A synopsis for a screenplay.


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  1. #1

    A synopsis for a screenplay.

    Hi there,

    I'm working on a synopsis for a screenplay, please have a look and comment - it's supposed to be a comedy so try to see it from the bright side.

    Kind regards

    Pongy

    ---












    SUNSET BEACH

    BY PONGY

    Synopsis URL: goo.gl/nnXu



























    BENNY

    Yo, I think I got a bit tanned today. It was so hot.

    KENNY

    Very interesting.

    BENNY

    I love sunshine, I wish it could be like this every day.

    KENNY

    Dude, itís always sunny in California.

    The young men ramble on toward the Californian seaside hotel where they are accommodated. Up above the seagulls utter their indistinguishable sounds while the sun sets in the horizon.

    BENNY

    Yo, thatís just amazing.

    SAM

    Are you referring to the sunset?

    KENNY

    Benny, youíre such a dork.

    SAM

    Listen, Benny, we know youíve had a rough time of late, what with your girlfriend dumping you and all...

    BENNY

    Oh come on, donít give me that sentimental bogus. There are many drops in the ocean.

    KENNY

    Admit it, youíre sad. And youíre turning a bit gay.

    BENNY

    No way, thatís out of line! I was a marine for chrissake.

    Later that afternoon, in the bar.

    SAM

    Letís have a glass of orange juice each.

    BENNY

    Nah, I want a Mai Tai.

    KENNY

    And I want some absolut vodka.

    SAM

    Thatís preposterous. Iíve got the wallet and hence I shall decide. We will have orange juice, alcoholic beverages are bad for the health.

    The morning after.

    SAM

    Ok boys, time to get up.

    BENNY

    But itís 6 AM.

    KENNY

    Yeah, whatís that all about?

    SAM

    Early bird boys. Early bird. We shall devote our lives to hard work.

    BENNY

    Youíve gotta be kidding.

    KENNY.

    Yeah. Itís a joke. I ainít getting up.

    SAM

    Oh yes you will. Remember that I am your leader, chosen not democratically but by destiny.

    The cheerful trio go to work in an assembly factory.

    KENNY

    For crying out loud, this is so dull I think I may have to get a brain surgery.

    BENNY

    Yeah. A lobotomy. You need it.

    SAM

    Carry on now, we shall overcome.

    KENNY

    Remind me why weíre doing this.

    SAM

    Itís every responsible citizenís duty to do his best for society.

    KENNY

    But I would much rather lay around on the beach, sipping on a soda and watching the sunset.

    SAM

    Oh no, there wonít be any time for that. Life for an industrial worker is almost incomprehensibly hard. Think of the Chinese workers and how they work in their sweat and tears to produce the things you buy at Wal-Mart.

    KENNY

    Aw, youíre making me cry.

    Benny assembles a few tools.

    BENNY

    Well I think Kenny dislikes this more than I do. Iím almost ok with it, though itís a bit tedious.

    During break the guys have a sandwich at Subway.

    SAM

    I have to confess something guys.

    BENNY

    Oh, what now?

    KENNY

    This canít be good.

    SAM

    I believe in Jesus Christ our almighty saviour.

    KENNY

    Youíre such a dork.

    BENNY

    Careful Kenny. You know heís a bit crazy.

    SAM

    God has spoken to me, sent an angel as a revelation.

    KENNY

    Thatís it, Iím leaving.

    SAM

    Youíre not. You know I know things about you that you donít want the press to know.

    KENNY

    !(/§&#%(#%

    BENNY (Whispering)

    Heís dangerous.

    SAM

    From now on we will work twice as hard to build heaven on earth. We shall overcome.

    BENNY

    Oh god.

    SAM

    Do not use the lordís name in vain.

  2. #2
    Hi, welcome to the forum.

    I won't address any issues of format, if there are any, others know that better than I do. I'll just focus on the content.

    Most of the humor seems to be depending on one liners that lack a punchline, more situational. Think of some ways to bring some less expected humor in. For example:

    KENNY

    For crying out loud, this is so dull I think I may have to get a brain surgery.

    BENNY

    A lobotomy? Don't you have to have a brain to get one of those?

    KENNY

    Ha, ha.


    SAM

    Carry on now, we shall overcome.

    KENNY

    Remind me why weíre doing this.

    SAM

    Itís every responsible citizenís duty to do his best for society.

    KENNY

    But I would much rather lay around on the beach, sipping on a soda and watching the sunset.

    SAM


    That's your best?


    KENNY

    It might be. Works for me.


    SAM

    Oh no, there wonít be any time for that. Life for an industrial worker is almost incomprehensibly hard. Think of the Chinese workers and how they work in their sweat and tears...

    BENNY

    ...To make your flip-flops for your leisurely beach strolls.



    "PS: don't take technical advice about cold fusion from someone who can't spell fuzhun."

    Hidden Content

  3. #3
    My sense of humor is often subtle and incomprehensible. I appreciate your feedback but I do not agree to the changes you suggest. For crying out loud, your avatar is a Simpson's figure, that's not my kind of humor at all.

  4. #4
    That's fine. I don't expect you to use my suggestions, just to look at your work with new eyes towards the humor. Someone else may say they get your humor that would be great.

    The Simpson's avatar is a carryover from when I joined the forum many years ago. I don't change it because I can recognize my own posts quicker. That and I'm too lazy.

    Originality is great in writing and can work well in humorous dramatic work (just look at M.A.S.H., the movie, groundbreaking in its day. Very original movie). You just need it to reach your intended audience (which, granted, I may not be). In drama, more so than in other writing forms, subtlety is risky. As a role is performed, subtle humor may be missed, where in a book it can be reread.
    "PS: don't take technical advice about cold fusion from someone who can't spell fuzhun."

    Hidden Content

  5. #5
    Interesting point of views.

    I guess the benefit of writing as a hobby is you don't have to care too much about whether the result is popular or not. I can only imagine what those professional screenwriters e.g. for TV shows have to go through on a monthly basis, sweating to perform, anxious to be funny... You know like the crew behind shows such as Two and a Half Men... That show is not really funny in my humble opinion and I believe it may be because those guys have to come up with gags, whereas real humor just sort of shows up where you least expect it.

  6. #6
    Hey Pongy,

    Are you merely writing as a hobby or are you hoping to submit this screenplay?

    If it's the former then perhaps just get friends to read instead and act it out for fun etc. A play needs to be heard to know if it really works. But if this is merely a hobby that doesn't really matter.

    If it's the latter and you're aiming somewhere with your screenplay then Vangoghsear has some valid points. A collection of witty/silly lines does not make a comedy. You still need strong characters, a story, development. The dialogue below (and some other parts) was very stiff and unnatural, not the kind of thing people really say. Listen to people talking to one another.

    BENNY


    Yo, I think I got a bit tanned today. It was so hot.


    KENNY


    Very interesting.


    BENNY


    I love sunshine, I wish it could be like this every day.
    Hidden Content

    How to be Brave - Hidden Content

    The Mountain in my Shoe - Hidden Content

  7. #7
    Loulou,

    I'm writing as a hobby but I certainly wouldn't mind someone actually doing something with the synopsis, be that a YouTube video or whatever. I'd like to write for comics too.

    In terms of dialogue I'd say you can never be quite sure how people converse since every conversation is essentially new. Please bear in mind that it's a comedy, stiff and unnatural dialogue may occasionally lead to increased tensions i.e. build up to the comic relief.
    Last edited by Pongy; October 16th, 2010 at 03:48 PM.

  8. #8











    SUNSET BEACH

    BY PONGY

    Synopsis URL: goo.gl/nnXu



























    BENNY

    Yo, I think I got a bit tanned today. It was so hot.

    KENNY

    Very interesting.

    BENNY

    I love sunshine, I wish it could be like this every day.

    KENNY

    Dude, it’s always sunny in California.

    The young men ramble on toward the Californian seaside hotel where they are accommodated. Up above the seagulls utter their indistinguishable sounds while the sun sets in the horizon.

    BENNY

    Yo, that’s just amazing.

    SAM

    Are you referring to the sunset?

    KENNY

    Benny, you’re such a dork.

    SAM

    Listen, Benny, we know you’ve had a rough time of late, what with your girlfriend dumping you and all...

    BENNY

    Oh come on, don’t give me that sentimental bogus. There are many drops in the ocean.

    KENNY

    Admit it, you’re sad. And you’re turning a bit gay.

    BENNY

    No way, that’s out of line! I was a marine for chrissake.

    Later that afternoon, in the bar.

    SAM

    Let’s have a glass of orange juice each.

    BENNY

    Nah, I want a Mai Tai.

    KENNY

    And I want some absolut vodka.

    SAM

    That’s preposterous. I’ve got the wallet and hence I shall decide. We will have orange juice, alcoholic beverages are bad for the health.

    The morning after.

    SAM

    Ok boys, time to get up.

    BENNY

    But it’s 6 AM.

    KENNY

    Yeah, what’s that all about?

    SAM

    Early bird boys. Early bird. We shall devote our lives to hard work.

    BENNY

    You’ve gotta be kidding.

    KENNY.

    Yeah. It’s a joke. I ain’t getting up.

    SAM

    Oh yes you will. Remember that I am your leader, chosen not democratically but by destiny.
    The cheerful trio go to work in an assembly factory.

    KENNY

    For crying out loud, this is so dull I think I may have to get a brain surgery.

    BENNY

    Yeah. A lobotomy. You need it.

    SAM

    Carry on now, we shall overcome.

    KENNY

    Remind me why we’re doing this.

    SAM

    It’s every responsible citizen’s duty to do his best for society.

    KENNY

    But I would much rather lay around on the beach, sipping on a soda and watching the sunset.

    SAM

    Oh no, there won’t be any time for that. Life for an industrial worker is almost incomprehensibly hard. Think of the Chinese workers and how they work in their sweat and tears to produce the things you buy at Wal-Mart.

    KENNY

    Aw, you’re making me cry.

    Benny assembles a few tools.

    BENNY

    Well I think Kenny dislikes this more than I do. I’m almost ok with it, though it’s a bit tedious.

    During break the guys have a sandwich at Subway.

    SAM

    I have to confess something guys.

    BENNY

    Oh, what now?

    KENNY

    This can’t be good.

    SAM

    I believe in Jesus Christ our almighty saviour.

    KENNY

    You’re such a dork.

    BENNY

    Careful Kenny. You know he’s a bit crazy.

    SAM

    God has spoken to me, sent an angel as a revelation.

    KENNY

    That’s it, I’m leaving.

    SAM

    You’re not. You know I know things about you that you don’t want the press to know.

    KENNY

    !(/§&#%(#%

    BENNY (Whispering)

    He’s dangerous.

    SAM

    From now on we will work twice as hard to build heaven on earth. We shall overcome.

    BENNY

    Oh god.

    SAM

    Do not use the lord’s name in vain.

    The following day the three cabaleros assemble hundreds of tools in the factory where they are employed.

    KENNY

    Thanks god it’s Friday.

    SAM

    I’ve already made plans for us for the weekend.

    KENNY

    Spare us your plans old man. You’re deranged and you need to be locked up.

    SAM

    Be quiet, fool.

    BENNY

    Here we go again.

    SAM

    I’ve had enough of your insipid attitude. Be prepared to meet your maker.

    Sam hurls his lunch box at Kenny, who ducks.

    KENNY

    What are you trying to do? Your little lunch box can’t save you now.

    SAM

    Aargh!

    Benny dodges under a desk.

  9. #9
    Member Sonofjoe's Avatar
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    Aug 2010
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    Synopsis – A short summery of a play, movie or book etc.
    Might I suggest that you look at how the screenplay format should be written?
    Beer, Cigs, Caffeine, Fry-ups & Chocolate Cake. Always make sure you get your five a day!

  10. #10
    Sonofjoe,

    Yeah, I know about the difference between synopses and screenplays, thank you very much, a bit smug I'd say.

    Thing is, I want to write something more detailed than a synopsis but without all the extra details that you need to add to a screenplay. So consider this a syno-play or a screensis.

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