Adventures in Whoreland (not sexual)( Language Warning) - Page 2


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Thread: Adventures in Whoreland (not sexual)( Language Warning)

  1. #11
    Bitches and whores man.
    I loved your story. I felt so bad for her, but I'm glad she had a last minute "morality check"? No complaints, just want to see more. Whores make the world go round?

  2. #12
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    I would love to read more of this, the 30 day diary could be good material for a book! Mostly well written, personally I liked the bit about Macys but maybe that's because I have a bit of a thing about kids being dressed up in clothes that are too old for them. I thought that part was an observational touch that connected to reality & was more amusing because of it.
    Some parts could be improved on, I agree that some of the sentences are a bit rambling, for example:

    'My mind barely processed his growl so I started laughing really loudly and annoying like Julia Roberts in that prostitute movie, because I started to really panic. I cannot go home with this guy! I don’t know where we are going or if he is going to chop me up into little pieces and serve me with fava beans to his neighbors!'

    I like the references to the films but I'd maybe seperate the first sentence into two. I think the second sentence would work better with a bit more emphasis, eg:
    'I can not go home with this guy!'

    Apart from small touches like that I think it's a great read, the kind of thing I would enjoy as entertaining escapism. Laughing makes you live longer!

  3. #13
    New Member JoBu's Avatar
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    I really enjoyed reading! I thought you did an excellent job developing a character I would like to hear more from. I must agree with garnerdavis, I am not as worried about WHY your character decided to become or portray a whore. I do feel that with the proper development, though we could all find out. And it will probably be ironically funny. Total thumbs up.

  4. #14
    Member Jack Strange's Avatar
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    Thank you, I really enjoyed the read. My take away about why a woman would decide to be a whore was that it was satire on how the male mind works? I like the diary structure, the plot and I feel your heroine develops nicely. My only suggestion is to flesh out the men (a return visit from the first one might be nice) to create more resistance and conflict for your protagonist. You could do this by making the men even more narcissistic (If you go that direction, I would really ramp it) or by making them more human and a emotionally intelligent. With strong antagonists I feel you have a great piece here. Looking forward to the next episodes.

  5. #15
    Well written and enjoyable to read. I would have liked some background of the characters previous sexual experience. This might help explain her actions which are a little confusing at times. If she were a virgin who was sick of waiting or she had just came out of a long term relationship and was making up for lost time I would have sympathy for the character and want her to succeed.

  6. #16
    this was good writing but I am...male. I don't see the purpose in pleasing these readers who want to know WHY she HAS to become a whore, if they can't just accept THAT, they shouldn't be reading anything!

  7. #17
    Member Scarlett_156's Avatar
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    I'm guessing you have never prostituted and have never been close to an actual prostitute. (If I'm wrong about that, please accept my apology.) I don't want to say anything mean here, so, uh... the writing is not bad.

    I am also guessing that by "whore" you mean "a sexually profligate, mercenary female who picks up guys at bars" and not an actual prostitute. In reading over the whole thing a couple of times, it almost seems that you are angry at someone you see as a "whore" (the straw-woman Suzie/Susie?) and this is sort of like your revenge; like you're saying you know women who are "whores" and you actually despise and maybe even pity them, but you'll pretend to extol one thing about them, i.e., their detachment from the romantic concerns of normal women, so that you can demonstrate that you're not really cut out for this "whore" thing. You've got the look, you've got the skills, you can cop the attitude, but when push comes to shove, you're a nice girl. You're probably just working off some jerk's stinging rejection by teaching yourself to be calculating and cold, n'est-ce pas? (I'm talking about the "you" in the piece, not the real "you" here.)

    Most real prostitutes have pretty crappy lives, and to add to it, straight girls will look down on them and disparage them as whores in one breath but praise themselves as "whores" in the next breath when they're doing something bad, irresponsible, and daring (in uncomfortable shoes). But I mean, you can't take that word out because it's the whole basis of your story, and.... ok, well, that's all I'm gonna say. Because if you say "slut" instead (which is a more correct term) then you lose the overlay of money-grubbing.

    All right, really done now.
    Will you ever write a story for which no character will have cause to reproach you? (Stephen R. Donaldson: "The Creator" to Thomas Covenant)

  8. #18
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    Wonderful! Just loved it! Excellent writing! Subtle humor here and there keeps it light and fun.
    I was thoroughly engrossed, love your narrative style, and will go now and find other pieces you've written.

    To those who question why the character wants to be a whore, reread the beginning. It's there. And it's meant to be funny!

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