Sail away


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  1. #1

    Sail away

    I’m standing on the road by the sea. Old castle in the background. I knew I had to get off Ireland as soon as possible but all the boats have sailed. Only one escape: The Aeroplane. I swiftly ran to the hangar. The lightning stroke twice nearby. The sound of rain hammering down on the roads and fields. The microscopic particles floating in the air around me. I was surrounded by elemental crises.

    The flight took off and we departed the green island. I looked down and saw the trees and the fields again, from the sea gulls perspective. I sailed away, to the foreign lands again. Never wary of adventures. Landed in Belgium, had a glass of water with Tintin, my Belgian contact. Captain Haddock was there too and in a great mood at that. He told me the latest professor Calculus joke. I laughed - it was hilarious.

    We sailed away to Africa. down the Congolese river. Met many wild beasts and creatures. Saw a giraffe, then an elephant and a gorilla on top of that. Well, not literally on top of the elephant of course, that would have been absurd.
    Last edited by Pongy; July 11th, 2011 at 10:17 PM.
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  2. #2
    Your punchline struck me more as an amusing comment for the middle of a story, rather than the zinger at the end. Also, there are a lot of grammatical issues and typos. The piece is so short, I'm not sure what else I can say about it.

  3. #3
    Fixed some typos. Did you feel anything at all while reading it?
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  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Pongy View Post
    Fixed some typos. Did you feel anything at all while reading it?
    That question practically begs for a sarcastic response. However, restraining myself mightily, I'll simply say "confused." I'm really not sure what you were trying to do with this piece. The first paragraph felt like you were trying to convey a sense of immediacy and danger. The second paragraph conveyed a wistful atmosphere. And the last paragraph a tongue-in-cheek joke.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by garnerdavis View Post
    That question practically begs for a sarcastic response. However, restraining myself mightily, I'll simply say "confused." I'm really not sure what you were trying to do with this piece. The first paragraph felt like you were trying to convey a sense of immediacy and danger. The second paragraph conveyed a wistful atmosphere. And the last paragraph a tongue-in-cheek joke.
    No it did not. If you feel a need to respond sarcastically to other people then perhaps you are mildly disturbed, perhaps you have been mistreated as a young person and wish to take it out on others in your turn. I can only speculate.
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  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Pongy View Post
    No it did not. If you feel a need to respond sarcastically to other people then perhaps you are mildly disturbed, perhaps you have been mistreated as a young person and wish to take it out on others in your turn. I can only speculate.
    You asked whether I felt anything while reading it. My attempt at levity aside (which you clearly did not get), I told you. Take out the sarcasm reference and you have my honest critique of what I felt. If you intended to convey something different, it didn't work, for me. Others may feel differently.

  7. #7
    I don't think anything under a thousand words can be fully judged

  8. #8
    Honoured/Sadly Missed The Backward OX's Avatar
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    I'm with garner.

  9. #9
    I’m standing on the road by the sea. Old castle in the background. I knew I had to get off Ireland as soon as possible but all the boats have sailed. Only one escape: The Aeroplane. I swiftly ran to the hangar. The lightning stroke twice nearby. The sound of rain hammering down on the roads and fields. The microscopic particles floating in the air around me. I was surrounded by elemental crises

    Confusion is indeed the feeling this piece gives. The first sentence is in the present tense, the second does not seem complete "I’m standing on the road by the sea, with an old castle in the background.", would seem more like. The third changes the tense to past but uses two forms, "I had to get off", "the boats have sailed". Also "I had to get off" is such an unusual construction in this sense that I initially mis-read it as "I had to get off to", "I had to leave" would be clearer.

    Lightning strikes or has struck, a stroke is what I give my cat or suffer in the brain. Also why The lightning ? What lightning? Why specific? It has not been mentioned before.

    "The sound of rain hammering down on the roads and fields" Another incomplete and disconnected sentence.

    "The microscopic particles floating in the air around me." Those same things apply, why "The", the incomplete nature of the sentence, the present continuous tense. Add to that the incongruity, microscopic particles tend to get washed out of the air by "Hammering rain" leaving it clean and fresh.

    "I was surrounded by elemental crises." I am unsure why the plural.
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  10. #10
    Dyadyushka Denis sincerely admires that you could see so much living creatures for once!!! The Dyadyushka much to our regret saw a giraffe, an elephant, a gorilla only on the TV.

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