The Juice - Page 3


Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 21 to 25 of 25

Thread: The Juice

  1. #21
    Thanks Penny. You are exactly right. I'll leave it off.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    Robert G. Allen

  2. #22
    Could use work, but it is not a bad idea. Just clear up the stories obscurities and work on the dialogue; it is a little blase. This could be used as a good excerpt for a story after you have it revised.

  3. #23
    Hi Lass,
    cool idea. I got here after reading your prequel bit. You might consider marrying them up and adding chapter one to the title.

    Dialogue is one of my many weak areas, I take as much practice at it as I can. Yours is pretty good, but could still do with a little polish.
    I enjoy your poetry. I would have expected a touch of it in your prose. Looked hard and didn't see any.
    See ya round.

  4. #24
    Just an opinion, but I feel you might explain with prose a bit more and dialogue a bit less. As it is, sometimes the dialogue seems a bit forced, like a vehicle to tell the story, rather than what someone might actually say. It does still pull you along though so it's well done overall. Best of luck.

  5. #25
    I like this. It was short, which was probably why the dialogue was one-sided. Had to fit in a lot in a few sentences. My favorite was the fact that you had no idea what he was talking about until the very end. Nice work.

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.