I Remember - Page 3


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Thread: I Remember

  1. #21
    I really liked the flow of this. The patterned style made it very easy to be lulled until >wham< !
    Dream big, fight hard, live proud!

  2. #22
    Hey Prof,

    Been a while, thought I'd cruise the boards and yours was the first I stopped on. Hope you don't mind.

    I like it. I have to admit it teeters for me a bit, the repetition is a bit stark - something like an essay or short narrative. Not necessarily a bad thing in poetry, just something to consider. All told, I think the repetition, narrative and the sober imagery keeps the reader a bit distant. For such an emotive message, I would try to bring the reader in tight - draw them in so that they empathize with those moods and experience those images.

    Of course, that the real sport of it all isn't it? How to capture an audience. I digress.

    It's not a standard poem, but that's a good thing. It's narrative, as it should be - so that too works well here. If I think on it long enough I don't see any real issue, but at first it was hard to get behind it. I'm pretty open minded though, you might have a small audience on this one. I think it all comes down to the separation one feels in reading this... like watching the news.

    I hope some of that makes sense. My deepest condolences for your loss. I'm in your boat too - oddly enough mine was July 5th. I've never been able to write her the poem I wanted too either. A difficult thing, when it's real.

    Any rate, wishing you the best bud. Hope to read more of yours soon.

    Cheers,

    Josh
    - Back for a bit, more and less.

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