How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] - Page 9


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Thread: How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning]

  1. #81
    WF Veteran Sunny's Avatar
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    Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water it turns to lemonade.
    for kyle: Freel Barter Braby Hidden Content

  2. #82

  3. #83
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    Do You Think A Gallon Of Petrol Is Too High?



    This is not exactly a joke, but I believe it's interesting enough for sharing with you:

    To put things into perspective, compare it with the following:

    Diet Apple Juice 16 oz £1.29 £10.32 per gallon

    Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 £9.52 per gallon

    Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 £10.00 per gallon

    Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 £33.60 per gallon

    Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz £8.35 £17813 per gallon

    Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 £123.20 per gallon

    Tippex 7oz £1.39 £5.42 per gallon

    Best of all:

    Evian water 9 oz £1.49 is £21.19 per gallon

    £21.19 for nothing but water and the buyers don’t even know the source.

    By the way, did you realise that Evian read backwards means naïve?

    There’s no need to compare the price of petrol with that of perfume or aftershave.

    Have you ever wondered why some computer printers are so cheap?

    To make you become hooked on the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at the staggering price of £5,200 per gallon.

    So, next time you are filling up, be glad your car doesn’t run on water or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, printer ink!
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  4. #84
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    Anagrams



    PRESBYTERIAN:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    BEST IN PRAYER

    ASTRONOMER:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    MOON STARER

    DESPERATION:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    A ROPE ENDS IT

    THE EYES:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    THEY SEE

    GEORGE BUSH :
    When you rearrange the letters:
    HE BUGS GORE

    THE MORSE CODE:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    HERE COME DOTS

    DORMITORY:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    DIRTY ROOM

    SLOT MACHINES:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    CASH LOST IN ME

    ANIMOSITY:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    IS NO AMITY

    ELECTION RESULTS:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

    SNOOZE ALARMS:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

    A DECIMAL POINT:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    I'M A DOT IN PLACE

    THE EARTHQUAKES:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    THAT QUEER SHAKE

    ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    TWELVE PLUS ONE

    How about this one?

    MOTHER-IN-LAW:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    WOMAN HITLER
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  5. #85
    Member felix's Avatar
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    Always loved the Woman Hitler.


    ---------


    An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the barman says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

  6. #86
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    We Are Survivors!



    Dedicated to those born before 1950


    We were born before TV, penicillin, polio shots, frozen food, Zerox, plastic, contact lenses, videos, Frisbees, and the pill. We were there before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ball point pens, dishwashers, tumble driers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip dry clothes, and – just think – before a man walked on the Moon.

    We got married first and then lived together! How quaint can you get? We thought fast food was what you ate in Lent, a Big Mac was an over-sized raincoat, and crumpet we had for tea. We existed before house husbands, computer dating and dual careers. A meaningful relationship meant getting along with one’s cousins. Sheltered accommodation was where you waited for a bus. We were there before day care centres, group homes and disposable nappies had been thought of. We had never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yoghurt and men wearing earrings. For us time-sharing meant togetherness. A chip was a piece of wood or fried potato. To us, hardware was nuts and bolts and software was a word that had not been invented.

    Before 1940, Made in Japan meant junk. Making out referred to how you did in your exams. Stud was something that fastened a collar to a shirt. Going all the way meant staying on a double-decker bus until you reached the depot. Pizzas, McDonalds and instant coffee were still unheard of. Cigarette smoking was fashionable, grass was mown, coke was kept in the coal-house, a joint was a piece of meat you had on Sundays, pot was something you cooked in. Crack was a small opening or, if you were Irish and having fun, it was spelt craic and meant just that, fun. Rock music was a grandmother’s lullaby. A snort was something a horse did and LSD meant Pounds, Shillings and Pence.

    Considering how the world has changed and the adjustments we have had to make, you have to admit that those of us born before 1940 must be a hardy bunch! No wonder we are so confused and that there is a generation gap between us and the youngsters of today. Yet, with the Grace of God, we have survived!
    Alleluia!
    Last edited by Courtjester; November 6th, 2011 at 12:40 PM.
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  7. #87
    A teller of tall tales DuKane's Avatar
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    Masochist: Are you going to beat me?
    Sadist: No!

  8. #88
    One for your anagrams

    Delia Smith - It had limes.
    Visit my website to read and connect to my 'soundcloud', where you can listen to stories songs and more
    Hidden Content

    A thread of links useful to writers wishing to learn
    Piglet's picks. Hidden Content

  9. #89
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    A Married Girls' Night Out


    A while ago, I was invited out for a night with ‘the girls.’ I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed so pleasantly and the Margaritas went down oh so easily. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, to put it mildly, I headed for home. Just as I got in through our front door, the cuckoo clock in the hall was cuckooing three times. Even in my present state I realised that this would probably wake up my husband, so when the clock stopped I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution – although I had been almost totally smashed – to avoid creating a conflict situation with him.

    When my husband asked me the next morning what time I had got home, I coolly replied: ‘At midnight.’ Because he didn’t seem angry at all, I secretly congratulated myself on my ingenuity and thought: ‘Phew! I got away with that one!’

    Yet, he seemed to ponder on something for a moment. After a pause of a moment or two, he surprised me with the news: ‘I believe we need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he replied: ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then it said: ‘Oh bubbles!’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and let off some wind!’
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  10. #90
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    'A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.' Anon.
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

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