H.E.A.E.I.B. Chapter 5: Race to the bunker


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Thread: H.E.A.E.I.B. Chapter 5: Race to the bunker

  1. #1
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    H.E.A.E.I.B. Chapter 5 (Rough Draft)

    Chapter 5: Race to the bunker

    The first battle has just begun. Soldiers from both sides were dying fast. Bullets flew

    everywhere. Bombs went off in few places killing soldiers here and there. Cause of

    that, smoke starts to cover the battle.
    "Switch to laser weapons!" Captain B orders.
    Luke's soldiers put the normal guns away and take out laser weapons which shoot out

    deadly lasers.
    Now bullets and laser were flying all over. Luke is still on the Hoover bike. He's

    speeding past bullets and lasers and starts to go faster. One bullet hits the bike and

    sets Luke off course sending him at a tree. He manages to jump off the bike. A second

    later the bike explodes into fire, sending pieces into the air.
    Bullets and laser still fly all over the place and Luke decides to hide behinds a tree so

    he won't get hit.
    "Captains, I've been shot down. Reinforcements will be needed here!" Luke orders.

    "Roger that!" Captain A said.
    The place where Captain A is:
    "Lets move in! The general needs back up!" Captain orders to the soldiers and killer

    machines. They all charge in.
    In the bunker:
    Marik checks to see how the battle is going. The numbers keeps on decreasing

    without stopping.
    "Damn! I need more demons here! Better call the Devil!" Marik said.

    The place where Luke crashed:
    It begins to get quiet. Luke looks around if there is any enemy nearby.
    "Should i move or should i wait here for back up and get stuck here?" He asked

    himself.
    He stands up and grabs his laser gun, runs across the dirty path to the bunker and

    jumps into the tall grass. He pokes his head up to see if there is anyone near the

    bunker.
    There were about one hundred and fifty demons guarding the entrance to the bunker.

    Luke puts his head back down and crawls through the tall grass to get closer to the

    bunker without getting noticed. He notices a tree in front of him and hides near it.

    "Should i attack?" He asks himself again.

    In the bunker:
    Marik is on a cell phone talking to the Devil.
    "What?" shouts the angry Devil through the cell.
    Marik takes off his ear from the phone and waits until he stops yelling.
    "I was wondering if you could bring me some backup cause i really need it!" Marik

    asked nicely.
    "Alright then, we'll bring you some more soldiers! If you fail then you will be severely

    punished! Got it?" The Devil says angrily.
    "Yeah yeah i got you sir!" Marik replies hesitantly.

    Outside of the bunker: Luke is getting prepared to strike by himself, taking out his

    bombs smokescreens and the weapons he took from home.

    In hell: The Devil is standing in his office looking down.
    "Noah get in here!" He shouts.
    A shadow appears from the floor and Noah pops up.
    "Yes sir?" he asks.
    "Prepare another army to backup Marik and make sure he doesn't fail me!" The Devil

    orders.
    "Yes sir!" Noah said and starts to walk away.
    "On second thought, why don't you help him out and make sure u get rid of that army

    the little bastard has!" The Devil said.
    "Right away sir! " Noah says and disappears into the shadows.
    "Damn i can't trust him with a simple task like this! Maybe I'm getting too old for this!"

    The Devil mumbles to himself then sighs and sits back down.

    Outside of hell: Noah goes aboard on a demon- plane that was ready for him. The

    demon–soldiers began to board the other two demon-planes. They left one hour later.

    Meanwhile:
    Luke crawls to the edge of the tall grass, takes a bomb and throws it to the nearest

    demons. The bomb falls to the floor and explodes. Twenty demons explode into

    pieces. The other demons begin to shoot everywhere. Luke throws another bomb that

    falls into the bunker.
    Marik hears something falling. When he entered the hallway that leads up to the

    surface he sees the bomb. He starts to run up the stairs. The bomb explodes and it

    fills the hallway up with smoke.
    Outside, Luke notices Marik running out. He takes a laser gun and starts to fire at him.

    The demons notice that the laser is coming from the tall grass. They begin to shoot

    into the tall grass. Luke scatters to hide behind the tree.
    "Scatter out and find the person who was shooting!" Marik orders. Luke hears that and

    begins to pray. When he's done he says"Man i was stupid!"
    five demons find Luke and drag him to Marik.
    " Well well well, what do we have here?" Marik asks.
    He looks at the millennium chain that is around Luke's neck.
    "I'll take that." He said and rips the chain off Lukes neck. Then from out of nowhere,

    smoke fills the air and lasers begins to fly everywhere, sending birds flying.
    The demons don't have enough time to react and shoot back. Half of them died. Marik

    stands up and runs into the bunker. Luke stands up. Captain B has arrived to the

    rescue.
    "About time!" Luke shouts over the noise.
    The soldiers and killer machine kill the remaining demons.
    "Are you alrigh sir?" Captain B asked.
    "I'm fine now!" Luke replied.
    Just then Captain A arrives with his soldiers and killer machines.
    "Sir, we killed the rest of the demons!" He says.
    "Good! Now here's more objectives, call the underground base and tell them to get

    you some more reinforcements cause i sense more demons coming! Anyways while

    I'm down there killing, i want you guys to defend this bunker so no demons or the devil

    apprentices won't come down here! Got that?" Luke asked.
    "Yes sir!" Both Captains reply.
    As Captain A tells the soldiers and the killer robots what to do and where to hide to

    surprise the enemy, Luke speaks to Captain B.
    "Make sure to survive!" Captain B said.
    "Don't worry, make sure you won't die either!" Luke said.
    Luke turns away from the captains and runs down the smoky hallway. Captain B turns to

    the robots and killer machines.
    "What are you waiting for, go into hiding!" He orders.
    The soldiers and machines go scattering everywhere, while Luke goes face to face

    with one of devils apprentices.
    Last edited by guilt; October 24th, 2011 at 02:30 PM.

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by guilt View Post
    Chapter 5: Race to the bunker

    The first battle has just begun. Soldiers from both sides were dying fast. Bullets flew

    everywhere. Bombs went off in few places killing soldiers here and there. Cause of

    that, smoke starts to cover the battle.
    "Switch to laser weapons!" Captain B orders.
    Luke's soldiers put the normal guns away and take out laser weapons which shoot out

    deadly lasers.
    Now bullets and laser were flying all over. Luke is still on the Hoover bike. He's

    speeding past bullets and lasers and starts to go faster. One bullet hits the bike and

    sets Luke off course sending him at a tree. He manages to jump off the bike. A second

    later the bike explodes into fire, sending pieces into the air.
    Bullets and laser still fly all over the place and Luke decides to hide behinds a tree so

    he won't get hit.
    "Captains, I've been shot down. Reinforcements will be needed here!" Luke orders.

    "Roger that!" Captain A said.
    The place where Captain A is:
    "Lets move in! The general needs back up!" Captain orders to the soldiers and killer

    machines. They all charge in.
    In the bunker:
    Marik checks to see how the battle is going. The numbers keeps on decreasing

    without stopping.
    "Damn! I need more demons here! Better call the Devil!" Marik said.

    The place where Luke crashed:
    It begins to get quiet. Luke looks around if there is any enemy nearby.
    "Should i move or should i wait here for back up and get stuck here?" He asked

    himself.
    He stands up and grabs his laser gun, runs across the dirty path to the bunker and

    jumps into the tall grass. He pokes his head up to see if there is anyone near the

    bunker.
    There were about one hundred and fifty demons guarding the entrance to the bunker.

    Luke puts his head back down and crawls through the tall grass to get closer to the

    bunker without getting noticed. He notices a tree in front of him and hides near it.

    "Should i attack?" He asks himself again.

    In the bunker:
    Marik is on a cell phone talking to the Devil.
    "What?" shouts the angry Devil through the cell.
    Marik takes off his ear from the phone and waits until he stops yelling.
    "I was wondering if you could bring me some backup cause i really need it!" Marik

    asked nicely.
    "Alright then, we'll bring you some more soldiers! If you fail then you will be severely

    punished! Got it?" The Devil says angrily.
    "Yeah yeah i got you sir!" Marik replies hesitantly.

    Outside of the bunker: Luke is getting prepared to strike by himself, taking out his

    bombs smokescreens and the weapons he took from home.

    In hell: The Devil is standing in his office looking down.
    "Noah get in here!" He shouts.
    A shadow appears from the floor and Noah pops up.
    "Yes sir?" he asks.
    "Prepare another army to backup Marik and make sure he doesn't fail me!" The Devil

    orders.
    "Yes sir!" Noah said and starts to walk away.
    "On second thought, why don't you help him out and make sure u get rid of that army

    the little bastard has!" The Devil said.
    "Right away sir! " Noah says and disappears into the shadows.
    "Damn i can't trust him with a simple task like this! Maybe I'm getting too old for this!"

    The Devil mumbles to himself then sighs and sits back down.

    Outside of hell: Noah goes aboard on a demon- plane that was ready for him. The

    demon–soldiers began to board the other two demon-planes. They left one hour later.

    Meanwhile:
    Luke crawls to the edge of the tall grass, takes a bomb and throws it to the nearest

    demons. The bomb falls to the floor and explodes. Twenty demons explode into

    pieces. The other demons begin to shoot everywhere. Luke throws another bomb that

    falls into the bunker.
    Marik hears something falling. When he entered the hallway that leads up to the

    surface he sees the bomb. He starts to run up the stairs. The bomb explodes and it

    fills the hallway up with smoke.
    Outside, Luke notices Marik running out. He takes a laser gun and starts to fire at him.

    The demons notice that the laser is coming from the tall grass. They begin to shoot

    into the tall grass. Luke scatters to hide behind the tree.
    "Scatter out and find the person who was shooting!" Marik orders. Luke hears that and

    begins to pray. When he's done he says"Man i was stupid!"
    five demons find Luke and drag him to Marik.
    " Well well well, what do we have here?" Marik asks.
    He looks at the millennium chain that is around Luke's neck.
    "I'll take that." He said and rips the chain off Lukes neck. Then from out of nowhere,

    smoke fills the air and lasers begins to fly everywhere, sending birds flying.
    The demons don't have enough time to react and shoot back. Half of them died. Marik

    stands up and runs into the bunker. Luke stands up. Captain B has arrived to the

    rescue.
    "About time!" Luke shouts over the noise.
    The soldiers and killer machine kill the remaining demons.
    "Are you alrigh sir?" Captain B asked.
    "I'm fine now!" Luke replied.
    Just then Captain A arrives with his soldiers and killer machines.
    "Sir, we killed the rest of the demons!" He says.
    "Good! Now here's more objectives, call the underground base and tell them to get

    you some more reinforcements cause i sense more demons coming! Anyways while

    I'm down there killing, i want you guys to defend this bunker so no demons or the devil

    apprentices won't come down here! Got that?" Luke asked.
    "Yes sir!" Both Captains reply.
    As Captain A tells the soldiers and the killer robots what to do and where to hide to

    surprise the enemy, Luke speaks to Captain B.
    "Make sure to survive!" Captain B said.
    "Don't worry, make sure you won't die either!" Luke said.
    Luke turns away from the captains and runs down the smoky hallway. Captain B turns to

    the robots and killer machines.
    "What are you waiting for, go into hiding!" He orders.
    The soldiers and machines go scattering everywhere, while Luke goes face to face

    with one of devils apprentices.
    Hello, seeing how this piece is chapter five, I will only comments towards your flow and what you provided. The way you wrote this is too script like. You aren't providing enough detail with the story. You can't say, for example, "The first battle had just begun" as a opening introduction. This is a story, not a script. You need to go into way more descrtiveness into what is going on in this battle scene, and you need to get in the heads of your characters.

    Heres a example which I think might help you. Seeing how you are using sci-fi, i'll use star wars for my example, seeing how I am sure you are famaliar with it.

    Darth Vader reached for his side, as he pulled out a small metallic object. "Come to me paddawon," a sudden burst of red light emitted from the objects tip. exc.. (Example A)

    Darth Vader pulls out a light sabre(Example B)

    You are writing like example B, try to focus on A.
    Last edited by Johnathanrs; January 7th, 2011 at 01:25 PM.

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Czech Republic
    Posts
    118
    ok. thanks for your tips. Btw you hit dead on with star wars, because those movies gave me some ideas.

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