The Mechanical Apostles, Chapter One - Page 4

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Thread: The Mechanical Apostles, Chapter One

  1. #31
    Reading through the first few posts I believ you are on to a good start. Characters have depht and story has a purpose keep on writing

  2. #32
    Interesting story, I can't say much about the writing other than it's a lot better than mine. But about the story, just some things you might want to think about, and if you already are, or have, then ignore my useless ranting. Why must Freya be the one to help the boy? As for the, jostling throng. Where they members of this infirmary, or a crowd of normal people? why where they gathered? ---If i had to guess, if they where a group of normal people, it was either to make the scene a bit more interesting, just something to come to that equals the urgency that was shown towards the beginning, after they left Freya's room. (I hope not) or it could have been to show how peaceful of a world they are living in. One where many can spare the sympathy for even a stranger. If they where infirmary workers, then I have to hope that you have a good answer for why Freya had to be the one to help the boy, a reason either Thornson, Dorian, or someone knew beforehand.Whether purposeful or not, just some inconsistencies I noticed. I like using incosistencies I find in my stories to my advantage. You have to do it fast, otherwise the reader will forget about it soon. But once you get them to think something is off, you can twist it around to make it a part of the story, a strategy that never ceases to amaze.
    Last edited by Deyo; November 4th, 2011 at 12:38 AM.
    "it is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows."- Epictetus

  3. #33
    Thanks guys for your feedback. Deyo, that's a very interesting thought. I intended the crowd to be regular abbey-folk who have crowded the infirmary to offer help and see what's going on, as the news would travel fast around the place. Freya was called to help Ira as she is about his own age and is the daughter of the Abbot, who was leading the activities. I agree though that if there were some special reason for Ira and Freya to be brought together that would make it more interesting, so I'll have a little think about that one.

  4. #34

    The Mechanical Apostles, Chapter Two (First third)

    Chapter Two has its own thread now, which is what I should have done initially. Please ignore this one.
    Last edited by Higurro; January 8th, 2012 at 11:27 PM.

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