New Author


Results 1 to 2 of 2

Thread: New Author

  1. #1

    New Author

    I've always loved writing and I used to Write tons when i was in school, but other than poetry, I haven't written in ages. I just finished the prologue of a book i'm working on and i'd love some advice. Thanks in advance if you take the time to read it, it's not so long.


    Prologue
    Silent Thief
    “They’ve sent another 500 men to the island sir, and our informants say that another thousand more are being readied for departure,” said King Rolland’s lead war advisor. He was a man of average height, with jetblack hair falling a foot past his shoulders. “I don’t understand why they’re not sending more. We have 2,500 of our own men stationed throughout and around the fortress with another 1,500 in route.”

    “They can’t expect to overwhelm fort Vaxxus with so few. It’s the newest and strongest of our forts, its keep sits nearly 200 feet above the ground. Our archers will have them on their backs before they reach the walls.” while he spoke the king moved to the southern window of the throne room. The King was a burly man, but not too overweight. He had black, shoulder length hair that swept in the wind as a breeze came through the window. A goatee adorned his prominent chin. “They must be trying to bring our troops from the mainland, even after we agreed to keep the fighting on the island. We must prepare for open war, even if it’s a false alarm, we cannot risk not being prepared for a large scale conflict.”

    A smaller built man walked over to the Kings side and put a hand on his shoulder. “Father, King Peter wouldn’t have agreed to keep this fight on the island if he planned to invade the mainland. Since his father died he’s done nothing but try to restore relations between our two countries, aside from trying take to Vaxxus of course.” The prince looked nothing like his father with a clean cut face and short brown hair, a small forehead was the only feature the men shared. “Send a messenger to Lillus and Fort Lionel and tell them to prepare for war, but don’t include any of the local militia. Our people are finally beginning to sleep without fear of barbarians invading their home in the night, why should we scare them further?”

    A grin crept across King Rolland’s face as he turned to the Prince, the King replied, “Rekai, as always you have proven wiser than your age.” The King turned to his advisor, “Arrin, do you agree with my son?”

    The advisor joined the other men at the window, “Yes I do my liege. We shouldn’t prematurely cause fear for the people of North Cyen.”

    King Rolland resumed staring out the window, “Very well, alert Fort Lionel and Lillus to prepare for war. Make sure the men know to keep quiet. You are dismissed.”

    “Yes sir.” With a bow Arrin left the chamber.

    “I still believe things aren’t as they seem. I don’t think we can withstand an attack from both the South and the barbarians. If King Peter doesn’t hold true to his word and those barbarians continue their hunt for blood, it may be the end of our nation,” the King turned on his heel and strode to the door, as he opened the door he turned to face his son, hope in his eyes, “I hope your right Rekai, I hope your right”.

    As the King walked out of the throne room, Rekai wandered to his father’s throne and sat. He looked up at the vaulted ceiling some twenty feet above. Ten stone pillars aligned on both sides of a teal rug that attached the throne to the adjacent door. The Cyen emblem of a bear standing on two legs roaring at the sky with a spear and shield on the ground before him was depicted on tapestries hanging from each pillar. Above the throne were eleven names stitched in a dark blue rug representing the 11 kings preceding King Ralland II.

    Prince Rekai shook his head and rose from his father’s chair, exiting the room. As he walked down the maze of corridors that lead from the throne to his bedroom, he started humming a song from his childhood.

    In the land of Beach and Bear,
    The Kings of us rule true,
    In the land of this our home,
    We live and make our due.
    Of all the people of this land,
    We are sure the best,
    From swamps to plains to beach to sand,
    We are sure the best.

    The sun sat on the horizon as Prince Rekai entered his bedroom. “Ah, I’ve missed you today, My Prince!” A tall blonde women rose from the bed as he entered the room. Her high cheekbones and slender frame accented her beautiful pale complexion. “Won’t you come to bed now? I haven’t held you all day and I’m not sure if I can make it much longer,” A smile crept across her face. “Or must I wait even longer to have the Prince of Cyen all to myself”?

    “Uilkana, you know I want nothing more but I have business to attend to tonight. Father makes ready for war with the South and I must render battle plans to ensure this doesn’t lead to our undoing.” as he closed the gap between them he gently caressed her face and smiled. “Your beauty is beyond compare, you know.”

    She pulled away and re-traced her steps to the four poster bed. The tail of her white gown swept across the floor. “Don’t think that flattery will get you out of not spending time with me.”

    “I want nothing more than to lie beside you for a lifetime, but I have important responsibilities, you knew that before I asked for your hand.” he paced to the bedside and kissed her on the forehead. “Don’t guilt me, you know how much I hate it when you do that.”

    “Alright, see to your work then, but tomorrow I wish to spend the day with you and there’s nothing you or even your father can do about it.” Her smile widened as she took her place on the bed, rolled over, and covered herself in a woolen blanket. “Good night, my Prince”.

    “Good night my love,” with another kiss on her cheek he rose to his full stature and walked across the room to the door of his private chamber. He closed the door behind him as he entered. The chamber was rectangular shaped with a small window above a large oak desk. The desk was littered with maps of different places all throughout North and South Cyen. On either side of the windows were paintings of the emblem depicted on the tapestries in the Throne Room. The other walls were decorated with portraits of his new fiancé Uilkana.

    He concentrated for hours drawing out troop movements, arranging battalion formations, and mapping out safe routes for supply trains. The Prince knew this could easily be handled by one of his father’s handful of advisors, but he insisted on doing it himself. A long yawn interrupted his work. He looked out the window to judge the time by the stars and realized it was nearly 4 hours until sunrise. Dismayed at his loss of time, he organized the papers he had worked on overnight, and returned to his bed chamber.

    Tip toeing across the room so to not wake Uilkana, he pulled the curtain on his side of the bed and found the bed vacant. Assuming Uilkana was in the wash room he walked to the opposite side of the chamber and knocked on the door. After a few moments of no reply he opened the door. The room was empty. He ran to the chamber door and pulled it open. When he entered the hallway panic crawled through his body. Four guards lay at the end of the chamber in a pool of blood.
    Last edited by Aerokes; January 8th, 2011 at 03:13 PM.

  2. #2
    It's a very interesting read indeed. I've made some adjustments that you may take into account.

    “They’ve sent another 500 men to the island sir, and our informants say that another thousand more are being readied for departure,” said King Rolland’s lead war advisor. He was a man of middle averageheight, with jetblack hair falling a foot past his shoulders. “I don’t understand why they’re not sending more. We have 2,500 of our own men stationed throughout and around the fortress with another 1,500 in en route.”
    So the man has hair reaching his tail bone if not lower? Interesting

    “They can’t expect to overwhelm fort Vaxxus with so few. It’s the newest and strongest of our Forts, and its keep is nearly 200 feet high. Our archers will have them on their backs before they reach the walls.” while he talked spoke, the king moved to the southern window of the throne room. The King was a burly man, but not too overweight. He had black, shoulder length hair that swept in the wind as a breeze came through the window. A goatee adorned his prominent chin I really like this sentence.. “They must be trying to bring our troops from the mainland, even after we agreed to keep the fighting on the island. We must prepare for open war, even if it’s a false alarm, we cannot can’t risk not being prepared for a large scale conflict.”

    A smaller built man walked over to the Kings side and put a hand on his shoulder. “Father, King Peter wouldn’t have agreed to keep this fight on the island if he planned to invade the mainland. Since his father died he’s done nothing but try and restore relations between our two countries, aside from trying to take Vaxxus of course.” The prince looked nothing like his father with a clean cut face and short brown hair, a small forehead was the only feature the men shared. “Send a messenger to Lillus and Fort Lionel and tell them to prepare for war, but don’t include any of the local militia. Our people are finally beginning to sleep without fear of barbarians invading their home in the night, why should we scare them further?”

    Looking at the Prince, the King replied, “Rekai, as always you have proven wiser than your age.” The King turned to his advisor, “Arrin, do you agree with my son?”

    The advisor joined the other men at the window, “Yes I do my liege. We shouldn’t prematurely cause fear for the people of North Cyen.”

    “Very well, alert Fort Lionel and Lillus to prepare for war. Make sure the men know to keep quiet. You are dismissed.”

    “Yes sir.” With a bow Arrin left the chamber.

    “I still believe things aren’t as they seem. I don’t think we can withstand an attack from both the South and the barbarians. If King Peter doesn’t hold true to his word and those barbarians continue their hunt for blood, it may be the end of our nation,” the King turned on his heel and strode to the door, as he opened the door he turned to face his son, “I hope your right Rekai, I hope your right”.

    As the King walked out of the throne room, Rekai wondered to his father’s throne and sat. The throne sat in the middle of a room with a vaulted ceiling twenty feet high. Ten stone pillars aligned on both sides of a teal rug that attached the throne to the adjacent door. The Cyen emblem of a bear standing on two legs roaring at the sky with a spear and shield on the ground before him was depicted on tapestries hanging from each pillar. Above the throne were eleven names stitched in a dark blue rug representing the 11 kings preceding King Ralland II. Is his name Ralland or Rolland, you spelt it the latter previously. The description of the throne room is very good.

    Prince Rekai shook his head and rose from his father’s chair, exiting the room. As he walked down the maze of corridors that lead from the throne to his bedroom, he started humming a song from his childhood.

    In the land of Beach and Bear,
    The Kings of us rule true,
    In the land of this our home,
    We live and make our due.
    Of all the people of this land,
    We are sure the best,
    From swamps to plains to beach to sand,
    We are sure the best.

    The sun sat on the horizon as Prince Rekai entered his bedroom. “Ah, I’ve missed you today, My Prince!” A tall blonde women rose from the bed as he entered the room. Her high cheekbones and slender frame accented her beautiful pale complexion. “Won’t you come to bed now? I haven’t held you all day and I’m not sure if I can make it much longer,” A smile crept across her face. “Or must I wait even longer to have the Prince of Cyen all to myself”?

    “Uilkana, you know I want nothing more but I have business to attend to tonight. Father makes ready for war with the South and I must render battle plans to ensure this doesn’t lead to our undoing.” as he closed the gap between them he gently caressed her face. “Your beauty is beyond compare, you know.”

    She pulled away and re-traced her steps to the four poster bed. The tail of her white gown swept across the floor. “Don’t think that flattery will get you out of not spending time with me.”

    “You know I want nothing more than to lie beside you for a lifetime, but I have important responsibilities, you knew that before I asked for your hand.” he paced to the bedside and kissed her on the forehead. “Don’t guilt me, you know how much I hate it when you do that.”

    “Alright, see to your work then, but tomorrow I wish to spend the day with you and there’s nothing you or even your father can do about it.” Her smile widened as she took her place on the bed, rolled over, and covered herself in a woolen blanket. “Good night, my Prince”.

    “Good night my love,” with another kiss on her cheek he rose to his full stature and walked across the room to the door of his private office. He closed the door behind him as he entered. His office I'm not sure office is the right word in this setting. Possibly a 'war chamber' or 'siege workshop'? 'Office' is too modern and business like. was rectangular shaped with a small window above a large oak desk. The desk was littered with maps of different places all throughout North and South Cyen. On either side of the windows were paintings of the emblem depicted on the tapestries in the Throne Room. The other walls were decorated with portraits of his new fiancé Uilkana.

    He concentrated for hours drawing out troop movements, arranging battalion formations, and mapping out safe routes for supply trains. The Prince knew this could easily be handled by one of his father’s handful of advisors, but he insisted on doing it himself. A long yawn interrupted his work. He looked out the window to judge the time by the stars and realized it was nearly 4 hours until sunrise. Dismayed at his loss of time, he organized the papers he had worked on overnight, and returned to his bed chamber.

    Tip toeing across the room so to not wake Uilkana, he pulled the curtain on his side of the bed and found the bed vacant. Assuming Uilkana was in the wash room he walked to the opposite side of the chamber and knocked on the door. After a few moments of no reply he opened the door. The room was empty. He jogged ran (jogged sounds too calm and carefree) to the chamber door and pulled it open. When he entered the hallway panic crawled swarmed through his body. Four guards lay at the end of the chamber in a pool of blood.

    Overall it was a very enjoyable read. I think you have grasped the general war idea quite well with the addition of the missing fiancé it could make for a very intriguing story.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.