H.E.A.E.I.B. Chapter 6: The war in the field, the battle underground


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Thread: H.E.A.E.I.B. Chapter 6: The war in the field, the battle underground

  1. #1
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    H.E.A.E.I.B. Chapter 6 (Rough Draft)

    Chapter 6 : The war in the field, the battle underground.

    Luke stops at the end of the hallway that lead him into a underground base. Before him was a dim lit hallway and he cautiously enters it and examines the walls and the
    ceiling for any traps. Instead, he sees that the walls were made out of bricks.
    "Wow. These demons must be good at building walls and such."Luke though to himself.
    When he finally reached the end of the hallway, a gray stairway was in front of him that
    leads downwards even more.
    while Luke was inside, the demon-planes appear in the sky. The blue transport planes that
    dropped off Luke were still in the air.
    Captain A gets a call and picks it up.
    "Hello , this is captain A speaking! ...You sure it's the enemy? Okay hold them off as
    much as possible! I'll call for more reinforcements!"Captain A said and gets off the phone.

    In the air: The blue transport plane starts to take out laser machine guns. The
    demon-planes began to drop out demons in the sky, and also starts to take out machine
    guns. The blue transport planes were handicapped three to five. They began to attack before
    the demon-planes to got a chance to strike first. The demons meanwhile sprouted wings from their arms and circled around the park until they landed. The people who were watching this screamed out of fear and ran from them.
    Captain A is on the phone again.

    Inside Luke's house, Aaron picks up the phone.
    "Hello, this is Luke's butler how may i help you?" Aaron asks.
    "Aaron hurry get to the underground base and send five more transports because we are in need of reinforcements! Oh, and make sure they're guarded with some fighter planes." captain A orders over the phone.
    "Roger that sir!" Aaron replies and goes off the phone. He rushes to Luke's closet,
    closes it, presses a button on the wall and down he goes.

    Back in the air, The blue transports and demon-planes are engaged in a heavy battle with bullets and lasers flying in every direction. One blue transport plane shoots down a
    demon-plane. Suddenly the other four demon-planes send out demons that look like
    jet fighters but they were alive. The demon-fighters began to shoot down the blue
    transports with some liquid ooze that they spat out from their mouth area. The liquid ooze hits one of the Blue transports wings and it starts to melt. It loose balance and begins to spin and crashes into the nearby blue plane whom was busy trying to get away from the demon-fighters. Both exploded on contact.
    "This is transports #px01 and #px02! We crashed into each other and are in a ball of flames.Requesting help on crash site!"The pilots said through the s.o.s signals. Both the captains can hear their s.o.s. signals over the radios. Then the buzz and the radios goes off. They hear the sounds of the blue transports crashing to the ground and bursting into fire. The landscape around the crash site turned into fire. The demons that landed in that area screamed and howled in pain as they burned to death. The third plane had the same fate as the other two.
    "God damn it! Our way to escape is gone!"Captain B shouted.
    "Stay calm, we have to defend the entrance to the bunker until our master returns! We did suffer a heavy casualty just now but so did they!"
    "So, what do we do now that the demons are on the way!"Captain A asked as he heard the demons howling and tromping closer and closer to them.
    "Robots and machines get ready to-" captain A gets interrupted when the first bullet hits a robot and the robot dies.
    "Attack!" captain B shouts.
    All the robots and killer machines begin to fire at the demon-soldiers. The demon-soldiers keep on coming and coming from the air. Nothing was stopping them. The killer machines have charged in at the demons who were on the ground already and sprayed them with lasers until their fingers were the only thing remaining out of them. The demons reached the nearest robots and killer machines. They were firing everything they had but the demons use their tremendous strenght and weapons to kill them.
    Some robots ran into the hallway that leads down to get some protection from the bullets. Both captains fire lasers. One demon grabs a laser machine gun from one of the fallen killer machine and sprays Captain B with lasers. He dodges most of them until a fatal shot to his head killed him. Captain A screams "NO!" and tries to grab captain B but gets shot in the ribs area.
    He faints cause of the pain that was programmed into him when he would be shot he. The battle becomes a robot massacre that made smoke rise up into the air again and bullets roamed everywhere. Less and less lasers was being fired as the remaining robots and killer machines felt like hope was lost for them.

    In the bunker, Luke finally reached the last step and enters a dark room lit with only four
    lamps that were sticking out from the wall. A creepy laughter surrounds the room.
    "Marik show yourself!" Luke shouts.
    Marik comes out from the shadows with the millennium chain still in his hand.
    "Give me my chain back!" Luke orders.
    Marik observes the chain and says "I don't see your name on it so it isn't yours."
    Luke charges at Marik, punching him in the face, sending Marik flying a few feet. He lands near a metal pipe, grabs it and stands back up.
    Luke charges at Marik again. Not noticing that Marik has a weapon, Luke tries to punch him again but Marik evades and hits Luke with the pipe. Luke collapses to the ground and tries to shake the pain off. He stands up again but Marik launches another attack with the metal pipe. With no time to block, Luke tries to dodge it, but the pipe was too long.Marik hits Luke right on the side of his face. Again Luke collapses to the floor and starts to bleed from his mouth. Marik laughs again. Luke wipes the blood off his lips and stands back up again.
    "So, you want more don't you, you stupid bastard!" Marik said angrily.
    He slams the pipe at Luke twice and Luke falls to the ground once again. Marik continued to hit Luke with that pipe against Luke's head while laughing evilly.
    Luke starts to loose conciousnes.
    "My ...chain"He says before he goes unconscious.
    Marik stops, rolls Luke over onto his back and gets in his face.
    "So, you thought that you can beat me huh punk! Well guess what punk, i still have the chain!" Marik said and laughs happily.
    Suddenly he stops laughing and starts to feel a burning pain in one of his arms. He looks down to see what burned him. He screams out of pain and lets the chain go.
    The chain falls to the ground next to Luke. Marik, grabs his burned hand and stares at the chain.
    Last edited by guilt; October 24th, 2011 at 02:33 PM.

  2. #2
    You're posting still way too script like. This is a story, not a script, you need to define the difference when you are writing this. Why are you posting like this? This format is for poems, not for a story. Post paragraphs.

    “The war in the field, the battle underground.” This is chapter six, this should be obvious by now. If it isn't then theirs a problem, once again, your not telling a story.

    “Luke stops at the end of the hallway that lead him underground.”

    I am going to re-write to show you a example. From this sentence I have established you are talking in third person (From a outside narration perspective.) and you are talking in present tense. (present: Luke is walking, Past: Luke was walking)

    Quote Originally Posted by guilt View Post
    Chapter 6 : The war in the field, the battle underground.
    Luke stops at the end of the hallway that lead him underground. Before him is a dim lit
    hallway and he cautiously enters, turning around in circles looking at the walls and the
    ceiling.

    When he finally reaches the end of the hallway, a gray stairway was in front of him
    leading downwards even more.

    Meanwhile: The demon-planes appear in the sky. The blue transport planes that
    dropped off Luke were still in the air.
    Before him, is a dimly lit hallway. “Next sentence go into description on what sees here while entering the actions of turning in circles looking at the walls and ceiling”

    At the end of a tunnel, Luke sees a stairway that leads downwards. Onwards he treads, “description again”

    (No meanwhile)While Luke is exploring this underground “whatever,” The demon-planes, “description” why are you going into this? There should be a MC attachment to the “air battle” going on or have relevance to the story.
    Last edited by Johnathanrs; January 11th, 2011 at 03:13 PM.

  3. #3
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    Yeah, i just noticed the spaces between the lines. So i've changed it and fixed up the chapter a bit.

  4. #4
    Member christianncg's Avatar
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    Although the story itself has a good potential, i cant seem to shake off how its written... the present and past tense thing really messes me up and hinders me from getting into it further. take @Johnathanrs advice, and think about how to properly write in third person. then ill post a more in depth critique.

  5. #5
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    Re-edited a bit even more. Got rid of some mistakes and replaced them. It should be at present tense now.

  6. #6
    Member christianncg's Avatar
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    Good, but arent most 3rd person stories in the past tense? correct me if i'm wrong here, as i'm fairly new to writing.

  7. #7
    Again Luke collapses to the floor and starts to bleed from his mouth. Marik laughs again. Luke wipes the blood off his lips and stands back up again.
    Three sentences in a row had 'again' there.

    Some reach the nearest robots and killer machines and kill them.
    Before him was a dim lit hallway and he cautiously enters it and examines the walls and the
    ceiling for any traps.
    Both have one more 'and' than is needed. Try and make the sentences shorter or find an alternitve to 'and'.

    Ok, so minor things out of the way, I'll move onto the main problem. The battle you describe is huge. So much is going on here, but you seem to be in a rush to move onwards. Eg.
    Back in the air, The blue transports and demon-planes are engaged in a heavy battle with bullets and laser flying in every direction. One blue transport plane shoots down a
    demon-plane. Suddenly the other three demon-planes send out demons that look like
    jet fighters but they were alive. The demon-fighters begin to shoot down the blue
    transports. Both the captains can hear their s.o.s. signals over the radios. Then the buzz and
    the radios goes off. They hear the sounds of the blue transports crashing to the
    ground and bursting into fire.
    So much information there, yet so little detail. Try to expand on it. Tell us of the horror as the daemons are sent out. Tel us what some of the s.o.s signals are. Tell us of the shock of the captains as their transports are shot down.
    It's a good plotline, but you just need to present it better.

  8. #8
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    well, i do rush through the chapters. I had lot's of ideas flowing out that i couldn't stop.I dunno if cause i'm also a begginner at writing. So i added some more details during the Air and ground battle.

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