I Remember


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Thread: I Remember

  1. #1

    I Remember

    When I was 3 I bit into an electric cord. I remember the buzzing tingle in my head,

    When I was 7 I stepped on a nail. I remember the pain as it went through my foot.

    When I was 10 I fell out of a tree. I remember bouncing down from branch to branch and hitting the ground hard.

    When I was 13 I broke my nose. I remember the numb feeling and a lot of blood.

    When I was 17 I got hit by a car. I remember the sound of screeching breaks and a thud. I woke up in a hospital.
    I most of all remember the smell of that hospital.

    When I was 18 I met you. I remember----oh, so much, so very much. All wonderful. No pain. Just you.

    When I was 22 we married. I remember our life together as a fairy tale.

    When I was 31 I had a gallbladder attack. I remember the pain being so great I couldn’t even stand. Back to the hospital.
    The same hospital smell.

    When I was 58 I had a heart attack. I remember thinking I don’t want to leave you, much more than I remember any pain.
    Hospital. Smell.

    When I was 63 you went away. All I remember anymore are the painful events of my life.

    I’m 65. I stand here by your stone. The gun is in my pocket.

    I remember------

    June 2011 edit Nov 22, 2011
    Last edited by Prof; January 4th, 2012 at 10:44 PM. Reason: skimming off the fat
    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

  2. #2
    This is staggering in the vivid imagery of that last line.I loved the way you brought the reader along-year by year--event by event-slowly building to a devastating conclusion ...
    On a personal note--I hope with all of my soul that you have never felt that kind of despair , That you would stand at her grave side with a gun in your pocket... Peace--Jul

  3. #3
    Member shabazz's Avatar
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    Please don't pull the trigger...lol.

  4. #4
    The fact that I''m writing this should suggest that either I didn't pull the trigger or that I am a very poor shot. I'm a very good shot, ergo---

    Once in my life I did feel that kind of despair. I survived it. I have tried several times to articulate that feeling in poetry, usually around the 4th of July. This is my attempt this year
    --
    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

  5. #5
    Member torbird's Avatar
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    Prof, I like the way the only positive memories in this are about the 'you'; it shows how important love is, without making it too lovey-dovey. Well handled, I think!

  6. #6
    New Member east_coast_tom's Avatar
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    beautifully written piece here friend, beautiful indeed. This life is a strange one indeed, but everything is heading exactly to where it's supposed to be heading! Nothing is off track.

    Stay positive sir! It's all a man has!

    With love,

    ECT

  7. #7
    At first all i could notice was the the age numbers went up into then jumped to three, but then i started to realise the pattern you had. Very nice piece. I like how you wrote this. I was taken back by the ending - didn't expect that! Nice one

  8. #8
    Thanks guys. I have been trying for years to get a certain emotion on paper. I think this comes close.
    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

  9. #9
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    You don't have to make these changes if you don't want to.
    "When I was 7 I stepped on a nail. I remember the stabbing pain as it went completely through my foot."
    It sounded a bit wordy so i took out completely as it also sounded redundant being in the phrase "through my foot"
    When I was 7 I stepped on a nail. I remember the stabbing pain as it went through my foot.

    "When I was 10 I fell out of a tree. I remember bouncing down the branches like a ping pong ball."
    The first sentence was a bit wordy. The second one sounds really nice though, but maybe you could find a different word for bouncing? It sounds a little too playful.
    When I was ten I fell from a tree.

    "When I was 22 we married. I remember our life together almost as a fairy tale"
    Get rid of "almost"

    "When I was 31 I had a gallbladder attack. I remember the pain being so great I couldn’t even stand up. Back to the hospital.
    I still most of all remember the smells."
    Remove the word "up" and you might be able to rephrase "I still most of all remember the smells"

    "When I was 58 I had a mild heart attack. I remember thinking I don’t want to leave you, much more than I remember any pain.
    Hospital. Smells."
    Cut "mild from the first sentece" and place the word Any in front of "Hospital" and "Smells" It'll fit better with "any pain"

    "When I was 63 you went away. All I remember anymore are the painful events of my life."
    First part is perfect. Restructure the second sentence. Maybe change it to "Now all i can recall are the painful events in my life."

    the last sentence is amazing, its very plain, yet very emotional.

  10. #10
    Reynolds29, of course I don't have to make the changes if I don't want to, but some are valid and I will edit a bit.

    Your first is a good point, I try it.

    Your next is less valid. I see little difference between fell out of & fell from. I agree about ping pong ball, but pichinco ball is no better and short of pin ball machine I draw a blank.

    Your third, agree with removing up, but not about changing the last sentasnce.

    Your fourth, I agree with dropping the word mild not with the rest of it.

    Your fifth I must disagree with. "Remember" is the key word in the poem. Why would I change it to "recall?"

    Still, thanks for the detailed reviews. I appreciate it.
    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

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