How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning] - Page 102


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  1. #1011
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    Tough drill sergeant addressing a group of army recruits:

    Right, you lot. We're having a change of pace this morning. You're going to be introduced to a bit of culture. The gentleman by my side is a poet and he's going to talk to you about Keats, not that what he says will have much effect because I'll bet there's not one of you who knows what a keat is.
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

  2. #1012
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    Dad’s Response

    My dad is sixty-six and the other day he accompanied me when it went shopping for some new shoes. Before hurling ourselves into the fray we decided to have something to eat first. He was sitting next to a teenager and I noticed how he was watching her. The youngster had spiked hair in different colours – green, red, orange, and blue and my dad kept staring at her. From time to time she looked back and each time she did, my dad was still looking at her. Finally, she’d had enough. Turning to him, she asked: ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’


    I quickly swallowed my food to make sure I would not choke on my dad’s response. I knew it would be a good one. Sure enough, he responded in his own inimitable style and without batting an eyelid said: ‘Yeah, I got stoned once and made love to a parrot. Just wondering whether you are my daughter.’
    * * *



    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  3. #1013
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    The River Crossing

    Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a big and violently raging river. As they had to get to the other side, the first man decided to pray. ‘God,’ he said, ‘please give me the strength to cross the river.’ Hey presto! He was given strong arms and legs and after almost drowning twice, he succeeded in crossing the river in less than two hours.

    Witnessing this, the second man decided to pray: ‘God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.’ Hey presto! He was given a rowing boat, as well as strong arms and legs. After almost capsizing only once, he crossed the river in less than one hour.

    Watching his companions, the third man prayed: ‘God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river.’ Hey presto! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


    * * *


    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  4. #1014
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    Painting The Porch

    A handyman was just starting out in business and in order to build it up, he went to a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. He went to the first house and asked the owner whether he had any odd jobs to be done.

    ‘I could use somebody to paint my porch,’ the man replied. ‘How much will you charge me?’

    Delighted about his success, the handyman said: ‘How about £50?’

    The house owner agreed and told the handyman that paint brushes and everything else he might need he could find in the garage.

    The man’s wife had been listening to the conversation and said: ‘Does he realise that the porch goes all the way around our house?’

    ‘So what?’ the husband replied.

    It did not take very long until the handyman called for his pay. ‘Have you finished already?’ asked the owner of the house. ‘Yes,’ said the handyman and smiled. ‘I even had enough paint for giving it two coats.’

    So the owner of the house reached into his pocket and handed £50.00 plus a £10.00 tip to the handyman, who responded with: ‘By the way, it’s an Audi and not a Porch.’

    * * *

    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  5. #1015
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    Finding Jesus

    A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacherman who is in the middle of baptising people in the river. As the drunk walks into the water, he bumps into the preacher, who turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Undeterred by this, he asks the drunk: ‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’

    ‘Yes I am,’ replies the drunk. So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. When he pulls the drunk up, he asks him? ‘Brother have you found Jesus?’

    The drunk replies: ‘No, I haven't.’ The preacher is shocked at this answer and so he dunks the drunk once more into the water, but this time a bit longer. When he pulls the drunk out of the water, he asks again: ‘Have you found Jesus, my brother?’

    ‘No,’ says the drunk, ‘I have not found him.’

    By now the preacher is at his wits end. So he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for half a minute or so.

    When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and again asks: ‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’

    Wiping his eyes and catching his breath, the drunk replies: ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’

    * * *

    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  6. #1016
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    From The Mouths Of Children

    1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’ d found a cat, but it was dead. ’ How do you know that the cat was dead?’ she asked her pupil. ’ Because I p***ed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ answered the child innocently. ’ You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise. ’ You know,’ explained the boy, ‘ I leaned over and went ‘ Pssst’ and it didn’t move’

    2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later. . . . . . ’ Da-ad. . . . ’ ‘ What?’ ‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?’ ‘ No, You’ve had your chance. Lights out. ’ Five minutes later: ‘ Da-aaaad. . . . . ’ ‘WHAT?’ ‘ I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??’ ‘ I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’ Five minutes later. . . . . . ’ Daaaa-aaaad. . . . . ’ ‘ WHAT!’ ‘ When you come to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’

    3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ‘ How do you expect to get into Heaven?’ The boy thought it over and said, ‘ Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘ For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’ ‘

    4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, ‘Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’ The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. ’ I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘ I have to sleep in Daddy’ s room. ’ A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: ‘The big sissy. ’

    5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’ s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said,’ That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?’ The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on microphone: ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’ s a bitch to iron. ’

    6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was getting ready to get into the shower. She said: ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’ I replied, ‘ Yes, honey, remember Mummy ha sa baby growing in her tummy. ’ ‘I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?’

    7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, ‘ Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine. . . . ’ His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘ What are you doing?’ The little boy answered, ‘ I’ m doing my math homework, Mum. ’ ‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked’ Yes,’ he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day: ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’ The teacher replied: ‘Right now, we are learning addition. ’ The mother asked, ‘ And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’ After the teacher stopped laughing, she said: ‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four. ’

    8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read: ‘. . . and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘ The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’ The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think that farmer said?’ One little girl raised her hand and said: ‘I think he said:’ Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!’ The teacher had to stop teaching for ten minutes.

    9. One little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter. ’ Her mother told her that this was wrong and she should say: ‘I’m Jane Sugarbrown. ’ The Vicar spoke to the girl in Sunday School and asked: ‘Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’ s daughter?’ She replied: ‘ I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.’

    10. A little girl asked her mother, ‘ Can I go outside and play with the boys?’ Her mother replied: ‘ No, you can’ t play with the boys, they’re too rough.’ Thinking about that for a few moments, the girl asked: ‘If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?’
    * * *

    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  7. #1017
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    A Modern Fairy Tale
    Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog, as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
    The frog hopped into the Princess’ lap and said: ‘Sweet Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.’
    That night, while enjoying a repast of lightly sautéed frog’s legs, the princess chuckled to herself and thought: ‘I don’t bloomin’ well think so!’

    From ‘I Don’t Know How She Does It’
    By Allison Pearson
    Edited by Aquarius
    * * *


    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  8. #1018
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    A Modern Fairy Tale

    Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog, as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

    The frog hopped into the Princess’ lap and said: ‘Sweet Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.’


    That night, while enjoying a repast of lightly sautéed frog’s legs, the princess chuckled to herself and thought: ‘I don’t bloomin’ well think so!’

    From ‘I Don’t Know How She Does It’

    By Allison Pearson

    Edited by Aquarius

    * * *


    Last edited by Aquarius; May 11th, 2018 at 02:41 PM.
    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  9. #1019
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    The Soccer Match

    Two long-time friends who loved playing soccer made a pact in their younger days. They agreed that whoever died first would try to contact the one left behind with information as to whether soccer was played in the world of spirit. Both adored the game so much that they looked forward to continue playing it after leaving the Earth plane.

    When the first of them had passed on, the other one waited to see whether his friend on the other side of the veil that separates our two world would find a way of contacting him. Lo and behold! One day, he received a message that his friend had some good and some bad news for him. ‘The good news is,’ his friend said, ‘that we do play soccer here and the bad news is that tomorrow you will be our goal keeper.’


    * * *



    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


  10. #1020
    Member Aquarius's Avatar
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    The Trip To Rome

    A woman was getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: ‘Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. How are you getting there?’

    ‘We’re taking Continental,’ was the reply. ‘We got a great rate!’

    ‘Continental?’ exclaimed the hairdresser. ‘That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. Where will you be staying in Rome?’

    ‘We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.’

    ‘Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.’

    ‘We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.’

    ‘That’s rich,’ laughed the hairdresser. ‘You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this trip of yours. You’re going to need it.’

    A month later, the woman came for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . ‘It was wonderful,’ she explained, ‘not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they moved us into first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome twenty-eight year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot. The hotel was great! They’d just finished a five million dollar remodelling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!’

    ‘Well,’ muttered the hairdresser, ‘that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.’

    ‘Actually, we were quite lucky, because on a tour through the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and told me the Pope would like to meet some of the visitors. If I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, he walked in and shook my hand! As I knelt down, he just spoke a few words to me.’

    ‘Oh, really! What did he say?’

    ‘After blessing me he said: ‘Who messed up your hair like this?’’

    * * *


    Who Is Blind?
    The one who is unable to perceive another world.
    Who is dumb?
    The one who cannot speak a kind and loving word at the right moment.
    Who is poor?
    The one who is plagued by too many desires.
    Who is rich?
    The one whose heart is contented.

    Anon.


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