How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] - Page 59


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Thread: How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning]

  1. #581
    a middle aged couple decide that since they are both out of work the only option was for the wife to go on the game...of she went and when she came home later he asked how much did she make..she replied £23.67p..who gave you the changed he asked..she replied..all of them
    The only one who can heal you is you.




  2. #582
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    The Girl From Guantanamo

    Guantanamera

    Watch a little fellow from the streets of New York
    dancing to this tune

    by following the link below:

    ‘Guantanamera’


    * * *

    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  3. #583
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    The Spanish Lesson

    A teacher of the Spanish language was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are either masculine or feminine. She explained as follows:


    House is ‘la casa’ and feminine,
    Pencil is ‘el lapiz’ and therefore masculine.

    One of her students asked: ‘What gender is computer?’

    Instead of supplying them with the answer, the teacher first split her class into two groups, one male and the other female. Then she asked her pupils to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group had to give four reasons for its decision.

    The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender, ‘la computadora’, because:

    1. No-one but their creator understands their internal logic.

    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to men.

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your earnings on accessories.

    Wait for it – it gets better!

    The women’s group decided that computer should be a masculine word, el computador, for the following reasons:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

    2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

    4. As soon as you have committed yourself to one of them, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

    The women won.



    * * *

    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  4. #584
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    E-Mail Addresses

    An Alaskan couple decided to go to Florida during a particularly cold winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon twenty years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travelling, so the husband left Alaska and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife planned to join him two days later.

    The husband arrived and checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and sent it without realising his error.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He had been a minister and was called home to his maker after a heart attack. Expecting messages from relatives and friends, the lady decided to check her emails. When she read the first one, she screamed and fainted. When her son rushed into the room and saw his mother on the floor, he found the following e-mail on the computer screen:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject : I have arrived!
    Date: October 16, 2007

    I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and checked in. I have made sure that everything has been prepared for your arrival. Looking forward to seeing you very soon, dear. Your ever loving husband.

    P.S. It sure is hot down here!
    * * *

    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  5. #585
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    Paragliding Adventures

    Jean-Baptiste Chandelier was born 18th August 1985. He lives in Embrun City, France, and is an expert paragliding pilot, movie maker, paragliding designer and test pilot. He is sponsored by Adidas outdoor and Dudek paragliders.

    In his videos Jean-Baptiste shares with us his vision of flying. He has been a paragliding pilot since 2004 and his speciality are acrobatic and proximity flight. In his videos he shares with us his delight for flying, in the hope that they will help to make everyone’s dream of flying come true, at least a little bit. As far as I am concerned, he most certainly succeeds.

    To find out whether he can do the same for you,
    please follow the link below:

    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  6. #586
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    Jewish Humour

    A new flood is foretold. In five days the rain will be incessant and our world wiped out.

    The Dalai Lama in an interview asks all Buddhists to prepare for their next reincarnation.

    The Pope holds an audience and advises all Catholics to confess their sins and pray.

    The Chief Rabbi of Israel on TV announces: ‘Friends, we have five days to learn how to live under water.’

    * * *

    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  7. #587
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    Canadian Moments Of Surprise

    Please follow the link below:

    ‘Canadian Surprises’

    * * *

    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  8. #588
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    Religious Humour

    A lady was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. ‘Is there anything breakable in this parcel?’ asked the postal clerk. ‘Only the Ten Commandments,’ the woman replied.

    There are only two kinds of people in the world. Those who wake up in the morning and say: ‘Good morning, Lord,’ and those who wake up in the morning and say: ‘Good Lord, its morning.’

    A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. He put a note under the windshield wiper that read: ‘I have circled the block ten times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.’ When he returned, he found a ticket from a police officer along with this note: ‘I’ve circled this block for ten years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.’

    A pastor got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: ‘I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have enough money to pay for our new gym fellowship hall building program. The bad news is, the money is still in your pockets.’

    While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. Its owner clearly had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign that read: ‘Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution! Do not step into exhaust.’

    A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with: ‘Boys and girls, what do you know about God?’ A hand shot up. ‘God is an artist!’ the child said. ‘Really? How do you know that?’ asked the teacher. ‘It’s because our Father, who does art in Heaven,’ the youngster replied.

    A minister waited in line to have his car filled with petrol before a long holiday weekend. Although the attendant worked quickly, the minister had to wait a long time because there were many cars ahead of him. Finally the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. ‘Reverend,’ he said, ‘I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems that everyone waited until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.’ The minister chuckled: ‘I know just what you mean. It’s like that in my business, too.’

    Some people are strange. They want to sit at the front of the bus, the back of the church and to be the centre of attention.

    One Sunday after church a mother asked her small daughter what the lesson had been about. The girl replied: ‘Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.’ The mother was perplexed. When the pastor called at their house later for tea, she asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson had been about. The reply was: ‘Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.’

    A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how to prepare his congregation for donating more money than expected towards the repairs of their church building. To his annoyance he found that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last moment, who wanted to know what to play. ‘Here’s a copy of the service,’ the minister said. ‘You’ll have to think of something suitable to play after I make the announcement about the finances.’
    * * *

    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  9. #589
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    Please Pass The Salt

    To watch an educational video for parents and their children,
    please follow the link below:

    ‘Passing The Salt’

    * * *

    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  10. #590
    If you're riding a horse, and there's a cliff to your right, a tiger chasing behind you, a giraffe to your left, and an elephant in front of you, what do you do? Get your drunken ass off the carousel.
    Need advice? Or just some cheering up? PM.
    Or bug me on Skype. Any time I'm online.

    'I prefer to exist as a duality. Living alone is boring.'
    Crowley Karterson Jarvis

    ╙The Golden Crowl
    梟金烏

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