How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] - Page 109


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Thread: How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning]

  1. #1081
    Boris Johnson insists that he wants to be the Mayor. Everyone warns him against it but he insists, so he puts his name up and gets elected.
    On his first day in the job his secretary walks into the office and tells him that his personal assistant is waiting for him in the foyer. Boris trots down the stairs to be met by … a stallion …


  2. #1082
    FoWF Aquarius's Avatar
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    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  3. #1083
    There was a Catholic vicarage that needed painting, so the church began taking bids. There was one fellow whose quote came in at a significantly cheaper rate than all the others, so of course, they hired the young man. He thinned the paint quite a bit, painted the vicarage, and was on his way. Next time it rained, the paint ran and ran. The vicarage looked awful, so they called the young man back. He said, "Father, I am so terribly sorry! How can I make it right?" To which the vicar replied, "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"
    Sometimes, I wrestle with my demons. Other times, we just snuggle.

  4. #1084
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    The Tale Of An Old German Shepherd’s Dog And The Panther

    One day an old German Shepherd’s dog is chasing rabbits and before long discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a young panther who is heading rapidly in his direction clearly intent on devouring the dog for his lunch. ‘Oh ho!’ the dog thinks. ‘I surely am in deep trouble now!’ But then he notices some bones on the ground close by. With his back turned towards the approaching panther, he starts chewing them. Just as the big cat is about to leap, the dog says loudly as if to himself: ‘Oh boy, what a delicious panther that was! Might there be any more around here?’

    The panther halts his attack in mid-strike when he hears this. A feeling of terror creeps through his whole being, he slinks away into the trees and whispers: ‘Phew! That was a close miss. The dog nearly got me.’

    A squirrel has been watching the scene from a nearby tree and thinks: ‘How can I put this to some good use. Maybe I can trade it for some protection by the panther.’ So, off it goes after the panther. Spilling its beans, the squirrel strikes a deal with the big cat, who is furious that it had been fooled. So it responds to the squirrel’s offer with: ‘Hop on my back and see what we can do about that conniving canine!’

    The dog sees the panther approaching with the squirrel on his back. ‘Now, what can I do?’ he thinks. Instead of running away, he sits down with his back to the attacker and pretends he hasn’t seen him coming. When the panther and the squirrel get within hearing range, the dog mutters, just loud enough for them to hear: ‘Where’s that darn squirrel? Didn’t I send it off hours ago to bring me another panther? There’s no relying on folks these days.’

    The moral of this story is: ‘Don’t mess with old dogs. Age and skill will always outshine and win over youth and treachery. True genius and brilliance can only come with age and experience.’

    Created by Anon.
    Edited by Aquarius

    * * *


    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  5. #1085
    A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.
    The barkeep says, "Hey, buddy! What's with the paper towel?"
    Pirate replies, "Arrr, there's a Bounty on me head!"
    Sometimes, I wrestle with my demons. Other times, we just snuggle.

  6. #1086
    FoWF Aquarius's Avatar
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    British Humour

    There are four kinds of people in the United Kingdom:

    First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath and everything else they could lay their hands on.

    Then there were the Welsh, who prayed on their knees and their neighbours.

    Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted, but were willing to fight for it anyway.

    Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.

    From British Humour


    * * *


    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  7. #1087
    An immigrant doctor opened his clinic in the United States and posted an advertisement: "Guaranteed cure for any disease only for $100! Will pay $200 in case of failure."

    One day, a local man sees this. Sensing an opportunity to make some money, he decides to take the doctor on his word. So he goes in the clinic and says: "Help me, doctor! I've lost my sense of taste!"

    The doctor instructs the nurse: "One tablespoon from Bottle 28, please!"

    The man drinks what's handed to him, immediately spits it out and shouts: "What the hell! That's gasoline!"

    "Good, I see your taste has returned, sir!" the doctor smiles, "That will be $100 from you."

    The man grudgingly pays up and comes back a week later, determined to outwit the doctor and get his 200 dollars. This time he complains about having lost his eyesight.

    "A teaspoon from Bottle 32, please!" the doctor instructs the nurse, pointing his hand.

    "Wait, but that's Number 28 you're pointing at, doctor!"

    "Oh, I see your eyesight has returned, sir! That'll be $100."

    Angry beyond measure, the American decides to try his luck one last time a week later. He comes to the clinic and claims that he has lost all memory and cannot remember a thing.

    "I see," the doctor nods, "Nurse, one teaspoon from 28, please!"

    "Wait, but that's gasoline!"

    "Wondrous! Your memory has returned! That'll be $100 from you."

  8. #1088
    Timmy and Jimmy, 5 and 7 years old respectively, are upstairs getting dressed, when they decide that they're going to talk just like dad does! They go downstairs, and mom come in, wiping the sleep from her eyes. She asks Jimmy, "What do you want for breakfast?"
    He bangs his fist on the table and says, "You know what? I think I'll have the fuckin' Cheerios!"
    Mom goes crazy. "WHAT?! WHAT!???!" and starts hitting him until he runs upstairs crying. She stomps back down the stairs and looks at Timmy. "Well? What do you want for breakfast?!"
    Timmy cringes and says quickly, "I don't know, Mom, but it sure ain't the fuckin' Cheerios!"
    Sometimes, I wrestle with my demons. Other times, we just snuggle.

  9. #1089
    A Soviet school. The children get to do a show-and-tell about their grandfathers in the Great Patriotic War.

    Little Anna speaks first. "My grandpa was a fighter pilot. He fought at Stalingrad," she says and shows the class his aviator helmet.

    "Excellent," the teacher approves. Next speaks little Yuri. "My gramps was a tank driver. He fought all the way to Berlin," and shows a picture with his grandfather and his comrades on a T-34 tank next to the Reichstag.

    "Well done," the teacher nods, "Vladimir, what have you brought to show?"

    "I don't know for sure what my grandpa did during the war," Vovochka says uncertainly, "He never really talked about it much. I think he was an electrician. This must be his work helmet I found in the attic."

    And he produces a stahlhelm, stenciled with a pair of white lightining bolts.

  10. #1090
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    Giving And Receiving

    Two neighbours, Hymie and Manny, are on their way home from the Synagogue after listening to a particularly good sermon on ‘Giving is better by far than receiving’.

    For a while they are walking along, each deeply lost in thought. Suddenly Hymie turns to Manny and says: ‘If I had two million pounds, I would give you one million.’

    Manny thanks him and asks: ‘Hymie, if you had two mansions, would you give one to me?’

    ‘Yes Manny, I would give one to you, my friend,’ Hymie replies.

    ‘And,’ continues Manny, ‘If you had two Rolls Royces, would you give me one?’

    ‘Of course I would, Manny,’ Hymie cries.

    ‘And if you had two yachts?’ enquires Manny, ’would you give one to me?’

    ‘Yes, indeed I would,’ says Hymie.

    ‘So, if you had two chickens, would you give me one?’ asks Manny.

    Hymie replies: ‘Oh shut up, Manny. You know very well I’ve got two chickens!’

    * * *
    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


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