How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] - Page 6


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Thread: How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning]

  1. #51
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    Foxy Lady From Kings Point
    Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4’ – used to be 5’6’ – searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

    Long-Term Commitment: Boca Teca
    Recent widow – have just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

    Serenity Now: Century Village - Lyons Road
    I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

    Winning Smile: Tamarac
    Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

    Beatles Or Stones?
    I still like to rock; still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

    Memories Are Made Of This
    I can usually remember Monday to Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our heads together.

    In Mint Condition
    Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts, including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

    Who says the seniors in Florida
    don’t know how to make good use of the Internet?

    Anon.
    Last edited by Courtjester; October 5th, 2011 at 11:06 AM.
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  2. #52
    Member Offeiriad's Avatar
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    My friend sent me this yesterday:

    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of frozen crabs, and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

    Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up .... So she took them home and ate them and they were simply delicious.

    Two lessons here:
    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
    2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some people might think.
    I don't think my advice is better than anyone else's and they usually beat me to it anyway.

  3. #53
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    Euro English





    The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan aimed to become known as ‘Euro-English’. Here are a few examples:

    In the first year, the soft ‘c’ will replace the ‘s’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

    The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one fewer letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will make words like fotograf twenty percent shorter.

    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the forz yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
    If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

    Anon.
    Last edited by Courtjester; October 6th, 2011 at 11:43 AM.
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  4. #54
    A teller of tall tales DuKane's Avatar
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    Man runs panting up to a stranger.
    Have you seen any police round here?
    Police round here mate, you having a laugh?
    Good! Stick em up!

  5. #55
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    Walking On Water


    Three monks decided to practice meditation together. Sitting by the side of a lake, they closed their eyes in concentration. Suddenly the first one stood up and said: ‘I forgot my mat.’ He stepped onto the water and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

    When he returned, the second monk stood up and said: ‘I forgot to turn off the stove.’ He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way.

    The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. ‘Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform,’ he declared loudly and rushed to the water’s edge to walk across it. Yet, when he tried to step on the water, he immediately disappeared under the surface.

    Undeterred, the monk climbed out of the water and had another go with the same result. Again and again he tried while the other two calmly watched his efforts.

    After a while, the second monk turned to the first one and said: ‘Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?’
    Last edited by Courtjester; October 7th, 2011 at 11:24 AM.
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  6. #56
    Honoured/Sadly Missed The Backward OX's Avatar
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    Patient: 'Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.'
    Doctor: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome....'
    Patient: 'Is it common?'
    Doctor: 'It's not unusual....'

  7. #57
    I quit my job at the helium baloon factory.
    Why?
    I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice
    I write to get it right

    Take a look at more of my art and writing at: Hidden Content

    Or follow me on Twitter: Hidden Content

  8. #58
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    The Great Outdoors




    Sherlock Holmes and Watson went camping to get away from it all. In the middle of the night Sherlock woke Watson and asked him: ‘What do you see?’ Watson replied: ‘Why, I see stars – millions of them!’ ‘Hm,’ said Holmes. ‘And what does that tell you?’ ‘Well,’ came the reply, ‘astronomically, I see millions of stars, and the possibility that there are billions more of them in other galaxies. Theologically, I see that God is great and manifests marvellously in his works. Meteorologically, I see that the weather tomorrow will be clear and fine. But what do you see, Holmes?’

    After a moment’s pause, Sherlock replied: ‘Elementary, dear Watson. Someone has stolen our tent.’
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  9. #59
    From the staff:

    Please refrain from posting off-color jokes in this thread. We want to keep it clean here whilst making it a fun one. Thanks.
    Hidden Content
    GOD DOESN'T MAKE THE WORLD THIS WAY... WE DO. - RORSCHACH, WATCHMEN

  10. #60
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheFuhrer02 View Post
    From the staff:

    Please refrain from posting off-color jokes in this thread. We want to keep it clean here whilst making it a fun one. Thanks.
    Thank you for that, mein Führer.

    Much appreciated.

    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

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