How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] - Page 5


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Thread: How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning]

  1. #41
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    Tasks For Today

    Tasks For Today
    1. Organise
    2. Talk to wife/husband/partner
    3. Re-organise
    4. Talk to wife/husband/partner
    5. Abandon idea
    6. Talk to self!
    7. Then do what has to be done yourself!

    Anon.
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  2. #42
    My daughter shared this joke with me:

    In a sprinting race between Superman and Batman, who wins eventually?
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    ANSWER: Superman!
    Why?
    Because when 'SUPERMAN RETURNS, BATMAN BEGINS'!
    Titles of movies...
    Check out my book Hidden Content
    Or follow my 'Dadsnotextinct' Twitter @Bobbyking1812
    'Man's best friend may be a dog, but man's wisest friend is still a book...' Bobby King

  3. #43
    I went for a job on a building site the other day, as a handy man.
    They said can you lay bricks? I said no.
    They said can you do plumbing? I said no.
    They said can you do carpentry, I said NO.
    They said what make you think you're so handy, I said I only live across the street.
    I write to get it right

    Take a look at more of my art and writing at: Hidden Content

    Or follow me on Twitter: Hidden Content

  4. #44
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    Meetings

    Are you lonely?
    Work on your own?
    Hate having to make decisions?
    Then hold a meeting.

    You can get to see other people,
    Sleep in peace,
    Load decisions onto others,
    Feel important and impress your colleagues –
    Just think – all of that in work time!

    M e e t i n g s
    The practical and creative alternative to work.

    Anon.
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  5. #45
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    God Versus The Darwininans

    One day, a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that humankind had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one of them to go and tell Him so. The Darwinian walked up to God and said: ‘God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We have reached the point where we can clone people and do many miraculous things ourselves, so why don’t you just leave us alone and get lost?’

    God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and when the Darwinian had finished talking, replied: ‘Very well, how about this? Let us now have a man-making contest.’ Happily, the Darwinian agreed and God added: ‘Shall we do this just like I told you in the olden days with the help of the legend of Adam and Eve?’ The Darwinian replied: ‘Sure, no problem.’ Bending down, he grabbed a handful of dirt. God looked at him and shook his head: ‘Oh no! Go forth and make your own dirt!’
    Last edited by Courtjester; September 26th, 2011 at 03:46 PM.
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  6. #46
    ^ This was one of my favorites. Reminds me of another one.

    An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

    Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

    Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”
    "The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn, the bird waits in the egg, and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities." ~ James Allen

    "Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best." ~ Henry Van Dyke

  7. #47
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    God is dead!

    Graffiti on a subway wall somewhere:
    ‘God is dead!’ Nietzsche

    Someone had scrawled underneath:
    ‘Nietzsche is dead!’ God

    ‘God is not dead, but alive and well
    and working on a much less ambitious project.’
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  8. #48
    A teller of tall tales DuKane's Avatar
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    Graffiti on church billboard by bus stop:

    Where will you be on the day of judgement?
    Still waiting for the 27.

  9. #49
    Member Bluesman's Avatar
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    Clapton is God

    God wants to be Clapton !!!
    In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird that sings.
    Sometimes all our thoughts are misgiven.

  10. #50
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    Rejuvenation

    A woman in her late forties was in need of major surgery. During the operation, she had an out-of-body experience in which she met God who told her that she was going to live for another fifty years. So, when she had sufficiently recovered from her ordeal she hurled herself into a huge rejuvenation programme. She lost two stone, had a facelift, nose job, and liposuction, dyed her hair and breast implants.

    A year later, she was hit by a car and killed outright. When she reached Heaven, she rushed up to God and furiously shouted: ‘You told me I was going to live another fifty years!’ ‘Yes, I’m sorry about that,’ said God. ‘The thing is, I didn’t recognise you.’
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

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