A happy beginning


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Thread: A happy beginning

  1. #1

    A happy beginning

    The subway car whizzed by the city tracks at 55 miles per hour. My eyes followed the liquid rolling hills of urban landscape blinking in time with the hum of the engine. Never-been-kissed lips mouthed the stops along with the bored conductor; never-been-in-love eyes glanced about never-been-special people.
    Mundane and lonesome I picked myself up at my stop of choice, my freedom dragged my never-been-caressed body to the stuffy platform of Fourteenth Street. Never-heard-endearment ears struggled to get lost in the music provided by worn down headphones. Lean legs skipped across rotting dirty stairs and into the smoldering heat of Manhattan.
    I stopped. Eyes followed all-too-familiar roads. With a small nod I secured my headphones and continued with the beating sun, strumming out the pavements until my final destination.
    I stopped.
    Your eyes full of kindred charming passion blazed their signature into every pore of my green blue orbs.
    A moment of bittersweet realization transpired, the autograph was taken. However, the oral contact would not be made by my never-been-successfully-flirty tongue. A virginal smile was given in return for your wickedly handsome grin. My finger gently pushed my headphone in again as my feet learned new hope from a reborn pace.
    I was stopped.
    Where did I get my hair done?
    New sinking feeling in my never-been-touched-heart.
    Lack of sleep propelled me into an abstract direction.
    Oh? Where are you from?
    Sort of in between. I dont feel like I have a home, you see.
    Choose here.
    I chose you, kindred in humor and birth country, a random stranger in my encountered serendipity. With an awkwardly swift exchange of personal numbers and a confirmation of a free time slot the next day I began my future. Ultimately, I found my home.
    Ultimately, I found you.
    Only-been-passionately-kissed lips mouth I love you, as loving-with-all-my-heart eyes look into yours. Sensually-insatiable-sated body faces you lustfully, earnestly. Heart-touched-by-the-smooth-crevices-of-your-soul opens up in this moment for the world to witness.

  2. #2
    For me the first part of the story beautifully captured the feeling of being lonely even when surrounded by people. I liked the repeated theme of 'Never-been-' and I loved the change to 'Only-been-passionately-kissed lips'. I did feel that 'Never been' was used too often and that the theme should only be used three times, with the third being the change to maximize the impact.

  3. #3
    I very much like your idea! I will go back to this when I have more time and fix that up. I think that would make it a little cleaner and have even more impact.

    Elena

  4. #4
    It reads like poetry. I love it. The only comment I have beyond Fran's post is that I don't much like the "you", as in, speaking directly to the person (because I'm the "you" in this case, I'm the audience). That's a personal stylistic comment though, it certainly doesn't discredit your beautiful prose.
    "and when we speak we are afraid
    our words will not be heard, nor welcomed
    but when we are silent we are still afraid
    So it is better to speak, remembering
    we were never meant to survive"
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  5. #5
    thanks!! yeah i need to comb it through it and make some decissions.

    Elena

  6. #6
    Member jamie's's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elenagance View Post
    The subway car whizzed by the city tracks at 55 miles per hour. My eyes followed the liquid rolling hills of urban landscape blinking in time with the hum of the engine. Never-been-kissed lips mouthed the stops along with the bored conductor; never-been-in-love eyes glanced about never-been-special people.
    Mundane and lonesome I picked myself up at my stop of choice, my freedom dragged my never-been-caressed body to the stuffy platform of Fourteenth Street. Never-heard-endearment ears struggled to get lost in the music provided by worn down headphones. Lean legs skipped across rotting dirty stairs and into the smoldering heat of Manhattan.
    I stopped. Eyes followed all-too-familiar roads. With a small nod I secured my headphones and continued with the beating sun, strumming out the pavements until my final destination.
    I stopped.
    Your eyes full of kindred charming passion blazed their signature into every pore of my green blue orbs.
    A moment of bittersweet realization transpired, the autograph was taken. However, the oral contact would not be made by my never-been-successfully-flirty tongue. A virginal smile was given in return for your wickedly handsome grin. My finger gently pushed my headphone in again as my feet learned new hope from a reborn pace.
    I was stopped.
    Where did I get my hair done?
    New sinking feeling in my never-been-touched-heart.
    Lack of sleep propelled me into an abstract direction.
    Oh? Where are you from?
    Sort of in between. I don’t feel like I have a home, you see.
    Choose here.
    I chose you, kindred in humor and birth country, a random stranger in my encountered serendipity. With an awkwardly swift exchange of personal numbers and a confirmation of a free time slot the next day I began my future. Ultimately, I found my home.
    Ultimately, I found you.
    Only-been-passionately-kissed lips mouth ‘I love you’, as loving-with-all-my-heart eyes look into yours. Sensually-insatiable-sated body faces you lustfully, earnestly. Heart-touched-by-the-smooth-crevices-of-your-soul opens up in this moment for the world to witness.
    ''...kindred charming passion...'' I love it

  7. #7

  8. #8
    i thought it was rather sweet way to show the change in person from one who thinks that love is impossible for them basically, to having that moment where there world is turn upside down from one glance from a stranger they had never met before. great work <3

  9. #9
    Could use a little tightening up but otherwise I liked it. "The subway car whizzed by the city tracks at 55 miles per hour." I would probably just delete this opening line, feels a bit like a warm up line then change the end of the second sentance to " hum of the cars engine and it hurtled past the city tracks". What are city tracks?

    "encountered serendipity" I would just change to serendipity.

    Not bad, I like you style... Needs some explosions in it... maybe a boat chase.

  10. #10
    My impression is that the subway car should have whizzed along the city tracks.
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