How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning]

[Courtjester]

To get the ball rolling, here is my first contribution:

Moshe was visiting a cemetery. Wandering around he finally came to a magnificent mausoleum that had been made of shiny black marble. The inscription above the doorway, inlaid in gold, said ‘Rothchild’.

‘WOW!’ exclaimed Moshe. ‘Now, that’s what I call living.’


I am not Jewish myself but I like Jewish humour, probably better than any other kind.

[beanlord56]

How fitting that you make this thread.

There were these three guys, a drunk, a filthy rich, and a gay, and they all went to Hell at the same time. Satan walked up to them and said, "I think I'm going to give you three a second chance.But only if you," He pointed to the drunk. "Don't take a another drop of alcohol, you don't take another penny, and you don't have sex." The three guys agreed, and before they knew it, they were back on Earth. They were walking down the street together when they passed a bar. "I can't take it anymore." The drunk said. He walks into the bar, and goes to Hell. So the rich and the gay are left walking down the street. The rich looks down and sees a penny. "I can't take it anymore." He said. He bent over to pick up the penny, and the gay went to Hell.

[candid petunia]

An invisible man married an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

[Bluesman]

"My mother-in-law said 'one day I will dance on your grave'. I said 'I hope you do, I will be buried at sea.'"

My wife said she would die for me , she lied.

[Courtjester]

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office with the complaint: ‘Doctor, I think I’m going crazy. I keep imagining I am a zebra. Each time I look at myself in the mirror I see my entire body covered with black stripes.’

‘Calm down. You are not a zebra,’ the doctor reassures the man. Go home, take these pills and get a good night’s rest. I’m sure the black stripes will disappear.’

The man does as he is told, but the next day he is back at the doctor’s. ‘Doctor,’ he says, ‘the black stripes have disappeared. I feel great! Now, have you anything for the white stripes?’

[Courtjester]

A short skinny Jew walks into a lumber camp looking for a job. To impress the skeptical foreman, he chops down a towering oak tree in 90 seconds.

‘Wow! Where’d you learn to do that?’ the foreman asks.

‘In the Sahara Forest,’ the man replies.

‘Do you mean the Sahara Desert?’ queries the foreman.

The little Jew looks him in the eye and says: ‘Sure, now it’s a desert.’

[TheFuhrer02]

Here's one.

A neutron walked into the bar and ordered a glass of beer. After drinking the beer, he asked how much will the beer cost him. The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

[BabaYaga]

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?*

Cos the parrots-eat-em-al. (you have to say it out loud)*

[Bruce Wayne]

What is the worst vegetable to have on a boat?

A leak

[Bluesman]

So, these two antennas were getting married.
The wedding was great, but the reception was terrible!