How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] - Page 107


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Thread: How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning]

  1. #1061
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    The Revolutionary Song

    I could have done it yesterday, if I hadn’t had a cold,
    But since I’ve put this pint away, I’ve never felt so bold.
    So, as soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
    As soon as this pub closes, the revolution starts.

    I’ll shoot the aristocracy and confiscate their brass,
    Create a fine democracy that’s truly working class.
    As soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
    As soon as this pub closes, I’ll raise the banner high.

    I’ll fight the nasty racialists and scrap the colour bar,
    And all fascist dictatorships and every commissar.
    As soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
    As soon as this pub closes, I’ll man the barricades.

    So raise your glasses, everyone, for everything is planned,
    And each and every mother’s son will see the Promised Land.
    As soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
    As soon as this pub closes . . .
    I think I’m going to be sick.

    ‘The Revolutionary Song’


    Enjoy!


    * * *


    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  2. #1062
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    Fun With Languages

    Isn’t English a crazy language? Let me illustrate this with a few examples. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

    We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell.

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And, by the way, why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ’quick’?

    There also is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ’UP.’ It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

    To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.

    One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so it’s time to shut UP!

    And now it’s UP to you what you do with this.

    Created by Anon.
    Edited by Aquarius

    * * *

    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  3. #1063
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    The Badge

    A US Drug Enforcement Administration Officer one day stopped at our farm and told me: ‘I need to inspect your farm for growing illegal drugs.’

    ‘Okay,’ I replied, ‘but don’t go in that field over there.’

    Exploding with rage, the Officer replied: ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!’ Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he brought out his badge and with a growl shoved it into my face: ‘See this badge?! It means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’

    Nodding politely, I apologised and went about my chores. It didn’t take long until I heard a loud scream. When I looked up, I saw the Officer being chased by my big old mean bull. He was running for his life, but with every step the bull was gaining ground and it was very likely that the man would get gored before he could reach safety. He looked so terrified that I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my voice: ‘Your badge, show him the badge!’

    * * *


    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  4. #1064
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    Last Will And Testament

    Paddy is on his deathbed and knows that his end is near. A nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him at his home in Belfast. He asks for two independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be put in place so he can record his last wishes. When everything is ready he begins to speak:

    ‘My daughter Geraldine, I want you to take the apartments in Malone Road.’

    ‘My son Seamus, I give to you the houses in Cultra.’

    ‘My son Patrick Junior, to you I give the offices in the City centre.’

    ‘Bridget, my beloved wife, I want you to take the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road .’

    The nurse and witnesses are amazed. They had no idea of how wealthy a man Paddy had been. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife: ‘Mrs O’Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been a very hard-working man to have accumulated such a lot of property.’

    His wife replied: ‘Property? All he ever had was a window cleaning round.’

    * * *


    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  5. #1065
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    From The Police Report

    A policeman calls the station on his radio: ‘Hello, is that you Sarge?’

    ‘Yes?’

    ‘We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.’

    ‘Have you arrested the woman?’

    ‘No sir. The floor is still wet.’

    * * *
    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  6. #1066
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    The Beginning Of Humankind

    When God had just about finished creating human beings, he had two parts left. As He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, He decided to give them the choice. He told them that He had two things left and that one of them would allow its owner to pee while standing up.

    ‘It’s a very handy thing,’ God told them, ‘and I was wondering whether one of you has a preference for it.’

    Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged: ‘Oh, please give it to me! It seems like just the sort of thing I should have. Pleeease! Give it to me!’ On and on he went in this vain in his excitement.

    Eve merely smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

    Adam was so excited that he started whizzing all over the place, first on the side of a rock, then he drew patterns in some nearby sand and finally he tried to see if he could hit a tree stump ten feet away. All the while he was laughing with delight.

    God and Eve watched him with amusement and after a while God said to Eve: ‘Well I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.’

    ‘What is it called?’ asked Eve.

    ‘Brains,’ replied God.

    * * *


    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  7. #1067
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    Pregnancy Questions And Answers

    Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
    A: No, 35 children are enough.

    Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
    A: With any luck, immediately after it finishes college.

    Q: What is the most reliable method of determining a baby’s sex?
    A: Childbirth.

    Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that her behaviour sometimes borders on the irrational.
    A: So what’s your question?

    Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’m going to feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
    A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

    Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
    A: When you find out you’re pregnant.

    Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
    A: Yes, pregnancy.

    Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act something like normal again?
    A: When your children are in college.

    * * *

    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  8. #1068
    It's B.B. King's birthday and his wife wants to surprise him, so she goes to the tattoo parlor and says put a B on one cheek and a B on the other, and the guy does it.

    She goes home; B.B. comes home. She stands next to him, pulls her shorts down, bends over and says, "SURPRISE." He says, "Who's Bob?"

    -

    Super Dave's delivery was gold. I'll miss that beautiful monster.
    "When I am gone, it won't be long before I disturb you in the dark."

    ~ Hidden Content ~

  9. #1069
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    I Am Thirsty!

    A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: ‘Da-ad.’

    ‘What?’

    ‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?’

    ‘No, you had your chance. Lights out.’

    Five minutes later: ‘Da-aaaad.’

    ‘WHAT?’

    ‘I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?’

    ‘ I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’

    Five minutes later: ‘Daaaa-aaaad.’

    ‘WHAT!’

    ‘When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’

    * * *


    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  10. #1070
    A Palestinian enters a crowded bar and sees a Jew sitting by the counter. Irritated at the sight to no end, he loudly announces:

    "Bartender, a round of beer for everyone except that kike!"

    The Jew only smiles and thanks him. This irritates the Palestinian even further, and a while later he announces again:

    "Another round of beer for everyone except the kike!"

    The Jew smiles and thanks him again.

    The Palestinian turns to the bartender as he pays up and asks: "Is that guy dumb or what? I'm trying hard to insult him, and he keeps thanking me!"

    "No, he just owns this bar."

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