A rain haiku


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Thread: A rain haiku

  1. #1
    Banned Martin's Avatar
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    A rain haiku

    It's just after rain,
    leaves are heavy from water
    and forests still drip.

  2. #2
    Banned Martin's Avatar
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    I realise I kinda gave in for the need of satisfying the traditional 5-7-5 structure. My excuse was, that the fill words would signify more of an experienced feel. I guess the piece should rather read:


    After rain
    leaves are heavy from water;
    forests still drip.

  3. #3
    Member Trides's Avatar
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    Yeah, I prefer the new version. Haikus are about minimalism, aren't they? Although I was a bit bothered because I took "leaves are heavy from water" and "forests still drip" for repetitions of the same basic idea.

  4. #4
    Banned Martin's Avatar
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    Thanks Trides. I can't help but agree with you.

  5. #5
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    I agree with Trides, and think the revised version reads much better, thanks for sharing.

    Kind regards,

    Saucerful

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Martin View Post
    It's just after rain,
    leaves are heavy from water
    and forests still drip.
    think of a way to write it without words that convey no meaning

    example: it's, are, and

  7. #7
    Member Trides's Avatar
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    @0rganic: see post #2
    High school = much work = procrastination = mother shouting = shouting back at mother

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Trides View Post
    Haikus are about minimalism, aren't they?
    No - Haiku are a very precisely structured and have a well defined form.
    That said, the original is a good Haiku and I would only make one change, the word from should be changed to with, as it is more inclusive, tying the water and leaves together.

  9. #9
    Member Trides's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bloggsworth View Post
    No - Haiku are a very precisely structured and have a well defined form.
    Referring to English ones, I respectfully disagree.
    the word from should be changed to with
    Agreed.
    High school = much work = procrastination = mother shouting = shouting back at mother

  10. #10
    They're either Haiku or they're something else. English Haiku is as oxymoronic as Canadian Cheddar....

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