My name is Ishmael. It started on a rainy night. Someone pooped in or around the coats. You may begin this story as you would any other. No, I'm quite serious -- take the most stereotypical thing you can think of, and begin with that. This is because the world that we will be telling you tales of begins with stereotype.

Every over rated cliche you can think of finds its way to this world. There is a world far beyond our own already out there that collects all the ideas and creations that the human mind can think of. It's a small world, though it is also very big. A sort of little big planet, if you will.

This world is not that. This world is chock full of every dried out and overused concept the human mind has perpetually gone back to, again and again. All the bad ideas that people can think of, such as sparkling vampires and homoerotic werewolves, are collected here.

You know, of course, of Middle Earth, a place between the core of the world and the crust that we currently live on. This is a completely demented idea, as seriously, people living in the middle of the Earth? What happens when we drill down for oil? Is oil made up of the crushed bones and blood of these lower beings? Probably.

No, this is not a little big planet nor is it a made up fictional world directly below ours. That's ridiculous. This world is on a different plane than ours, in fact directly above our heads. You know in all those video games, when you jump once, then somehow magically jump a second time in mid-air? That plane that they are using for that mystical second jump is where our stories will take place.

We call this world Upper Earth, but all living there call it Yewie. If you're too slow of mind to get that, you probably should not be reading this as it will cause such mental strain and anguish that you will not be seeing one fish, but two. Perhaps you will even see a red fish, or a blue fish.

The existence of this world is in peril. The One Thing that Rules Them All, as is a common theme in almost all fantasy novels, has been found and must consequently be stopped. In order to stop the One Thing, they will have to find The Two Thing. For you see, the Two Thing is aptly named in its literal translation of the nonsense language into "The Other Thing That Counteracts the One Thing That Rules Them All." So we just refer to it as the Two Thing.

More often than not, we will not be following this story, as it is too convoluted and quite frankly, doesn't make sense. You might occasionally get a gem pertaining to this, but for the most part we have chosen to make stuff up instead.

Before we get down to it, it is my sacred duty to inform you of the Rhyme. You know the one. The prophetic Rhyme that tells everyone on the planet what the goal is, but nobody listens until that special snowflake comes along and understands that "Oh my God, when the Rhyme says 'Find the tree with wilting leaves, and there you'll find the answer' it means to find the damn tree with the wilting leaves!" Seriously, how did nobody get this until just now, when this moron bumbled in a stupor into the bar and ...

You know what, I'm getting ahead of myself.

One Thing to Rule Them All
One Fruit That's Rotten
One Pair of Seashell Bras
And a Loom That Was Forgotten

And there you have it. The Rhyme. Remember it! Or don't, I don't really care.

Our first tale that has been sung of by many bards that were subsequently murdered in their sleep for having such a stupid story follows the young knight named Matthew the Rattled. You see, Matthew believed that all furry things are inherently evil, and when seen you should be running away because they're planning to kill us all. You know the old video game law, "If it's cute and fluffy, drop your shit and run."

His philosophy is quite the opposite. We take you to the moments before he discovered this hidden truth, when he was facing off against a majestic Onehornahorse (Hey, every story needs a Unicorn ... but that's just too stereotypical, even for Yewie).

Matthew the Rattled faces this creature on the sun-dappled Fields of Reflection Where All Epiphanies Inevitably Come From (but we'll shorten that down to the Fields of Reflection for story purposes) that lay nestled right in front of the Forest of Foreboding and Creepy Things That the Heroes Accidently Stumble Into and Discover This is Where They Were Supposed to Go All Along (or, the Forest of Foreboding).

Join us, will you, for the next posting of The Chronicles of Yewie: Regarding Matthew the Rattled.