How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] - Page 8


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Thread: How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning]

  1. #71
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    The Husband Store

    Quote Originally Posted by Bluesman View Post
    A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in...
    From my collection of funny items comes the following version of this joke:



    A store that sells new husbands was recently opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband, where on the first floor she finds the following sign:

    Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

    Although intrigued, she continues to the second floor and finds the sign:

    Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love children.

    ‘How nice!’ she thinks. ‘Ah, but I want more.’

    So she continues to the third floor and finds the sign:

    Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.

    ‘Wow,’ she thinks. Yet, she feels compelled to keep going.

    Up she goes to the fourth floor. Here the sign says:

    Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love children, are drop–dead good looking and help with housework.

    ‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor where the sign reads:

    Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love children, are drop–dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay but can’t resist going to the sixth floor, where she finds the sign:

    Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
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  2. #72
    Quote Originally Posted by Bloggsworth View Post
    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry final exam:

    "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
    One student, however, wrote the following:

    "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

    As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

    Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

    This gives us two possibilities:

    1 - If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2 - Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual intercourse with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic."


    The student got the only A.
    There are assumptions, firstly that souls have mass, secondly that the volume of hell is changing. There is a fair bit of evidence that the first assumption is false, the soul has no physical form and the mass of a body does not change when the soul departs. I can think of no evidence to support the second assumption other than this "the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.", however, if souls have no mass the imperative does not apply, an infinite number of things with zero mass will fit any in volume. To my mind Hell is probably thermostatic.
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  3. #73
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    The Barbecue



    Although summer and the barbecue season are behind us, we can still enjoy a refresher course on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. It’s the only type of cooking a ‘real’ man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When he volunteers to do the barbecue, the following chain of events is put into motion:

    Routine:
    1. The woman buys the food.
    2. She makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
    3. She prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
    But now comes the really important part:
    1. The man places the meat on the grill.
    More routine:
    1. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and the cutlery.
    2. She comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks her to bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
    Important again:
    1. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
    More routine:
    1. Having prepared the necessary eating utensils, the woman attends to salads, bread, sauces and napkins and brings them to the table.
    2. After eating, she clears the table and washes the dishes.
    And now comes most vital and glorious moment of all:
    1. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
    1. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘her night off’. Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  4. #74
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    The River Crossing



    Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a big and violently raging river. As they had to get to the other side, the first man decided to pray. ‘God,’ he said, ‘please give me the strength to cross the river.’ Hey presto! He was given strong arms and legs and after almost drowning twice, he succeeded in crossing the river in less than two hours.

    Witnessing this, the second man decided to pray: ‘God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.’ Hey presto! He was given a rowing boat, as well as strong arms and legs. After almost capsizing only once, he crossed the river in less than one hour.

    Watching his companions, the third man prayed: ‘God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river.’ Hey presto! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  5. #75
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    Message To My Darling Husband

    Just a quick note before you return from your overseas trip. I want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150, when I turned into our driveway this morning.

    Fortunately it wasn’t too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. It happened like this: when I came home and turned into our driveway, I accidentally pushed trod on the accelerator instead of the brake.

    The garage door is slightly bent, but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari, so I missed our bikes.

    I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart. Enclosed is a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
    Your loving wife,
    Esmeralda
    xxx



    P.S. Oh, I almost forgot. Your girlfriend called yesterday.
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  6. #76
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    The Advantages Of Being A Bear


    In my present lifetime I’m a woman. In my next one I’d like to be a bear. Let me tell you why:

    When you’re a bear, you hibernate during the winter months and do nothing but sleep for up to six months. I could deal with that.

    Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

    When you’re a girl bear, you give birth to children, each one the size of a walnut, while you’re sleeping and upon waking up they have already grown into cute cuddly cubs. I could certainly deal with that.

    Besides, if you’re a mother bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat those who bother your cubs, including their father, your mate. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

    If you’re a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling and that you have hairy legs and excess body fat.
    Oh yes, I’m definitely going to be a bear!
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  7. #77
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    Olympic Games London 2012


    It’s the year 2012 and the Olympic Games in London are in full swing. One fine day, three friends by the name of Smith, Brown and Jones are dying to get into the stadium, in spite of the fact that they have no money for tickets.

    Refusing to be stuck for a solution, Smith picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm, walks to the gate and says: ‘Smith, United Kingdom, discus.’ The man at the checkpoint waves him in.

    Brown picks up a length of scaffolding, slings it over his shoulder, marches to the gate and says: ‘Brown, United Kingdom, pole vaulting.’ He too walks in.

    ‘Ah,’ Jones thinks to himself. Looking around, he spots a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, tucks it under his arm, walks up to the gate and says: ‘Jones, United Kingdom, fencing.’
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  8. #78
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    Getting On A Bit




    Ever heard of AAADD
    Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder?
    Everybody over 50 is at risk
    And this is how it manifests itself:


    I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I catch a glimpse of my car and decide it’s in need of washing.

    Walking towards the garage, I notice the mail that I collected from the letterbox earlier on the table near the front door.

    I decide to go through the mail before washing the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table and notice that it is full.

    So, I put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

    But then I think, since I’m going to be near the post-box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

    When I take my cheque book off the table, I notice that only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go there and find a can of Coke I had been drinking earlier.

    Searching for my new chequebook, I push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. Because it feels warm, I take it to the fridge in the kitchen.

    Heading towards the kitchen with my Coke, I notice a vase of flowers in need of topping up with water on the worktop.

    So, I put the Coke down and, to my delight, find my reading glasses which I’ve been searching for all morning. Thinking to myself: ‘I better put them back on my desk,’ but then decide to first give my flowers some water.

    Leaving the glasses on the worktop, I am about to fill a container with water when I spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I’ll be looking for it high and low and I shall never remember where I left it. So, I better put it back where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

    Whilst topping up the flower vase, but quite a bit of water splashes onto the floor. So, I put the remote control back on the table, get some kitchen towel and wipe up the spill.

    After that, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do in the first place. At the end of the day I find that the car hasn’t been cleaned, the bills are still unpaid, a can of warm Coke is sitting on the kitchen worktop, the flowers still don’t have enough water and only one cheque is in my cheque book, I can’t find the remote control and the glasses and I cannot, for the life of me, remember what I did with the car keys.

    Exhausted, I flop into a chair and I try to figure out why nothing got done today. This really baffles me because I know I have been very busy all day.

    I realise this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mails. Do me a favour. Share this with all your friends. I haven’t a clue to whom I’ve already sent it.

    Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you – yet!
    As my dear old dad used to say:
    ‘What’s blossoming in one is budding in another.’

    Your time for the onset of AAADD may be closer than you think.

    ‘Growing older is mandatory,
    growing up is optional and
    laughing at ourselves is therapeutic.’
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  9. #79
    Member felix's Avatar
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    A Photon walks into a hotel and the bellboy says, "Carry your bags for you, sir?"
    The Photon turns to him and replies, "No thanks, I'm travelling light."

  10. #80
    Member Bluesman's Avatar
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    In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird that sings.
    Sometimes all our thoughts are misgiven.

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