How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] - Page 3


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Thread: How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning]

  1. #21
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    ‘My dear friend Moscowitz, this is your lucky day! Have I got a bar­gain for you! A big, healthy, Barnum & Bailey specially-trained ele­phant! And for you only, just a thousand dollars!’

    ‘Are you crazy?’ replies Moscowitz. ‘I live in a two-room apart­ment in a fourth floor walk-up. What do I want with an elephant? Why are you driving me crazy with ‘I should buy an elephant’?’

    ‘You’re a tough man, Moscowitz. You drive a hard bargain. I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. For another two hundred dollars, I’ll throw in a beautiful baby elephant. Both elephants for only twelve hundred dollars!’

    ‘Ah-ha! Now, now you’re talking.’
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  2. #22
    A teller of tall tales DuKane's Avatar
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    How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

    Stick it in the microwave till it's Bill Withers!

  3. #23
    WF Veteran Bilston Blue's Avatar
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    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

    "Why shouldn't I?" he asked.


    "Well, there's so much to live for!"


    "Like what?"


    "Are you religious?"


    "Yes."


    "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"


    "Christian."


    "Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"


    "Protestant."


    "Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"


    "Baptist."


    "Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"


    "Baptist Church of God."


    "Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"


    "Reformed Baptist Church of God."


    "Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"


    He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."


    "Die, heretic scum," I said, and I pushed him off.
    "I think a life is a plot. It's probably the elementary plot. I came across a quotation of Patrick White, the Australian writer, just about the time I needed it. He said he never bothers with plot. He just writes about life 'limping along toward death.' That made me feel much better, to keep this in my mind."

    Carol Shields.

  4. #24
    WF Veteran Bilston Blue's Avatar
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    "Got stoned once and screwed a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter."



    Funniest punchline I've heard in ages.
    "I think a life is a plot. It's probably the elementary plot. I came across a quotation of Patrick White, the Australian writer, just about the time I needed it. He said he never bothers with plot. He just writes about life 'limping along toward death.' That made me feel much better, to keep this in my mind."

    Carol Shields.

  5. #25
    Honoured/Sadly Missed The Backward OX's Avatar
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    How many NYC cab drivers does it take to change a light bulb?

    None a your bidnezz. Ged oudda my way!

  6. #26
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    Isaac is walking on the street in Tel Aviv when a stranger runs over to him and slaps him on the face. ‘That’s for you, Moshe!’ the stranger yells.

    After recovering from the shock, Isaac starts to laugh.

    ‘What are you laughing at?’ the stranger asks. ‘Do you want me to hit you again?’

    ‘No, please, no!’ says Isaac, ‘It’s just that the joke’s on you. I’m not Moshe!’
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  7. #27
    Member Bluesman's Avatar
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    I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
    I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
    He said 'How can I help?'.
    I said 'Break my arms!'



    Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
    In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird that sings.
    Sometimes all our thoughts are misgiven.

  8. #28
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    The Smart Irishman

    Murphy, the Irishman, went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after having carried out a lengthy examination, sighed, looked Murphy in the eye and said: ‘I’ve some bad news for you. You’ve got cancer and it can’t be cured. I give you two weeks to a month.’

    Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of staunch character, managed to compose himself and walked from the doctor’s office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting for him. Murphy told him: ‘Son, you know that we Irish celebrate when things are good and also when they go less well. As it happens, things with me presently aren’t going well at all. I’ve got cancer and only a short time to live. Let’s go to the pub for a pint or two.’

    After several pints the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were a few laughs and more beers, until some of Murphy’s old friends approached them to find out what father and son were celebrating. Reminding them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad, Murphy told them that they were drinking to his impending end. He finished with the words: ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS and have only a few more weeks to live.’ The friends expressed their condolences and after a few more pints with father and son, they left.

    When they had gone, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered: ‘Dad, I thought you were dying from Cancer, but you just told your friends that you’re dying from AIDS!’ ‘Ah yes,’ Murphy chuckled. ‘It is true that I’m dying from cancer, son. I just told them because I don’t want one of them to come up with the idea of sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.’
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  9. #29
    I have mixed race parents. My mother prefers the hundred meters.
    I write to get it right

    Take a look at more of my art and writing at: Hidden Content

    Or follow me on Twitter: Hidden Content

  10. #30
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    Haircut Sir?

    A young boy who had just received his driving licence asked his father, an evangelist, to discuss his use of the car with him. His father said: ‘I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we’ll talk about the car.’

    The boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went into the study, where his father said: ‘Son, I’m real proud. You brought your grades up, and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I’m really disappointed, because you haven’t got your hair cut.’

    The young man paused a moment, and then said: ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.’

    To this the father replied: ‘Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?’
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

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