"Half-breed" Third Chapter, Incomplete.


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Thread: "Half-breed" Third Chapter, Incomplete.

  1. #1
    Member christianncg's Avatar
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    Unhappy "Half-breed" Third Chapter, Incomplete.

    " A bright, lively smile spread itself upon Angelus's face for a moment, before the weight of his conscious returned. Most of the people he cared about ended up dead from opening his heart up, and in everything that happened, he had forgotten just how dangerous and unpleasant his emotions had made him in the past. Reluctantly, he swallowed his feelings and tried not to throw them up again.

    “I should probably get going.” he said in his usual cold tone, hoping that Jasmine's emotional integrity was strong enough not to fall through again. He had reached his limit on emotions for a good while, and wasn't ready to deal with more of them.

    “See you at lunch, Angelus” She said, still putting up the same cheeky smile she had on before. Angelus could see that apart of her was about to fall apart from his previous response, and that she was desperately trying to hide it. Even though he didn't want to admit it, he felt unsure of what to do with her.

    “I.. look forward to it” A grin managed to sneak its way onto his mouth, which happened more by impulse than feeling. Thankfully, she interpreted it as a feeling, and happily skipped along to her class, whistling out of tune along the way.

    A sense of emptiness followed shortly after her departure. The happy feeling that overtook Angelus moments ago still lingered around his heart though, like the smoke left behind after a nifty fireworks display. He was heading to Algebra, another class which Raven and him shared. Despite trying to ignore it, the feelings that he had previously buried kept popping back up in his mind, telling him to go back to her and show her how he felt. It was like a infectious disease, spreading and growing throughout his mind, and clouding his judgment... he didn't want to think about it, So he dug through his pockets trying to find his headphones.

    A terrible scream echoed from the hallways that could be heard from miles, causing a chill to run down Angelus's spine. He dropped his headphones, and sprang forward from his right foot towards the noise. More screams followed soon afterward, piercing Angelus's ears and eating away at his serenity bit by bit. After maneuvering through the hallways, he narrowed the origin of the screams to his next class. Without hesitation, he rammed the door through with his shoulder. The image that he saw next hit him like a brick wall, bringing up horrid thoughts of what he did in his childhood years.

    The Algebra teacher's lifeless body laid on the floor, with his blood painted all over the wall behind him. What was left of the class was still, with the exception of one of the bodies twitching from muscle spasms. Mutilated bodies layed everywhere, and Angelus couldn't get over the strangest feeling of deja vu. He stood over one of the bodies and examined it closely, taking an emotional punch to the stomach after he realized just what did all of this.

    - A half breed.... Another half breed walking around campus and i didn't even know it...- he thought to himself, still scanning for anyone that might still be alive. He remembered that raven sat next to him, and looked to his left almost instantaneously. Sitting in the corner of the floor was a shaking, helpless, blood drenched Raven, sobbing quietly to herself within her own arms. Angelus walked slowly towards her, being careful not to frighten her. He sure as hell didn't want to frighten her in the state that she was in.

    She heard his footsteps drawing near, and looked up at him with tortured eyes. “They all just exploded... died..." She said, quickly returning to the comfort of her blood-stained arms. He was fairly certain she did all of this, and even if she didn't know it yet they had a lot in common with each other.
    `
    He had thought through his words for a moment before kneeling down to her level and speaking. “ Nothing's wrong with you.. Just... try to relax, and remain calm.” he said with an unusualy comforting tone, the words themselves feeling foreign coming out of his mouth.
    "


    Third chapter, fragmented until i get more ideas what to do next :\ Grammar is probably crap, but wanna know if this story is worth investing into anymore, or if i should start out with something smaller. Comments and Critiques always welcome
    Last edited by christianncg; January 15th, 2011 at 03:33 AM.

  2. #2
    Lol, don't give up on it. If you give up on a story the moment you become disenchanted with it then you'll never finish anything. Personally, I'd say re-write a substantial part of chapter three (this is where your writer's block has come from it seems). If after that you still can't get yourself back into it then you should brainstorm about all of the possible backstory and plot somewhere. If the backstory and plot no longer interests you then perhaps it would be time to try writing about a new world, and you could always come back to this one later on.

    Anywayyy, my critiques of chapter three:

    I'm not sure about the first paragraph. You seem to have suddenly implied an urge to kill Jasmine? lol. It just seems really out of character for him and threw me out of the story a bit.
    A terrible scream echoed from the hallways that could be heard from miles, an unusual event for his school. More screams followed soon afterward, piercing Angelus's ears. He walked with a moderately fast pace, trying to find the source Although he wasn't too concerned with it at the time, He narrowed the origin of the screams to his next class, opening the door as he always would.
    This part is pretty odd. 'He walked with a moderately fast pace'? There's just been a 'terrible scream' followed by more screams and he walks 'moderately fast'. Perhaps he, 'walks forward anxiously'? Then there's 'He wasn't too concerned with it at the time'. What? There's screams and he has supposedly sped up slightly, but he is not concerned? Oh and my favourite, 'an unusual event for his school'. What school's are you thinking of when drawing significance to his school usually having a suspicious lack of terrible, blood-curdling screams? ? I should probably also point out the last bit, 'opening the door as he always would'. What about, 'he shakily pulled on the handle and opened the door'? Basically, my point is that the tension building should start here, and while some of this paragrpah is great, there are then other parts that completely diffuse it.

    Criticism aside (hope it didn't come across as harsh?) an idea for one way that you could continue:

    Raven is standing in the midst of it all in horror. She has blood on her. Whether she actually is responsible or not is up to you.

    If you still plan to continue this story by tommorrow, and if you still need ideas, then I'll do my best to help.

  3. #3
    Member christianncg's Avatar
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    no it didn't. i think i was trying to depict angelus as fearless, when in fact it would be more plausible if he wasnt. that's why he walked rather than ran, and thats why i stopped suddenly and hit writers block, i think. i will go over it and post back soon.

  4. #4
    Member christianncg's Avatar
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    Fixed, now on to the figure...

  5. #5
    Member Kathryn Cull's Avatar
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    WOW. I like.
    I mean, I like the concept! Definitely keep writing! and when you publish and it gets really famous, tell people I know you.
    I like it alot.
    Hahaha!
    yeah, I mean the writing nearing the end only is a little but off...But other than that I'd just keep writing and critique yourself later!
    -Kathryn C-

  6. #6
    Member christianncg's Avatar
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    im writing as we speak. the end will be changed as well haha

  7. #7
    Ah, that's much better. Your problem reminded me of an old story I did ages ago with these weird spirit like creature's that were at the centre of my story and yet had no emotions whatsoever and so I couldn't write anything for them lol. Glad that the writer's block is removed and you can continue writing Looking forward to learning who the knife is being held by.

  8. #8
    Member christianncg's Avatar
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    i might be changing that.. or at least rewording. ill post back when im done.

  9. #9
    Member christianncg's Avatar
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    Updated the story a tid bit.

  10. #10
    Amazing story i wish i could write that good. *sighs* Your grammar is really good compared to mine. Plus the fact my tab key is all whacked out. Haha but to sum it all up your story has major potentional. I'll look for it in book stores When you are finished I recommend emailing it to a publisher.
    Last edited by writerchk; January 15th, 2011 at 02:57 AM. Reason: I have horrible grammar

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