Cilice - Page 3


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Thread: Cilice

  1. #21
    Thank you toddm, appreciate the comment.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  2. #22
    [QUOTE=Gumby;1418629]She pulled the worn valise
    from the dark depths
    of her closet.
    Lifting the its latches, she gazed
    at the garments inside.

    Just wondering if "and" can be a useful word to use instead of she
    thereby providing a connected continuity and transition. It just
    sounds better, maybe reading the stanza with the two versions
    would make clearer what I'm trying to say; thus:

    She pulled the worn valise
    from the dark depths
    of her closet.
    Lifting its latches, and gazed
    at the garments inside.

    Maybe it is just me and I know you have your own reasons
    for structuring the stanza they way that you have
    but I will just put out there what might be a viable alternative.
    Of course in the end it is a matter of your preference.
    The following stanza can have its former lines given more
    cohesion with its final verses and vice-versa:
    (Or something similar to what I have done below
    which takes care of past, passed being awkward
    on the tongue as they are spoken out and ridding
    the stanza of "and" which in this case just links the
    succeeding line/s in a series. Thus providing for a
    solid organic unity to the stanza.)


    as her past,As her yesterdays
    passed before her
    and regrets liquid regrets
    coursed the canyons of her cheeks:

    They were beyond repair.

    The colon at the end of the stanza : can be used to provide some ambiguity
    allowing the reader to dwell on the question of who or what is beyond repair?


    The one tiny aspect that niggles at me is the plentiful use of pronouns
    to refer to "the garments;" they, them they, each one, them, they them.
    I wouldn't know how to resolve that and it's probably just me, again,
    being tedious.

    Truth of the matter is that I have thoroughly enjoyed cilice's valise.
    It is a poem that I can take wherever I go, specially now that I am of an age
    where my collection of moments lived have began to overtake the storage
    space in the attic.
    Insert pithy saying here.

  3. #23
    Thank you, arkayye. You've given me some points to ponder, and I appreciate your going through this one and offering your take on it. I'll have to come back to this one ( when real life quits interfering) and give it a re-work. Unfortunately, I have several poems that I need to give this treatment to.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  4. #24
    How many times do I have to implore you to stop poking around in my subconscious for inspiration. lol. I got me a whole set of scuffed luggage buried deep in the recesses of my dark closet. Seriously, Cin, I can relate to this on a level that made me uncomfortable which is why I'm so long in replying. I love it, and think its perfect as is however close to home it hits. "as regrets course the canyons of her cheeks" is sheer brilliance. Excellent effort, Cin. Now kindly get the heck out of my head.

  5. #25
    I'd read the poem many times before, but hadn't understood it. (Yeah, that's how I am most of the time. It usually took me 2 full years at school to finally understand and appreciate a poem, which was too late, considering. That also means I'm giving myself a pat on the back now. )

    But now when I read, I thought "What's there not to understand?" Feeling a bit off-colour as well, maybe that's the reason I connected. Could totally feel the regret. The yearning makes my heart ache.
    Love it.
    "The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn, the bird waits in the egg, and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities." ~ James Allen

    "Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best." ~ Henry Van Dyke

  6. #26
    Okay, okay...I'll try to stay out of your head, Lisa...or...are you in my head?

    Thank you candid petunia, glad you liked it.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  7. #27
    Why are there edits?

    I love the title, and the use of the hair shirt. Those things are terrible.

  8. #28
    ramatheson, glad the title worked for you, it was a chance I took to use it, as I know it isn't a commonly used word.

    Ugh! I can't imagine what wearing a hair shirt must be like. I've worn wool next to the skin before, very uncomfortable.

    As to why there are edits, I cut a bit of the original out, as it wasn't necessary and added nothing to this.

    Thanks for commenting here.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  9. #29
    No need to thank me. I enjoyed the piece. I'd like to see the original as well. I'm one of the weird ones that's not usually for editing. I guess I feel like what people always say when you take a test, "Don't change your answers. Your first instincts are almost always the best ones." It's a personal decision I use for my writing, but of course understand many enjoy the editing process. I was just curious.

  10. #30
    I loved this read... quite crisper and more fluid in its line transitions and interleaving of images and action.
    It is my hope though, as with all other poems crafted and edited, that in doing so it hasn't altered your original intent
    but heightened and accentuated the expression of its original thought and core.
    Insert pithy saying here.

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