GEEK'D UP (Rated PG-18 and up) (Vulgar language)

Poll: What do you think of chapter one?

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Thread: GEEK'D UP (Rated PG-18 and up) (Vulgar language)

  1. #1

    Cool GEEK'D UP (Rated PG-18 and up) (Vulgar language)

    I decided to write this paying homage to all the geeks, nerds, techies, dorks, goofs, smart-guys, die-hards, gamers, movie-goers, and geniuses out there. Most should understand the dialogue. All adlib.
    __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____________________

    Chapter One

    Deep in the darkest recesses...of the epic altercation was about to take place between two warriors of great an awesome power. One possesses the power of an itchy trigger finger that’s ready to do heavy damage to anyone’s thick skull in the crosshairs of his .50 caliber Barrett sniper rifle. The other warrior…well there isn’t much to say about him because you can’t really see him from this viewpoint.
    The basement door flings open revealing a tall, skinny silhouetted figure with glasses looking down below.
    “Aw what the f**k, Douglas? You just cost me the most glorious headshot. I was about to freakin’ blow his head off the screen and totally T-Bag the rest.”
    The door closed behind Douglas as he came down the stairs, “Mark you’re a f**kin’ noob. You can’t hit sh*t, even if that sh*t is point blank in yo face! You might as well go back to playing story mode cause you suck at multiplayer. My grandmother can headshot you’re a** with a pistol from a mile away with her back facing the screen…and she’s dead!”
    “Shut up! It’s this f**kin’ lag!” Mark shouted while taking his headset off and rising up from his leather office chair. “I busted my a** getting 9th prestige; you ain’t even at level 1 yet so you can go back upstairs and watch your gay-a** X-Men movie.”
    The expression on Douglas’ face spoke for himself saying that he was offended. “Who you think you are talking about X-Men? Marvel movies PWN your crappy DC titles any day!”
    Mark walked toward Douglas and got in his face, “Then why haven’t any of your Marvel movies topped the Dark Knight yet? Cause they SUCK that’s why! The Dark Knight by itself beats out all of the other Marvel movies, domestically, foreign, and freakin’ worldwide. Check the stats BEYOTCH!”
    “Pleeeaasssse,” Douglas put his hand in Mark’s face, “Don’t give me that Dark Knight crap. The only reason why that movie even sold tickets is because Heath Ledger overjacked to Jack Nicholson. Get that crap outta my face! You’re a freakin Nolan groupie. I bet you jerk it to Memento and get an orgasm to Inception you sick f*ck! That’s probably why this f*ckin carpet is so sticky. You probably squeezed Inception juice all over the floor!”
    Mark was fuming red. “You shut your mouth!”
    As he was about to cock back his hand and deck Douglas in the facial, the basement door flings open again to reveal a darker silhouette.
    “WASSUP MY N1&&@$?!”
    Mark and Douglas turn their heads simultaneously toward the figure.
    “Oh hey James,” Mark said putting down his clenched fist. “We were waiting for you.”
    “I bet you homos were.” James said as he skipped a few steps down the stairs. “What the Hell are yall doing down here in the dark with no one else around and one computer screen on? Somebody getting their wang air-dried?”
    “Your mindset is really disturbing dude,” Mark said.
    “Your mom is very disturbing,” James said back. “I knock on the door and she let me in…and I’m talking about more than just through the door.”
    Douglas snorted at James’ remark. Mark looked at him for about 3 seconds and positioned himself as if he was going to backhand him in the face. Douglas flinched heavily putting his hands over his head and covering his face.
    “Chillax Mark,” James said turning on another computer monitor that was in the basement. “Anyway, what weak-a** clan are we opening the can of rapesauce on today?”
    Douglas grabbed a piece of paper with a lot of names on it and a bunch of red marks crossed over most of the names. “We are scheduled to go against…uhh…[email protected] today at 5.”
    “Alright ladies, get your bras on,” James said unpacking his headset from his book bag. “We got an hour to train till we smack dem hoes up. Let’s do this. We got a championship to win.”
    They all shouted to get pumped up and all logged in to the game…
    I am The Crimson One

  2. #2
    I kind of liked this. Juvenile as could be, but I smiled. I particularly liked the inception juice line. My main critique is that I'd like to see some description of the three main characters. While I get the feeling they are all suitably geeky-looking, the piece could be funnier if that's made clear.

  3. #3
    I agree with the above. I did get a quick laugh and a smile out of it. Comedy is hard to write I find (you have to appeal to a wide audience) and you've done it well. I've not seen Black Knight or Inception but I was/am aware of the DC and Marvel comics.

    The idea of geeks fighting is also an amusing one as I imagine geeks being skinny, wearing glasses and generally unable to injure a spider. Good character building there. Nice job
    Life: Music, Books, writing, walking.

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  4. #4
    The dialogue could use work, but pretty solid

  5. #5
    The first stereotype of a geek that comes to mind is that they are socially awkward. Your characters are all extremely confident, as they would be being friends. Maybe as an extension you could introduce another character from outside of their group and explore how they react. In your story all the characters seem to have the same personality which I actually like a lot, that's what guys are like when they get together with their buddies.

  6. #6
    This was quite funny and 'real' if you know what I mean,

    I pictured the three main characters as my brother and two of his friends as this is how their interaction with one another goes, I find the swearing excessive but again that's what makes it real,

    I don't know if it would be worthwhile really building up the opening sentence as a battlefield between two fierce warriors, you created the illusion but shattered it immediately with revealing the fact they were in a basement, maybe continue the illusion just for a little bit longer and then just smash into reality, so to speak, to end it,

    Keep up the good work!

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