Song to the Siren (based on a song - hope this doesn't break the rules)


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  1. #1

    Song to the Siren (based on a song - hope this doesn't break the rules)

    Song to the Siren


    (based VERY loosely on song to the siren by Tim Buckley)


    A faint call, soft as a whisper, awoke Fruscian from another troubled slumber. He resigned himself to another laborious day. A sigh escaped his lips and he reached for his damp cloth with eyes still shut. He felt no hint of the fibres. There was only the rough and splintering wood of the cabin floor. Fighting down a sigh, Fruscian gingerly opened his eyes at last.




    His vision was greeted by darkness initially. He sat up and allowed his eyes to adjust. He began to survey the room. The tossing and turning forms of his colleagues were nowhere to be seen. The furniture and scattered items were gone. He looked down and saw he still had his own night clothes and bedspread.




    The voice that woke him before spoke again and this time he could distinctly hear his own name being whispered. He knew the voice as he had known the speaker. A pale light began to shine through the door’s perimeter. The light intensified and began to bathe the room in white.




    He thought this must be a dream; only that could explain these supernatural manifestations. Becoming unsure of himself, he reasoned that this place may have substance. Gravity and the earth held him at a single point in space and his body was alive with sensation. He decided that the only way to come to any valid conclusion was to find out what lay waiting. Feeling like a new born babe, puzzled by what lay before him, the soldier stood up and took his first step. He walked to the narrow door with the air of a boy guided by his curiosity but slowed by his fear of the consequences.




    When it was open, the light stopped and was replaced by a greater spectacle. Above him, orange clouds lay dreaming in an enchanted slumber against a backdrop of deep pink run through with streaks of gold. Fruscian took another step and stopped at the sound of his foot meeting creaking wood. He stood upon the deck of a ship. A single mast supported a canvas that waltzed to an immaterial wind. The surrounding sea was a glistening blue. Sky and ocean embraced each other at the horizon. Only the sun interrupted its contour.





    Astonishment was dashed away by inquisitiveness as he spotted a black speck emerging from the sinking sun. Its image grew steadily as the ship thundered on towards it. The voice kissed his ears again and then he knew the place of its origin. Its speaker began to sing. The melody could only be matched by the elegance Fruscian knew its singer possessed. “Here I am, Sail to me. “





    He ran to the head of the ship as an agonising desire burned throughout his body. He could do nothing but clench the rail with shaking hands and sang out to her in answer. “My foolish boat is slowed. It waits to solve the riddles the tides have set it before passing between them. It knows not that it must sprout wings and learn to fly. Only then will it be a wonder fit to greet you.”





    The point grew to display a flattened rock with a woman standing in the centre. She wore a dress of scarlet that trailed into a spiral around her. It slowly pulsated as though it were alive. Her hair was shades of amber and her pale skin a sheet of silk. The ship slowed until it stopped and touched the rock lightly. The crusader could see the colour of her eyes. They seemed to glow like heated emeralds and were just as fascinating in their geometry. For a moment they locked eyes. Suddenly, her expression took on a look of regret. A single tear flowed from her eye and fell upon her dress. Another came from its sister and left a streak of blood.




    She opened her rosebud mouth and howled a guttural din. Around them, the sky and ocean began to lash at one another with terrible spite. Two titans speared each other with columns of air and water, giving birth to ravaging cyclones. The ship was pierced from beneath by thin shears of rock that sliced all the way up to the deck. Fruscian was flung from the vessel into a sea stained with the ruby blood of the sky. He clung to a piece of floating wood in a desperate bid to survive the war of nature. Fearfully, he looked at the figure upon the rock. All desire had left him.





    The lovely features had turned to rotting flesh. Her mouth twisted in hatred and dribbled a foul acid. Her eyes were two black and decaying planets. The dress outlined a portal to a netherworld. Depicted were screaming and contorting forms, nightmarish in their malformed construction. They writhed and squirmed beneath chains unseen and sobbed pitifully for mercy from an agony unknown. “Touch me not, sailor.” She screeched in a harpy’s song. “For you have made me as I am. A widow for loneliness and fetid self-loathing you see before you. “





    The wounded man worked up the strength to utter a call. “Cherished gifts have been kicked aside and left to disintegrate at nature’s fickle leisure. A dream this most certainly is. Only in a dream could I have beheld something as wonderful again. Yet, a terrible dream it is, for it contains all the bitter ugliness of reality. I sailed to you from the shores of the past. Those currents I know well and have sailed with too much ease, guided by a foolish longing. But I won’t lie stranded and surrounded by these breakers again tonight. I cannot live and let death be my bride. This fair rock has been weathered and worn down with time. I must leave it and construct a ship anew. My odyssey will continue and you shall be a chapter, but you will not be its conclusion. You, who drew me to your isle, will sing your melody to new conquests. I will journey to the fair creatures of other waters.”




    She looked on as Fruscian began swimming east but did nothing to stop him. His image became ever smaller and night became ever darker. The wounds of sky and ocean slowly healed and harmony was restored. When the next day dawned and she could see the east, the soldier had gone from view. She knew he must have met a new sun as it was rising. After some time, her star fell from the sky and met her in the west.

  2. #2
    Member christianncg's Avatar
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    I don't know much about that song, but the writing caught my interest with a relatively good structure. the only thing i can see is that you might wanna incorporate some variations in sentence structure. Like in the second paragraph, there seemed to be a lot of short, unnecessary sentences.

    His vision was greeted by darkness initially. He sat up and allowed his eyes to adjust. He began to survey the room. The tossing and turning forms of his colleagues were nowhere to be seen. The furniture and scattered items were gone. He looked down and saw he still had his own night clothes and bedspread.
    With varying sentence structure...


    His vision was greeted by darkness initially. He sat up and allowed his eyes to adjust as he made an attempt to survey the room. He noticed the tossing and turning forms of his colleagues were nowhere to be seen, and the furniture and scattered items were gone. He looked down to make sure he still had his own night clothes and bedspread, which he did thankfully.
    Just a suggestion. other then that, good work

  3. #3
    Thanks for the comment.

    Looking over the story again, I can see where you're coming from. I think if I were to read a passage written similarily as the one you quoted, it would really annoy me.
    Thanks for the input!

  4. #4
    Member christianncg's Avatar
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    No problemo. Looking forward to see more work from you.

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