"Legacy of Dust and Stone" (Fantasy/Cyberpunk)


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Thread: "Legacy of Dust and Stone" (Fantasy/Cyberpunk)

  1. #1

    "Legacy of Dust and Stone" (Fantasy/Cyberpunk)

    Please follow this link to get to the most recent version of chapter 1 and 2!

    http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy...ml#post1484503

    Also, here is a link to the downloadable ebook which I will keep updating as I edit/add chapters. There are no ads or links or anything else in it other than the story itself and it can be opened with any standard reader (I use mobipocket):

    http://avadome.com/d/lodas.prc


    EDIT HISTORY
    #1: No longer dragging out the details about those news (thx to josh.townley)#2: Completely reworked all three chapters into 2 (see link above)
    #3: removed old versions because lots of people just read them instead of the new, completely ignoring my really large hint on top

    -- old version removed, please see link on top for new version --
    Last edited by MadBen; December 4th, 2011 at 08:40 AM.
    "Fair enough, but to some people, getting Sherlock Holmes wrong is like offering
    a Bacon Butty to a Rabbi."
    -- Pilgrim

  2. #2
    Member josh.townley's Avatar
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    It's an intriguing start. I found the style of writing to be quite interesting and it certainly made me want to find out more. My only criticism, though, is that I think you might be leaving out too much and trying to be a bit too mysterious. For example 'Tara could hardly believe her eyes when she watched the news that morning'. That's a good way to catch the reader's interest, but if you don't actually tell us what the news is before too long, it gets annoying. It felt like there was too much being withheld so I didn't really have a clear picture of what was going on.

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by josh.townley View Post
    It's an intriguing start. I found the style of writing to be quite interesting and it certainly made me want to find out more. My only criticism, though, is that I think you might be leaving out too much and trying to be a bit too mysterious. For example 'Tara could hardly believe her eyes when she watched the news that morning'. That's a good way to catch the reader's interest, but if you don't actually tell us what the news is before too long, it gets annoying. It felt like there was too much being withheld so I didn't really have a clear picture of what was going on.
    Thanks for reading and commenting
    Good point on that section, I shall change it immediately ^^
    "Fair enough, but to some people, getting Sherlock Holmes wrong is like offering
    a Bacon Butty to a Rabbi."
    -- Pilgrim

  4. #4
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    So far I really like what you have. The start is interesting and makes me curious for more. You've done a good job establishing an environment and a certain feel to the story without having to force it. I honestly can't find much to critique at this point (I wish i could help more >.<) but am looking forward to seeing what's next.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Iggy View Post
    So far I really like what you have. The start is interesting and makes me curious for more. You've done a good job establishing an environment and a certain feel to the story without having to force it. I honestly can't find much to critique at this point (I wish i could help more >.<) but am looking forward to seeing what's next.
    Thanks, Iggy, I'm glad you liked it. I hope you will enjoy the next chapter as well.
    Now to go and post that second chapter...
    "Fair enough, but to some people, getting Sherlock Holmes wrong is like offering
    a Bacon Butty to a Rabbi."
    -- Pilgrim

  6. #6
    -- old version removed, please see link on top for new version --
    Last edited by MadBen; December 4th, 2011 at 08:40 AM.
    "Fair enough, but to some people, getting Sherlock Holmes wrong is like offering
    a Bacon Butty to a Rabbi."
    -- Pilgrim

  7. #7
    Member Nevermore's Avatar
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    I love how well write it is, and the style of writing really draws you in. Character design is quite nice, and the idea behind your story is very creative. Keep on writing!

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Nevermore View Post
    I love how well write it is, and the style of writing really draws you in. Character design is quite nice, and the idea behind your story is very creative. Keep on writing!
    Thanks once more, I hope the next chapter will be to your liking as well
    "Fair enough, but to some people, getting Sherlock Holmes wrong is like offering
    a Bacon Butty to a Rabbi."
    -- Pilgrim

  9. #9
    -- old version removed, please see link on top for new version --
    Last edited by MadBen; December 4th, 2011 at 08:41 AM.
    "Fair enough, but to some people, getting Sherlock Holmes wrong is like offering
    a Bacon Butty to a Rabbi."
    -- Pilgrim

  10. #10
    Fascinating Story. I really enjoy the complexity and the detail you are putting behind your story. After reading the first chapter I had initial trouble understanding what was happening. Maybe it was a lack of detail, but I think it's because a lot of the terms go unexplained, like Meta for example. The following chapters where much better after an explanation was delivered, and that's when I became enthralled by the story. Clever, interesting, and unique. You're getting me to like some of your characters already, like Elza, truly awesome. Very interesting dialogue, Keep it up, will definitely read more.

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