Nuts and Bolts (Extremely Graphic Foul Language) - Page 3


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Thread: Nuts and Bolts (Extremely Graphic Foul Language)

  1. #21
    Member PaulMcElligott's Avatar
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    I'm as much interested in what lead up to this as what happens next. It sounds like our protagonist's fate is sealed, so I would expect this to be a prologue to a story told in flashback.

  2. #22
    I really enjoyed this short story! I will side with the minority in saying that I believe the ending was perfect. Sure, I wonder what happened to Marty. Jail? Mental institution? Was Marty eventually released decades later with nothing and no one? However, I think approaching your audience here is similar to pursuing a woman. Leave 'em wanting more.

  3. #23
    Brutal. Detailed. Very enjoyable.

  4. #24
    I found it a little contrived and cheesy in places. Such as, "Ahead they waited for the afternoon bell, leaning against the lockers, oblivious to the danger that was coming at them full steam. There were three of them. Pat Harmen, Gord Spelay, and the ring leader of their posse; Larry Gill. Larry was laughing with his cohorts as the others in the hall moved away from the approaching danger."

    I don't know, it's well written. But some parts just seem a little typical for that "I'm gonna get you after school" fighting the bully type thing.

  5. #25
    Quote Originally Posted by JayRiggs View Post
    I found it a little contrived and cheesy in places. Such as, "Ahead they waited for the afternoon bell, leaning against the lockers, oblivious to the danger that was coming at them full steam. There were three of them. Pat Harmen, Gord Spelay, and the ring leader of their posse; Larry Gill. Larry was laughing with his cohorts as the others in the hall moved away from the approaching danger."

    I don't know, it's well written. But some parts just seem a little typical for that "I'm gonna get you after school" fighting the bully type thing.
    Well thanks for the critique.
    MJ Preston is an Author and Artist at Large who hails from Canada.
    He is the author of the horror novel: Hidden Content and the Sci-fi thriller Hidden Content
    To learn more: visit: Hidden Content Hidden Content
    Hidden Content

  6. #26
    Member FrederickS's Avatar
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    So when I look at a book, I read the first paragraph and see if it's interesting. If I can read the whole page and remain interested, I buy it. I'm still interested in this story.

    One technical observation: Go buy a unripe pumpkin or cantelope. Hit it hard with a sock filled with nuts and bolts. The effect is still devastating and will knock someone out but a single strike won't do all the stuff described above. Although they don't have a skull directly underneath, I recommend them because doing that to a person will likely result in feelings of guilt or jailtime.

  7. #27
    A strong, climactic event. It feels like it could be stronger if you added more figurative description or metaphor to it, to slow down the action and let the reader enjoy it longer, but that might not work with your writing style.

  8. #28
    This piece has actually been retooled and is part of a characters past from a novel I am presently working on.
    MJ Preston is an Author and Artist at Large who hails from Canada.
    He is the author of the horror novel: Hidden Content and the Sci-fi thriller Hidden Content
    To learn more: visit: Hidden Content Hidden Content
    Hidden Content

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by MJ Preston View Post
    This piece has actually been retooled and is part of a characters past from a novel I am presently working on.
    Let me know the name of it so I can be sure not to buy it.

    For someone that uses such graphic language, and only for the sake of getting attention, your bars ain't nearly hard enough to justify such explicit language; This piece although displaying vulgarity shows no particular talent or skill.
    Last edited by Industrial; July 31st, 2012 at 12:35 PM.

  10. #30
    In that case I'll be sure to fire you off a complimentary copy. PM me your address and I'll get one in the mail.
    MJ Preston is an Author and Artist at Large who hails from Canada.
    He is the author of the horror novel: Hidden Content and the Sci-fi thriller Hidden Content
    To learn more: visit: Hidden Content Hidden Content
    Hidden Content

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