How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] - Page 10


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Thread: How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning]

  1. #91
    I had to laugh when I read a letter that came in the mail recently. It said: “Dear Sandra Heinrichs, Thank you for completing our anonymous survey...”
    "The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn, the bird waits in the egg, and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities." ~ James Allen

    "Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best." ~ Henry Van Dyke

  2. #92
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    Places To Visit


    I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can’t go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

    I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognises you there.

    I have, however, been in Sane. Because they don’t have an airport, you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and those where I have worked.

    I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I am not too keen on too much physical activity these days.

    I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit it too often.

    I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

    Sometimes I’m in Capable. Amazingly, the older I get the more often I go there.

    One of my all-time favourite places is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart and at my age one needs all of the stimuli available.
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
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  3. #93
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    The Los Angeles Police Department, known as LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are each trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

    First the CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

    Next the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies because in their view the rabbit had it coming.

    Finally, the LAPD goes in. Two hours later they emerge with a badly beaten bear who is yelling: ‘Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!’
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  4. #94
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    Questions That Cannot Be Answered


    Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

    Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

    Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?

    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

    What is the speed of darkness?

    Why is it that people say they someone ‘slept like a baby’, when babies wake up every two hours?

    If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

    Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

    Why is it that a man walked on the moon before someone figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
    And did you ever wonder about these?

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say: ‘I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?’

    Who was the first person to say: ‘See that chicken there? I’m going to eat the next thing that emerges from its behind.

    Why do toasters always have a setting that is so high that it burns the toast into an inedible state?

    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their behind when they want to know where the bathroom is?

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? After all, they’re both dogs.

    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Why do the Alphabet song and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same tune? Stop singing and read on …

    Do illiterate people get any benefit from eating Alphabetti?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, it gets mad at you, but when you take it on a car ride, it wants to stick its head out of the window?

    Does pressing the lift button more than once make it go faster?
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  5. #95
    I'll get back to this one later. I laughed!
    "The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn, the bird waits in the egg, and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities." ~ James Allen

    "Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best." ~ Henry Van Dyke

  6. #96
    My favourites:
    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
    Who was the first person to say: ‘See that chicken there? I’m going to eat the next thing that emerges from its behind.
    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their behind when they want to know where the bathroom is?
    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
    These were funny!


    Why do the Alphabet song and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same tune? Stop singing and read on …
    I'd never realised it.
    "The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn, the bird waits in the egg, and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities." ~ James Allen

    "Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best." ~ Henry Van Dyke

  7. #97
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    Quote Originally Posted by candid petunia View Post
    I'd never realised it.
    Ah well, one lives and learns, doesn't one?

    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  8. #98
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    A Medical Problem


    An elderly lady had an embarrassing problem and went to her doctor in search of a cure for it. ‘It’s terrible, Doctor, it’s happening all the time,’ she told him. Fortunately, they’re soundless and they don’t smell. As a matter of fact, since being in this room it happened no less than twenty times. Can you help me, please?’

    ‘Oh yes, I think I can, Mrs. Harris,’ the doctor said. ‘I shall give you a prescription for some pills. Take them three times a day for seven days and then come and see me again.’

    Mrs. Harris followed the doctor’s instructions and then went to see him again. She was almost in tears when she told him: ‘I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is much worse! I’m doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?’

    ‘Calm down, Mrs. Harris,’ replied the doctor soothingly. ‘Now we’ve fixed your sinuses, let’s see what we can do for your hearing, then we’ll attend to your digestion.’
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  9. #99
    LOL
    "The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn, the bird waits in the egg, and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities." ~ James Allen

    "Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best." ~ Henry Van Dyke

  10. #100
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    The Drunkard

    Late one evening, a police officer was parked outside a local pub. He noticed a man leaving who was so inebriated that he could barely walk. The drunkard stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, while the officer watched him quietly. After he had tried his keys on five different cars, the drunk managed to find his own and fell into the driver’s seat. He sat there for a few minutes, as a number of other patrons of the bar left and drove off.

    When the drunk at last started his car, he switched the wipers on and off, flicked the indicators on, tooted his horn and the at last turned on his lights. He remained stationery for a few more minutes, as some of the other cars left the parking lot. After what seemed like an eternity, he too pulled out and proceeded slowly down the road.

    Having patiently watched him all this time, the police officer started his patrol car. He switched on the flashing lights and signalled for the drunkard to pull over. However, when the officer breathalysed the man he found to his amazement that there was no indication that the other one had consumed any alcohol at all. Puzzled and annoyed by this he said: ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station; this equipment must be broken.’ ‘No need to bother,’ replied the supposedly drunk. ‘I am the designated decoy for tonight!’
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

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