attempt to put in words what you're thinking- say what you mean. You can achieve this and the poem will still have the quality and mystery that you desire. One way is to use more imagery. This will help the quality of the piece, and help the reader to enjoy it.

    Thank you for sharing.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Pretoria, South Africa
    Thank you so much for the feedback I think that's a problem with a lot of the things I write. I wonder if I explained what I was thinking, if perhaps then you could say if it still confuses you? But I will most definitely revisit this poem and see if I can't make it more accessible.

    Sometimes I write a poem solely for the emotion of it, and the intention is to leave the reader with a specific feeling rather than a thought or argument, although I do both here. This poem was written after a period of, how can I put this, darkness? I tried to ignore the spiritual side of life, and of myself. My existence became very narrow, and shallow. Trying to find my way back from that place to a place of vibrance and depth was, and still is, very difficult. I articulate that struggle almost as a warning in the poem. To be honest, and perhaps this is why it is so incomprehensible, this poem is incomplete. I end by saying it's practically impossible to find your way back, when in fact that is exactly what I had been trying to do, and why I wrote the poem. It is about losing and finding your spirituality, and I use the idea of dying to articulate that.

    But please keep your eyes open for a revised, more complete version!

  4. #4
    Instead of tell us what the place is/isn't how about some new images that show us that place, or show us what it is or isn't?


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