The Juice - Page 3

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Thread: The Juice

  1. #21
    Thanks Penny. You are exactly right. I'll leave it off.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    Robert G. Allen

  2. #22
    Could use work, but it is not a bad idea. Just clear up the stories obscurities and work on the dialogue; it is a little blase. This could be used as a good excerpt for a story after you have it revised.

  3. #23
    Hi Lass,
    cool idea. I got here after reading your prequel bit. You might consider marrying them up and adding chapter one to the title.

    Dialogue is one of my many weak areas, I take as much practice at it as I can. Yours is pretty good, but could still do with a little polish.
    I enjoy your poetry. I would have expected a touch of it in your prose. Looked hard and didn't see any.
    See ya round.

  4. #24
    Just an opinion, but I feel you might explain with prose a bit more and dialogue a bit less. As it is, sometimes the dialogue seems a bit forced, like a vehicle to tell the story, rather than what someone might actually say. It does still pull you along though so it's well done overall. Best of luck.

  5. #25
    I like this. It was short, which was probably why the dialogue was one-sided. Had to fit in a lot in a few sentences. My favorite was the fact that you had no idea what he was talking about until the very end. Nice work.

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