"Half-breed" Third Chapter, Incomplete. - Page 2

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Thread: "Half-breed" Third Chapter, Incomplete.

  1. #11
    Member christianncg's Avatar
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    Thank you yeah, i take it you read all the other chapters? yeah, i just started believe it or not. this is my first piece of writing hopefully it turns out good, ya know?

  2. #12
    Member sora.likes.cake's Avatar
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    Ooooh, I'm loving this story so far.
    Unfortunately I am not literate enough to be able to properly critique you on grammar and sentence structure and all that shizz, but I can still say 'HEY!! I love it!!'
    But because I'm a good person and I would like to consider this as 'helping you out' or whatever, I'd just say: Slow down a little bit.
    The first chapter was fairly good, but the whole story has a fairly rushed feel so far. It's completely moved on without the reader getting a sense of atmosphere.
    I dunno, that's just my feel. :/
    Still, I can't wait to read more!!

  3. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by christianncg View Post
    A bright, lively smile spread itself upon Angelus's face for a moment, before the weight of his conscious returned. Most of the people he cared about ended up dead from opening his heart up, and in everything that happened, he had forgotten just how dangerous and unpleasant his emotions had made him in the past. Reluctantly, he swallowed his feelings and tried not to throw them up again.

    “I should probably get going.” he said in his usual cold tone, hoping that Jasmine's emotional integrity was strong enough not to fall through again. He had reached his limit on emotions for a good while, and wasn't ready to deal with more of them.

    “See you at lunch, Angelus” She said, still putting up the same cheeky smile she had on before. Angelus could see that apart of her was about to fall apart from his previous response, and that she was desperately trying to hide it. Even though he didn't want to admit it, he felt unsure of what to do with her.

    “I.. look forward to it” A grin managed to sneak its way onto his mouth, which happened more by impulse than feeling. Thankfully, she interpreted it as a feeling, and happily skipped along to her class, whistling out of tune along the way.

    A sense of emptiness followed shortly after her departure. The happy feeling that overtook Angelus moments ago still lingered around his heart though, like the smoke left behind after a nifty fireworks display. He was heading to Algebra, another class which Raven and him shared. Despite trying to ignore it, the feelings that he had previously buried kept popping back up in his mind, telling him to go back to her and show her how he felt. It was like a infectious disease, spreading and growing throughout his mind, and clouding his judgment... he didn't want to think about it, So he dug through his pockets trying to find his headphones.

    A terrible scream echoed from the hallways that could be heard from miles, causing a chill to run down Angelus's spine. He dropped his headphones, and sprang forward from his right foot towards the noise. More screams followed soon afterward, piercing Angelus's ears and eating away at his serenity bit by bit. After maneuvering through the hallways, he narrowed the origin of the screams to his next class. Without hesitation, he rammed the door through with his shoulder. The image that he saw next hit him like a brick wall, bringing up horrid thoughts of what he did in his childhood years.

    The Algebra teacher's lifeless body laid on the floor, with his blood painted all over the wall behind him. What was left of the class was still, with the exception of one of the(a) bodies twitching from muscle spasms. Mutilated bodies layed everywhere, and Angelus couldn't get over the strangest feeling of deja vu. He stood over one of the bodies and examined it closely, taking an emotional punch to the stomach after he realized just what did all of this.

    - A half breed.... Another half breed walking around campus and i didn't even know it...- he thought to himself, still scanning for anyone that might still be alive. He remembered that raven sat next to him, and looked to his left almost instantaneously. Sitting in the corner of the floor was a shaking, helpless, blood drenched Raven, sobbing quietly to herself within her own arms. Angelus walked slowly towards her, being careful not to frighten her. He sure as hell didn't want to frighten her in the state that she was in.

    She heard his footsteps drawing near, and looked up at him with tortured eyes. “They all just exploded... died..." She said, quickly returning to the comfort of her blood-stained arms. He was fairly certain she did all of this, and even if she didn't know it yet they had a lot in common with each other.
    `
    He had thought through his words for a moment before kneeling down to her level and speaking. “ Nothing's wrong with you.. Just... try to relax, and remain calm.” he said with an unusualy comforting tone, the words themselves feeling foreign coming out of his mouth.

    1. Grammar/Wording: Grammar wise everything is good that I see. Few missing comma's, normal for everyone. Everything read fine, in red are parts you should re-read.
      Voice/Style: I am afraid this part worries me for your voice. It seems like to me seeing how everything is based around your MC that this story would be third-person limited past-tense. However, at times you break into omniscient. I highlighted in blue where you did so. Which doesn't match the theme of your story being based around your MC halfing guy. I don't remember your first chapter enough to know if this was in fact limited and you broke your voice here.
      Style wise: I think this is important. You write is in a Teen sense, or Young Adult. Your wording is very simple, and because of this, it makes it easy to follow with your analogies and character thought. However, you need to make sure to illustrate this point because anyone who reads more mature works, will find your style too childish. So make sure to point out, you write for young adults, and young adults only. There's nothing wrong with this. Think Harry Potter style. (If you read more threads on this forum, you'll note most members here destroy J.K Rowling and insult her works. Why? Mentioned above, the writing style is childish to them.)
      Flow/Structure: Your flow and structure was good, nothing I saw was a problem. Slight problem with telling too much, but it could be just a part of your style.
      Story Itself: I didn't follow your stories, I just read this one. I remember skimming your first chapter to see what the basics of it was about. It seemed interesting, I remember it being about a half ling high school student who slipped into another realm of hell, or something of the likes, and was dealing with high school life in our known world. This still seems to tie into that theme. It's going good, perhaps the next Harry Potter. But keep in mind, you are challenging your audiences. (What do you mean? You write for Young Adults. You just described a slaughter scene in this ending and you seem to have a lot of dark things in your story.) Don't go overboard. Also I believe your story mainly would be popular among guys then girls. Make sure to make your leading female (the new half-ling) is a very deep and emotional character as well. (A note: You might have to re-write these based upon what voice you want to actually have.)
      Your plot seems interesting, just don't make it a basic hero vs villain story. This will never fly in our current time.
      (Note: This critique is my own, and not a reflection of a community.)

  4. #14
    Member christianncg's Avatar
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    yeah, my grammar most of the time doesn't bother me all to much. As far as writing for young adults, i myself am one as well. 16 to be exact. so its nice to be considered a young adult and ill point that out in further posts. it wont be the hero vs villain thing, that much i know. and as for the gore scenes, this book was more along the lines of trying to explain what goes on in my head, as well as the daydreams that i go through. its why the vocabulary is so simple, and the story seems to be a tad bit rushed, in that sense. The tense will be fixed, now that i know what writing style i was going for. ( like i said, i just write it down. i barely know anything about writing) Ill run through it and correct as i see fit. Thanks for your input

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