Does this sentence make grammatical sense?


Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: Does this sentence make grammatical sense?

  1. #1

    Does this sentence make grammatical sense?

    Yet, as his soliloquy concludes, he confesses a wish to be amongst the "happy low", all who sleep has rescued from their "senses".

    OR

    Yet, as his soliloquy concludes, he confesses a wish to be amongst the "happy low", all, who sleep has rescued from their "senses".

    OR

    Yet, as his soliloquy concludes, he confesses a wish to be amongst the "happy low", who sleep has rescued from their "senses".

    OR

    Yet, as his soliloquy concludes, he confesses a wish to be amongst the "happy low", that sleep has rescued from their "senses".

    In case the context would make my question easier to answer, I'm referring to King Henry's soliloquy about his loss of sleep, from Henry IV, Part II.
    Wherever I sat - on the deck of a ship or at a street café in Paris or Bangkok - I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air.

  2. #2
    Do not take my answer as correct. I am learning about grammar.

    I will merely say what looks the best to me.

    The last is the one that is easiest for me to understand.
    The second one coma on each side of the "all" seems the most wrong. pause after the first part, then pause after one word?

    I don't know if I am right.

    MS WORD flags the last one, either no coma, or switch to which.
    "..."happy low" that sleep has rescued from their "senses".no coma
    "...,Which sleep has rescued..." switched word.

  3. #3
    WF Veteran Bloggsworth's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Leafy suburb of North London
    Posts
    3,836
    As far as I can see, none of them is correct - I would prefer either of the following, always assuming that the act of sleep releases one from one's senses:

    Yet, as his soliloquy concludes, he confesses a wish to be amongst the "happy low", all who sleep are rescued from their "senses".

    Or,

    Yet, as his soliloquy concludes, he confesses a wish to be amongst the "happy low", all who sleep have been rescued from their "senses".
    A man in possession of a wooden spoon must be in want of a pot to stir.

  4. #4
    I disagree Bloggsworth -- I believe he's not saying "all those people who have a tendency to sleep," he's saying "all those people who have been rescued BY sleep." That said, I would go with either your first or last option, 32rosie. But I'm pretty sure "whom" would be correct, as the pronoun is functioning as a direct object in the clause. However, I would switch it up, personally. One of the following sounds best to me:

    (passive)
    "Yet, as his soliloquy concludes, he confesses a wish to be among the "happy low", those who have been rescued from their senses by sleep."
    or
    "Yet, as his soliloquy concludes, he confesses a wish to be among the "happy low", those rescued from their senses by sleep."

    (active)
    "But as he concludes his soliloquy, he confesses a wish to be among the "happy low", those whom sleep has rescued from their senses."
    or
    "But as he concludes his soliloquy, he confesses a wish to be among the "happy low", those sleep has rescued from their senses."


    Is there any reason why you chose "amongst" rather than "among"? It appears to be a Britishism..
    Last edited by j.w.olson; September 6th, 2011 at 07:10 PM.
    I don't write stories, I lick them out of the ice and let them find their own way.Hidden Content
    Hidden Content
    Hidden Content

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by j.w.olson View Post
    "But as he concludes his soliloquy, he confesses a wish to be among the "happy low", those whom sleep has rescued from their senses."
    This is close. I would prefer "...among the 'happy low' - those whom sleep has rescued from their senses."

  6. #6
    Member Offeiriad's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    New Orleans
    Posts
    399
    Blog Entries
    2
    Which of your options is actually as written?
    I don't think my advice is better than anyone else's and they usually beat me to it anyway.

  7. #7
    Thanks everyone. I didn't expect so many options!

    I decdied to go with: "But as he concludes his soliloquy, he confesses a wish to be among the "happy low", those sleep has rescued from their senses."

    And Olson, as far as the word "amongst" goes, I think I've been spending a little too much time with Jane Austen...

    Rosie
    Wherever I sat - on the deck of a ship or at a street café in Paris or Bangkok - I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.