Writing Practise (In need of assistance)


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Thread: Writing Practise (In need of assistance)

  1. #1

    Writing Practise (In need of assistance)

    Hey. So first of all, this is the first piece I tried (at least) writing seriously. Before that I wrote 2 very short ones, so don't expect anything special. The other thing is, English is not my primary language so if someone could point out my grammar mistakes or logical mistakes, that would be great. Also all the help on my general writing (Which is crap, believe me ) would be very awesome.

    Here goes, I guess...

    ----------------------------------------------
    Gregory gently rolled up his sleeves and looked at his watch, it was an old antique piece he inherited from his Grandpa a few years ago. Gregs Grandpas watch showed 10 oclock in the evening. The boy briefly glanced at the sky which was getting darker and darker every minute and turned to his friends who were sitting in a full circle.

    - Alright guys, its getting dark. I better get out of here, wouldnt want to walk trough this part of the town later than I already am,- announced Gregory as he turned around and marched away from his friends, whose full attentions were granted to a poker game they were playing for a while now, one of them murmured something that sounded like a goodbye.

    To get home, Greg needed to catch a bus from the Winford station in the Drag. To some it was a calm thinking spot, to some it was the most disgusting part of the town. People called it the Drag because this was the only place in town that was not renovated, everything here was built in the previous century. Most of the buildings were inhabitable, they were literally falling apart in front of everyones eyes.

    When Greg finally got to the station he checked his watch, it was fifteen minutes after ten. The bus was meant to arrive only at half past ten. He looked around, he was the only one here. This place was basically abandoned, even at daytime. Gregory impatiently glanced at the watch every couple of seconds, only a few minutes have passed.

    Suddenly a high pitched scream echoed trough the air. Gregory quickly threw himself in the directions of the scream.

    This is a stupid idea Greg thought and tried to calm himself afterwards But how bad can it be? The girl probably saw something that isnt there, things like this happen way too often in the Drags

    Greg was athletic, he once successfully played on the schools soccer team for five straight years, but this time he got tired very quickly. After he got to the place where he thought he heard the scream from, Gregory fell to his knees and started gasping for air. He has never felt so tired in his entire life and a little run couldnt have had such effect on him no, it was something else.

    Suddenly Gregory jumped up as if he was bolted with electricity. He could clearly hear his heartbeat, it was fast, very fast. When the boy finally calmed down a bit, he noticed that everything around him didnt look the same, everything around him reminded Greg of a gorgeus painting. Everything was colored with bright and beautiful colors, he felt like in a dream.

    Gregory tried walking around, but it was harder than it looked. He took an awkward step and stopped, it seemed that ground was sliding beneath his feet.

    The boy heard something behind him; he carefully turned around and squinted his eyes to see a distant figure. It was a woman, a beautiful woman, in fact, it was the most beautiful woman Gregory has ever seen. She was in her early thirties. The woman had long blonde hair and deep blue eyes, Greg believed that he saw perfection at that moment. Her beauty somehow paralyzed Gregory. All his muscles stopped listening to him and he fell on the ground like a lifeless rag doll, only his eyes were focused on the lady. He couldnt stop looking at her, he didnt want too, all he wanted was to stay here forever, with her.

    -No, - Gregory let out a woeful gasp after he felt a burning sensation on his cheek.

    Someone hit him in the face, which brought him back to the real world. That someone was a young man, around twenty eight years old. He had short black hair, brown eyes and a little goatee. The man smiled at Gregory and asked:

    -Hey, kid. You alright?

    But Greg didnt even look at him, his eyes blankly stared at the sky. Suddenly they turned blood red and he grabbed his savior by the neck.

    -Bring me back! Bring me back, now! - Gregory shouted.

    The man with a goatee pushed Nathan away, who helplessly rolled around on the ground muttering the same thing over and over again. A husky voice came from behind of the young man:

    -She has him, theres nothing we can do about it, Nate.

    -I know, - replied Nathan and sadly looked at the pathetic empty creature a young boy has become.

    -And you know what we have to do, we cant just leave the poor kid to that monster,- said the husky voice again.

    -I know, - again replied Nathan, this time with a clear irritation in his voice.

    Nate took out a 50 caliber desert eagle from behind his belt and pointed it at Gregory.

    -Another wonderful day at the job, - grumbled Nathan, as he looked at the dark sky and took a deep breath.

    -Nathan, no matter how it looks, were doing the kid a favor here! reminded the husky voice.

    -I sure as hell hope so - Nathan silently whispered and pulled the trigger.

  2. #2
    I liked it. I'm about as new to critiquing as you say you are to writing, so believe anything I say at your own risk.

    Gregory gently rolled up his sleeves and looked at his watch; it was an old antique piece he inherited from his Grandpa a few years ago. Gregs Grandpas watch showed 10 oclock in the evening. The boy briefly glanced at the sky which was getting darker and darker every minute and turned to his friends who were sitting in a full circle.
    I changed one comma to a semicolan for you, just boring grammar. Also I'm not sure about the old antique thing, but I think you only need one. They mean the same thing and it just sounds a little wordy.

    - Alright guys, its getting dark. I better get out of here, wouldnt want to walk through this part of the town later than I already am,- announced Gregory as he turned around and marched away from his friends, whose full attentions were granted to a poker game they had been playing for a while now. One of them murmured something that sounded like a goodbye.
    More grammar stuff that may or may not be correct, but sounds better to me.

    To get home, Greg needed to catch a bus from the Winford station in the Drag. To some it was a calm thinking spot; to some it was the most disgusting part of the town. People called it the Drag because this was the only place in town that was not renovated; everything here had been built in the previous century. Most of the buildings were uninhabitable, they were literally falling apart in front of everyones eyes.

    When Greg finally got to the station he checked his watch, it was fifteen minutes after ten. The bus was meant to arrive only at half past ten. He looked around, he was the only one here. This place was basically abandoned, even during the daytime. Gregory impatiently glanced at the watch every couple of seconds, only a few minutes had passed.

    Suddenly a high pitched scream echoed through the air. Gregory quickly threw himself in the directions of the scream.
    I'm not sure "threw himself" sounds right, maybe just "ran toward" ?

    I haven't got time to finish right now, but I'll come back later if I can. Most of what I caught was grammar stuff, so just let me know if you have any questions about why I thought something was off. This is pretty good, especially if you're new to writing and the language. Don't get discouraged.

  3. #3
    Thanks a lot for the will to correct and read through my stuff, Queen!
    Everything you pointed out seems to fit much better your way, a few of those things were just attempts to roughly translate from my language to English.
    And it's time to get used to writing "Through" instead of "Trough"

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