Fix Me


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Thread: Fix Me

  1. #1

    Fix Me

    Chapter One

    ďJust take it,Ē Yolexa says as we stand behind some bleachers. ďCome on Pen, I know you want to.Ē Yoís thick brown hair waves like a flag in the wind. Sheís shivering in the crisp autumn day, trying not to drop the little black pill in her hand. Her skin is changing from its natural caramel color to a paler tan. I can tell sheís been on it for a while now.


    I give her one hard look, like I am finally ready to tell her Iím quitting. But I havenít been there in days and I miss him. The only way I can see him again is if I take it.

    ďIím serious, letís go. Iíve already taken mine and itís starting to kick in, so make your mind up already.Ē She takes my hand and drops the black pill in my palm. I can feel it already clinging to me like a magnet. It wants to get inside my veins. And for some reason, without hesitation I bring it to my mouth and pop it in. After taking a hard, dry swallow, Yo tugs at my parka and pulls my arms. Her green eyes are already starting to change into a light yellow. I still canít understand how she gets away with it. I believe itís her sexy charmóespecially with the male teachers.

    ďThere, thatís better. Now I can see everything,Ē she says, scanning with her newly drugged-up eyes. We dart to the school entrance and make it inside before the bell rings. I feel like I could throw up at any moment, but thatís the first sign the pill is working.

    I race to my locker as Yo and I part ways from there. ďKeep your eyes open, Pen. Remember, donít fall asleep.Ē

    ďI canít. I wonít,Ē I tell her as she turns away. Cramming my book-bag in my locker, I turn back to tell her the same, but sheís already gone.

    I slam the locker door shut and thatís when it kicks in. I could almost see inside my head. My senses are so high. I could smell the burnt meatloaf and could almost taste the soupy mashed potatoes in the cafeteria on the other side of the school.

    I look down at my arms, feeling the drug strengthen my limbs. With every step I take, I could feel my muscles in my legs tighten. Iím almost flowing to homeroom.

    Once the pill is at its second stage, I begin to change the atmosphere from the early morning light to a pale blue moonlit glow. As long as my alterations donít conflict with anyone stronger than me thatís on it too. But itís been over a year now and I havenít run into that, well except for that one day.

    Instead of the principalís announcements over the intercom, I change it to the alternative station. The music plays softly through the speakers in the halls as I finally get inside first period homeroom.

    I take a seat and see him start to form at the corner of the room. Dark shadows of a slender young male appear. Some students look at me with their drugged eyes (the ones that are on it too) and warn me with their thoughts.

    ďItís not safe, Pen,Ē Derek whispers through my mind as he continues to stare me down. ďRemember what happened, beforeÖjust donít do it.Ē

    ďThe Jackal isnít here,Ē I whisper back. ďDonít worry.Ē He gives me one last look of disapproval, yet looks away.

    I try to be as careful as possible. Yet itís hard to sometimes sense the Jackalís form since it changes every time Iíve seen it. I just donít think itís here, though. The drug would have little to no effect.

    Zeekís dark shadows continue to form and turn into flesh tones. I tell him to wait, to listen to me and not my racing heart. That should slow down the process till the change is complete.

    If I could just make it till nine oí clock, then Iíll have full power and be able to better defend myself and anyone else for that matter. I just canít let my powers crisscross either, that would be badóreally bad.

    8:55ófive more minutes and I could will myself and Zeek out of here. Then I could finally talk to himótell him the truth. I need to tell him the only reason he exists is because of me. And only when Iím on Fix.

    This will be our last time together. I need to stop this madness. Get my life straight, before this drug does that for me.

    Heís there, standing in the corner of the room. The teacher and other students not on Fix are oblivious to what has changed and they have no idea of Zeek either. Only Derek and a few others see him. Zeekís long wavy hair grows down as his symbols draw with deep ink on his arms. Itís the branded symbols that show he isnít real to the others. But I see that Zeek getting stronger every time Iím with him. Iím beginning to wonder how I can control him and all this anymore. Thatís why I must tell him, before the Jackal sees how much energy Iíve stored inside him.

    He looks at me with loving eyes, waiting for my command. He wonít fully form until I say. And once it turns nine, I get up and walk towards him.

    ďIt has begun,Ē he says to me softly. ďWere shall we go?Ē

  2. #2
    You may be able write this sentence better with the yellow ENTERING her green eyes {Her green eyes are already starting to change into a light yellow}
    You change to past tense here, which may be allowable technically, but I did not like it { I could smell the burnt meatloaf and could almost taste the soupy mashed potatoes in the cafeteria on the other side of the school.}
    I did not think this section was very clear { I tell him to wait, to listen to me and not my racing heart. That should slow down the process till the change is complete.}
    I am not positive, but I think the comma here is incorrect {o’ clock, then}
    This did not read well for me {The teacher and other students not on Fix are oblivious to what has changed and they have no idea of Zeek either}
    PLOT AND CHARACTERIZATION AND PACE SEEM VERY GOOD

    Thanks

  3. #3
    Thanks I already revised this chapter quite a bit, but I will certainly go back and rearrange those awkward sentences and see if I could come up with something better. Thank you so much for the read and review, I sincerely appreciate...big time!

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