The Juice - Page 2

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Thread: The Juice

  1. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by Brock View Post
    This instantly reminded me of the vampires playing baseball in Twilight, once I realized this was about vampires, which was not until the fourth sentence from the end. Yes, I was a little slow to catch on, but this is what I liked about it.
    Well, I've never read/seen Twilight. I just thought that what if... What if it wasn't steroids that made some guys better, but.... blood. The feeling is supposed to be a modern-esque Mark Harris-type thing.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  2. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by L Marrick View Post
    I really enjoyed this. I agree that the dialogue needs to be a little less one-way, but it didn't turn me off just as you have it. It did seem Bill was a little unconcerned about Rett. I'd like a little more setting--I kept picturing Rett lying unconscious on a baseball field for some reason, even though you mentioned he felt like he was on a bed. I LOVED the "allergy to my favorite Italian herb" bit. Priceless. I wasn't confused about why he'd say "our kind," and I didn't think that Rett was a vampire--at least, not before he drank the juice. I'm interested as to why Bill would infect his friend. I'd definitely read more!
    Hi, welcome to WF! Thank you for your kind words.

    I've revised and revised it so maybe i lost something if you don't know. Rett wants to be as good as Bill. And Rett always secretly thought Bill was a hypocrite who juiced on steroids. But no--Bill has a bigger secret and the only way he could be safe telling Rett would be to infect him, too. But Rett had No Idea At All that Bill was a vampire and that *that* was why he was so doggone good.

    That said, any help anyone (you included) can give me to put across the ideas I'm trying to -- the story I want to tell about Rett -- would be greatly appreciated.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  3. #13
    Maybe if Rett had a flashback or a memory something strange from the conversion time,(a memory of a pain in his neck or something weird happening.)
    A description of how the juice tastes, (tangy, with a sort of coppery aftertaste) would be good too.
    If Rett asked some questions as Bill goes along it would perhaps improve the dialogue thing and why Rett didn't know until the end...have him get an inkling along the way that he wasn't in Kansas anymore.
    As his head clears have him experience the muscles and bodily changes and notice the pulse in Bills know vampire stuff.
    Hints only, cause I love the last line. Just saying...
    Last edited by egpenny; November 12th, 2011 at 09:45 AM. Reason: Read it...eke, lots of errors

  4. #14
    I tried to convey the head-clearing and stuff but maybe I need better word choices.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  5. #15
    An interesting story. There are a few things you can tighten. You dialogue tags are used only for dialogue when they should work more for your story. (he said) and such, is great if you need to show possession of the words, but unless there is confusion, 'he said' is not needed, or at least if you wish to put a tag, use one that will move the story forward, draw in the scene. A bit like 'Who are you waiting for?' he asked - 'he asked is known by the question mark, so it becomes redundant or at least gives no real reason for being used.

    You also use simile phrasing a bit much. 'like/almost' etc - state what is there, dont' be shy to let the readers intelligence work. They know what is real and what is just a metaphor/simile without pointing.

    Watch for repetitive wording. use your 'find/search' and see if there are words which you use too often. Replace them with stronger words, make note of those words and make yourself be aware and so when you write again, you will consciously change them to improve your writing.

    I liked this piece. The self-dialogue at the beginning could be tighter also, not a lot of work to do, but to polish there is some.


  6. #16
    Good hook, good dialogue, I look forward to reading more of your stuff. Good story development.

  7. #17
    I was told to post my revision at the end of the thread.

    My head hurt. Worse than my hand did when I was hit by that pitch last September and had to have surgery. I opened my eyes, then closed them again. The light made it worse. Like most ballplayers, I'd been hungover before. Not like this. My mouth felt like I'd eaten the lint from all the dryers at a laundromat. Where was I anyway? I took a deep breath to steady myself and tried to remember. Something smelled like cat piss. I don't have a cat.

    Somewhere up and to my left, a voice asked,. “Rett? You awake?”

    It was Bill, one of our catchers and the guy who had the New Year's party. Memory began to trickle back.

    “Rett?” Bill asked again, a little louder.

    I grunted.

    “Here, drink this, it'll help.”

    I had to sit up if I was going to drink. I hadn't realized how weak I was—it took me two tries. I opened my eyelids a crack to see him standing there with a glass of something red and a bottle that, if I were lucky, would be aspirin. I didn't believe in "hair of the dog" but right then I'd go for anything wet.

    I took the glass, being careful not to spill any. A small sip didn't detect any vodka but maybe my mouth was too cottony to notice. “Aspirin?” I croaked.

    He poured a few tablets into his hand then into my outstretched palm. I washed them down with the juice.

    “I feel like shit. What the hell was I drinking? Why didn't you call me a cab?”

    “Because I wanted to keep an eye on you. And because we need to talk,” he said.

    What had I done while I was drunk last night? I downed the rest of the juice and waited for the bad news. He must have seen something on my face because he said, “No, you're not in trouble, not exactly.”

    I thought about what kinds of things could turn Bill serious. Gameplay was one, but at a party? There's a classic rock song about someone who goes to a party and acts the big shot only to forget what they said. Was that me?

    Whatever it was--however I ruined your party--I'm sorry.”

    I don't know if I looked as dejected as I felt but Bill was quick to correct me. “No, it was after the party. You kept asking me for my secret. Well, I gave it to you.”

    Bill Jessup. I think he had won every non-pitching award at some time. And I don't remember what he told me about how he did it.

    You juice.” It was not a question.

    Bill sighed. “No. They test for it. And it's bad for you. I can't afford to risk my health. You see, I'm infected with a virus.”

    I looked at him. Really looked. The omnipresent sunglasses hid his eyes and his thoughts.

    “I have a disease. Although usually the word is used to describe something bad, this actually makes me a better athlete."

    "Whatever I eat pretty much passes through me, though I'm able to absorb the water and alcohol from liquids. And I've developed an allergy to my favorite Italian herb. But the main difference in my diet is that I now must consume blood. Like the glass I gave you." I felt queasy.

    "The common belief is that my kind either don't exist or are destroyed by sunlight. I'm here and you've played day games with me. But I should really say 'our' kind."

    My mind spun. “Our kind?”

    “Last night I made you a vampire.”
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  8. #18
    Hi. That was odd. I was just in the mood to read something and an email popped up saying you had made a revision.

    This sounds an improvement, it read much better. I am still uncertain at the end though. Is Rett aware that Bill is a vampire? If Bill turned him/her into one then perhaps it would be more intriguing for Rett to find this out another way rather than being told.

  9. #19
    Rett wasn't aware. He thought Bill was using steroids. And had some secret way to not have them detected. But Bill never gave Rett a straight answer. So Rett is really drunk, and maybe Bill is a little, too. Because he decides to do whatever it is that makes someone a vampire to Rett. Rett was too drunk or vampire-spelled or whatever to remember that anything happened. The reasons Bill didn't tell Rett before and is telling him now are:
    • Bill trusts Rett but not enough to tell him the vampire secret unless Rett has a stake in it
    • Bill wants to educate Rett about vampirism so nothing bad / public happens because Rett is a vampire and doesn't realize it. While these incidents might make good stories, the trouble is, Bill is too smart to let that happen if he can avoid it.
    • Bill wants to cement the friendship, not destroy it.

    Basically, although Rett is the protagonist, it's really Bill's I'm-a-great-baseball-player-because-I'm-a-vampire story. The question that it answers in my mind, as the author is, what if these guys who say they don't juice *really* don't juice--how else can you explain it?

    If this gets to the point where it makes sense to people I may write some Rett stories. Only about Rett, not just from his POV.

    (Rett is short for Everett -- I wanted something different for a name.)
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  10. #20
    I like the revised story, I like the ending too, nice little twist that made me smile. The only thing I have to say that is nit picky is toward the end, where Bill is talking, ending with "Like the glass I gave you." I'd leave off the I felt queasy. That or give him his own line or add it to the my mind spun line. I think Rhett stories would be a good thing. Penny

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