Fantasy parody

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  1. #1

    Fantasy parody

    I'm working on a story, and I have a prologue, two chapters, and a few sentences of the third:

    Prologue

    Pull up a chair, children, and I'll tell you the story of the thief, the knight, the witch, and the princess. Princess Nicolette, princess of High Springtania (I'm pretty sure the king was smoking weed when he picked that name, but I digress), Nora Morningsong, the thief, Tristan London, the knight, and Frederica Nightshade had seemingly nothing in common at first.

    And they don't.

    They really don't.

    But despite this, they all ended up, through a series of not-so-small disasters and great misfortune, in the back of a wagon together, which is how the adventures and misadventures began. Prepare to laugh, gasp, cringe, be on the edge of your seat (or not), and possibly fall asleep.

    Well, it can't all be exciting…

    Chapter 1

    Princess Nicolette is by far the prettiest character in our story. Of course she is; she is a princess, after all. What, do you think I could ever put in a plain or unattractive princess in a fairy tale? No way. Princesses are beautiful. That's the status quo. Look, I don't make the rules, I just write with them, okay?

    Right. So Nicolette was the prettiest girl in High Springtania. To be honest, there were plenty of girls who were just as nice-looking as she was, but as the princess, everyone flattered her. Nicolette had long, silky golden hair (Wow, a blond princess! That's original!), dark brown eyes, and fair skin. She was presumed everywhere to be stupid and incompetent, but she was a hell of a lot smarter than her father. King Earl, like King Henry VIII, had gone through a lot of wives, trying to get one of them to pop out a male heir. He'd only succeeded in impregnating any of them twice, but both children were daughters— the first time was his second wife, Queen Tatiana of Abernathia, who'd had Nicolette's half-sister, Grace. Being a main character, Nicolette is, of course, much, much prettier. The second time was Nicolette's mother, Queen Arielle of Iristake, who was his fifth wife. King Earl tended to stay with the wife two years, and if she never had a baby boy, he'd (without, I may add, even momentarily thinking about the fact that it might be his fault) divorce her, which was much more civilized than beheading her (actually, Henry VIII did that. Long story, don't ask), which was his only other option, since being a polygamist is illegal in High Springtania. I have lamented this fact repeatedly, since this means I will be forced to choose between Devon Bostick, Logan Lerman, and Tom Felton.

    Getting back on topic, Nicolette, being as valuable as she was, was kidnapped frequently. Like once or twice a week. In fact, she was so used to it, being kidnapped didn't even faze her anymore. On the contrary, she considered it to be a normal part of her schedule, just like Tristan London considered rescuing her to be a dull chore, rather than a great adventure.

    Tristan London, at age 18, was four years older than Nicolette. He was a young knight, and fawned over by all the girls in the kingdom. Well, all except for one, Nora Morningsong, but I'll get to Nora later. I have to admit, this fawning wasn't at all unfounded, as Tristan was good-looking. But he was nowhere near as handsome as he thought he was. No one in the world is as handsome as Tristan London thought he was. The truth was, he was a bit above average in the looks department, but nothing more. Nice eyes, and strong arms, but that was the end of notable features. Fame and fortune had long since gone to Tristan's head, and he was among the most arrogant men in the kingdom. He was respected and idolized, and he knew it. He knew damn well that all the women in the land wanted him. What he didn't know, however, was that Nicolette often dreaded being rescued by him, due to his gitishness. (I don't care if gitishness isn't a word! I'm the author; I can do whatever I want!) But, much to her dismay, he'd always burst through the window just in the nick of time to rescue her from horrible dangers. Well, he thought they were horrible dangers anyway. The Dark Knight Thornblood, who was 16, was Nicolette's most frequent kidnapper, but over the years, he and the princess had grown to genuinely like and appreciate one another's company. He never intended to harm her. His father, the Dark Overlord of Darkness Darksoul (I'm not joking. That is his name), was another story.

    Frederica Nightshade was Darksoul's apprentice, but the 14-year-old wouldn't hurt a fly. At least not on purpose. Frederica was a witch in training, but her magic still needed some work. She was well-meaning but klutzy, eager but rash. As a witch, she had bright purple hair and darker purple eyes, despite the fact that that's, you know, impossible. Oh whatever, it looks cool, and that's all that matters. Frederica did like Tristan, but he paid her no attention. Not that this stopped her, much to Darksoul's irritation. She'd often attempt to get him to notice her, to no avail. He was always too focused on Nicolette, who would've gladly allowed him to run off with Frederica. She tried so hard to make him like her. She once built a beautiful garden maze, because Frederica knew how much Nicolette liked flowers, and she knew how much Tristan liked Nicolette. It was all basically full-on sucking up to the man she loved. I understand; I would totally make a garden maze for Devon Bostick. You know. If he liked flowers, too.

    Nora Morningsong, age 13, seemed to be the only person in High Springtania, next to Nicolette, who was aware of Tristan's jerkocity. (And before you go, "Jerkocity isn't a word!", let me get this across: I DON'T CARE.) She hated his guts. This was the main reason she liked stealing from him more than anyone else. Nora was something of a kleptomaniac, stealing everything she had. This was justified, due to her being poor as dirt. While she was poor in dollars, she was rich in smarts, being easily the most intelligent of the four main characters in this story. She was an orphan (Shut up! I don't care if it's a cliché!), being forced to support her three younger siblings, Gloria (age 10), Lucy (age 7), and Oliver (age 5). The four of them stuck together. They were a team.

    In fact, it was Nora's need to steal that kick started this story.

    "Okay, Oliver, you see those pretty red apples?" asked Lucy, pointing to a merchant's cart. They were in their hideaway in the middle of High Springtania's town square, on Saturday, which was selling day. Merchants from far and wide would come to sell and trade.

    "Mm-hmm!" Oliver said, nodding.

    "Should we add that to our shopping list for NoNo?"

    "Yeah!" They were making a list of things needed to steal that day.

    Around noon, they gave the list to Nora. "Hmm," she said, looking it over. "Okay. I'll be back in an hour." She pulled on her disguise (so she looked like a boy), put on a cap to hide her brown curls, and darted out into the streets.

    Chapter 2


    Frederica examined a merchant's booth. "50 gold shillings?!" she exclaimed. "That's a lot for a tiny bottle of elixir."

    "Yes, maybe so, Miss," said the merchant. "But look! It can change any metal into gold with one drop." He demonstrated by picking up a dropped silver coin from the street, and putting drop of the amber liquid on it. The coin glowed orange for a moment, and then, when the light faded, it was pure gold.

    Impressed, the young witch said, "All right, give me a vial." She paid for it, and went off on her way.

    Nora, who'd overheard the conversation, decided she needed some of that elixir for herself. No, not just for me, she thought. My siblings, too. I could make gold, and buy us food and clothing… maybe even a shelter.

    She adjusted her cap, making sure her hair was completely covered, and walked up to the stand. Deepening her voice, Nora said, "Let me see that elixir."

    "You look familiar," said the merchant. He squinted at the girl. "What's your name, boy?"

    "Uh… James," she lied.

    "All right, James, do you have any money?"

    "Of course." Nora bumped a shelf of crystal balls with her hip, knocking the entire thing over.

    "You stupid little clumsy brat!" the man hissed, rushing over to pick up the merchandise . "Do you know how expensive and rare these crystal balls— Hey, put that down! Get back here!"

    Too late. Nora had stuffed as many potions she could reach into her pockets, and dashed off.

    At the same moment, Tristan rode through town on his white stallion, looking for Nicolette. "My lady is somewhere around here," the git in shining armor said. She was, but was currently hiding from her father, and Queen Iris of Kalada (wife number 9).

    I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but girls tend to worry more about external appearances a lot more than boys do. Tristan, however, being both superficial and exceptionally vain, cared more about his appearance than Frederica, Nora, and Nicolette put together. It was a pride thing. He needn't have worried; since this is a fairy tale, he was able to slay dragons, save young maidens, and fight evil warlords— and all while keeping every hair in place! Don't ask me how, but that's the way fairy tales work. Now, if any normal person tried to do all that, they would have a tangled mess (and fractured limbs, several burns, fatal injuries, etc.).

    So, anyway, Tristan stopped to admire his reflection in a shield, when he saw Frederica pass by.

    "Good day, young lady!" he called.

    Frederica blushed, and said, "Good day, Sir Tristan."

    "Have you seen the princess?" Unknown to both of them, Nicolette was actually within earshot, listening to this conversation.

    "No, sir."

    "It appears that she has been captured by the Dark Knight Thornblood."

    "Oh dear! I hope she's all right," Frederica gasped.

    That's it! thought Nicolette. I'll visit Thornblood.

    She decided to hitch a ride to Darksoul Castle on a wagon. Climbing on, the princess hid herself in the hay.

    Tristan rode by, and spotted a foot sticking out of the hay. The foot was wearing shoes made of pure diamonds, and there was only one girl in the kingdom who had shoes like that.

    "My dear Nicolette!" he said, jumping onto the wagon. "I am here to rescue you."

    As Nicolette tried to explain that she didn't need rescuing, the wagon began to move. Nora ran by, and jumped on, avoiding a miffed person she'd stolen from. "Hello there," she greeted her fellow riders.

    The wagon flew down the bumpy road, and the three had no idea where they were headed. Frederica sat up, saying, "I wonder where it's taking us."

    "Wait," said Nicolette. "How'd you get here?"

    "The magic of plot holes, my friend."



    Feedback?

  2. #2
    Too heavy-handed. This seems to be one long exercise in breaking the fourth wall and cliche meta observations. This blurs the line between it being a self-critical rather than genre-critical piece.

    Also, the there is a lack of comedic timing. Comedy has a cadence, and the timing and pacing of jokes has an incredible amount to do with whether they fall flat or not. Most, well, everything in this story seemed to be a thrown-on aside or abrupt statement, and it just doesn't work.

  3. #3
    Member ThreadWhisperer's Avatar
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    I have to agree regrettably. I have always enjoyed authors who lend a comic look at the fantasy genre such as Patricia Wrede and Piers Anthony, but this simply seemed more like a mockery of authors / readers, then a comedic look at the genre. The number of "asides" and breaking of the flow to express personal commentary began to feel like an expression of disdain more so than anything else. Perhaps this is because I am a fantasy writer as my primary genre so that should be taken into consideration when viewing my comments as well.

    As I stated before I do like comical views of fantasy writing such as those written by the two authors I mentioned, among others. This piece simply did not fit into what I think of in that regard. I do appreciate the time given to the piece and thank you for sharing it, the idea behind it could be a good one if the comedy is sought after within the characters and plot instead of being directed at the reader for reading it, so to speak... hopefully that makes sense.

    All the best,
    TW

  4. #4
    Member Gravehound's Avatar
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    also next time you might want to consider not posting everything in one go, its a lot to read and might scare away some readers

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