The Red Crystal (working title. Fantasy/Young Adult) - Page 2


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Thread: The Red Crystal (working title. Fantasy/Young Adult)

  1. #11
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    I think it is a good introduction to the plot and would like to read more when its finnished. I do, however, agree with some of the first comments that the descriptions of the envrionment could be fleshed out more, espestially the field of flowers.

  2. #12
    WF Veteran Sunny's Avatar
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    I read this once before and couldn't really add anything new to what had already been said. I obviously liked it enough that I came back to re-read it, and thought I should write that much at least. I like your descriptions, it's very easy to see and feel what is going on. I can tell that you have put a lot of hard work into this; it shows! It kind of reminded me of a movie I loved as a kid "The never ending story". Not the actual plot, but falling into the story when opening the book.

    Great job, I definitely want to read more!
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  3. #13
    Member josh.townley's Avatar
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    Thanks so much, Sunny. It has been a lot of hard work so far, and it's daunting to think that I'm not even half way to the finished product yet. But it is very encouraging to hear that I'm not the only that enjoys it. Thanks again.

  4. #14
    WF Veteran Sunny's Avatar
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    Well be encouraged Josh, it's really good and you're obviously a good writer! As for adding in the surrounding descriptions later, that will be easy peasy! Sometimes it's better to plow through and get your story down, and then go back and do your re-writing and editing! How long have you been working on it? I feel like I'm yelling at you with all of my exclamation marks! lol.
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  5. #15
    Member josh.townley's Avatar
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    I've been working on it for about 8 months, although there were a few weeks near the beginning where I was working on some drawing and design work that ate into my writing time. I think I'm about half-way through story at just over 35,000 words now. I'm currently editing the first half, rewriting a couple of chapters, and working out the details in my plan for the second half. I've been a lot stricter lately with making sure I do something each day; writing for an hour before work, editing my draft over lunch, and usually more writing in the evening. Sometimes I wish for just a couple of free days to lock myself away and do nothing but write, but even the weekends are so busy these days.
    I think if I ever make it to the next book I will try to start with a much clearer plan, and write the first draft all in one go, as you say.

  6. #16
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    I wish I had some strict rules for myself. Iíve been waiting for this week of vacation time for so long, just so I could get a good chunk of writing done. Of course Iíve caught a cold from my sisterís kids and feel miserable at the moment. I donít feel like doing much of anything, let alone being creative. Itís the way it goes sometimes, I guess. C'est la vie.

    Itís funny; it only took me 2 months to write my first book. It did, however, take me 5 months to re-write and edit it. My next book has been very different. Iíve gotten into the habit of editing as I go from my first novel, and itís slowing me down tremendously. Iíve only got 3 pages done in the past two weeks. Itís deplorable! I keep rewording everything, trying to make it sound better. *hangs my head in shame* lol
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  7. #17
    Member josh.townley's Avatar
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    Well, Hemingway was said to only write 500 words per day, so if the quality is good, I'd still call it making progress.

  8. #18
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    You're right. Anything is better than nothing.
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  9. #19
    I'll agree about getting the draft written all in one go. The hardest part of any story is that pesky bit between the beginning and the end, and once you have that down the rest is just polish and elbow grease. On the subject of a last name (or a first name if that ever troubles you) you could always try a random name generator ala seventhsanctum or similar just to get ideas. Paragraphs - Length isn't really an issue, but don't be afraid to break them up now and then if it feels right.
    Its easy to hate yourself when all your love is inside someone else.

  10. #20
    Member FrederickS's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by josh.townley View Post
    Hi Folks!
    This is a very brief look at a small section of my first ever novel. It's still quite rough and needs a bit of fleshing out yet, but I'm just looking to get some initial feedback.
    Thanks for reading!

    EDIT 1- I've added some more detail, so hopefully it has a better atmosphere to it now. Changed her name from Galinda to Ralinda, which I think I like better. Still yet to decide on a last name for her, though.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Prologue

    Ralinda [Something] pulled the heavy tome from the shelf and blew the dust from its yellowed pages. She slowly descended the ladder she had used to reach the top shelf, her old bones creaking with each step. Holding the book in both hands, she shuffled along the walkway which was flanked on both sides by tall bookshelves almost vacant of books. What had once been a grand library filled with scholars, students and booklovers, was now deserted,. A thick layer of dust covering ed every surface in the building, including and even Ralinda herself. Scraps of paper and old, broken books littered the black and white tiled aisles, but Ralinda paid them no mind as she passed. Overhead, the skylights that once filled the library with crisp, white light, were so crusted with dirt and overgrown mosses. on the outside that barely a trickle of sunlight was allowed got in, giving the inside of the library an ambiance of perpetual twilight. Few people visited the library these days, since most of the popular and valuable books had been moved to the big new library in Ergona when it was built a few decades ago and, naturally, the people had followed them. Most days Ralinda walked the aisles alone, doing her best to maintain the remaining books, and absorbing as much of their knowledge as she was able to.

    With a heave, she thumped the large volume onto the table. She shuffled through the papers on the table, eventually locating her wand. It was white like her hair, a comma does not usually precede "and", "but", "or" etc... and had grown gnarled and bent with age, much like her own fingers. A tiny flick of her wrist, and the candles on the table sputtered to life. Long shadows danced across the cracked tiles and up the faded wood panelled walls.
    This starts a new paragraph
    The cover of the book was made of dark, cracked leather with simple embossing around its borders, and in the centre the black outline of a crow in flight. She tapped lightly with her wand on the clasp that held shut the pages of the book, and it immediately sprung open. The pages flipped of their own accord, coming to rest on a blank page in the middle of the book.
    New paragraph
    Ralinda sighed deeply. She dreaded what was to come, but there was no other choice. She had been feeling a disturbance in the air, and lately it had grown to the point that she could no longer ignore it. She had to know what was coming, and only the power of the book could show her. She drew the symbol of the crow on the blank page with her wand, and instantly felt the drowsiness wash over her.

    A few seconds later the world around her was disappearing, like the reflection in a pond disturbed by a falling stone. The bookcases and walls melted away, and suddenly she was standing in a field of flowers. The sky was a deep orange, touched with sepia that faded to white in her periphery. The flowers beneath her feet had a similar wash of colour, and leaned gently from side to side in a silent dance conducted by a wind Ralinda could not feel. The air was thick and heavy, like being underwater, and the muted silence added to the sensation. She suddenly realised that she was no longer alone, as Slow moving, featureless figuresfigures materialised around her. . Each of them held a wand above their head, pointed to the sky, but their blank faces were angled toward the ground, they wandered aimlessly as if in a trance. As she watched the figures, she gradually became aware that the once bright light had begun to dim, and a red glow had appeared in the distance in front of her. The fear began to grow inside her as she watched a dark shape pulling itself from the ground. The shape writhed and collapsed in on itself, like some sort of deformed animal stuck in tar, but it continued to struggle, growing ever larger.

    Slowly the figure took the shape of a man, with two glowing red eyes. Its body was black liquid, bubbling and oozing over itself, down its arms, falling in long strings from its fingers. The people around her continued to wander aimlessly, bumping into one another, oblivious to the dark figure. She opened her mouth to cry out, to warn them, but her words could not escape her throat. She could only watch on in horror as the wands of the people began to crumble in their hands. As the people lowered their arms and stared at their hands, they too began to crumble. Fingers fell to the ground and shattered to pieces. Whole arms broke off as they tried to reach out for help. Ralinda pressed her bony hand to her mouth as the figures turned to her and with silent screams, began to disintegrate. Eventually nothing remained but piles of dust that were soon taken by the growing wind. The world began to shake, and Ralinda had trouble focusing her gaze on any one thing. The dark figure had continued to grow in size, and now occupied almost her entire field of vision. Its gaze, she knew, had fallen to her and she felt the burning stare of those red eyes. She felt the weight of hopelessness pressing down on her, draining her will.
    New paragraph
    Just when she was about to collapse and surrender to the darkness, she became aware of three figures standing in front of her. Three small figures, their wands raised, standing defiantly in the path of the growing shadow. They had their backs to her and she could make out little more than their silhouettes against the shadow. The shadow howled at them, and the force of its anger brought Ralinda to her knees, but the three figures remained steadfast. The last thing Ralinda saw before her world was engulfed in darkness was the shadow descending on the three brave figures.

    Ralinda awoke with a gasp, and gripped the edge of the table to steady herself. Her brow was drenched in sweat, and her breathing haggard. The candles around her had burned down to waxy stumps, and their flames were now beginning to dwindle. She hurriedly closed the book and sealed the clasp with her wand, then shoved it with all her remaining strength. The book slid off the the edge of the table, taking a stack of papers with it, and fell heavily to the floor. Then she buried her face in her hands, and wept.
    Interesting start. I think this has strong potential, depending on plot and character development. Stay with it.

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