Could you cut any words from the first paragraph of the following piece? - Page 2


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Thread: Could you cut any words from the first paragraph of the following piece?

  1. #11
    Baron
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Backward OX View Post
    Someone elsewhere noted that ‘down’ showed it had been written by an Australian. The popular idea is that all single-storey buildings, in sub-tropical and tropical parts of Oz at least, are elevated on stumps to allow cooling air, reptiles and funnel-web spiders to get underneath. Check it with your Earls Court mates next time you’re talking. Thanks for the other. Every little bit helps, as Grandma said when she peed in the ocean.
    You're behind the times, it's all gays and Arabs in Earls Court these days.

  2. #12
    There are Australians we talk to and those we don't talk to.

    The one's we don't talk to are in Earls Court, and the one's we do talk to are in Wellington.

  3. #13
    Honoured/Sadly Missed The Backward OX's Avatar
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    querty's just staggered home from the shebeen again.

  4. #14
    Member winkash's Avatar
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    I think you could cut some prepositional phrases:

    - from the doorway of the drivers' canteen
    - by their drivers
    - over on the far side of the compound
    Reasons? Because, taking into account the second paragraph, these phrases are irrelevant or redundant.
    "All, all is theft, all is unceasing and rigorous competition in nature; the desire to make off with the substance of others is the foremost - the most legitimate - passion nature has bred into us and, without doubt, the most agreeable one." Marquis de Sade
    Stagnant ponds are part of the universe, but they can't reflect it.

  5. #15
    Morgan burped contentedly as he stepped down from the doorway of the drivers’ canteen on to the bitumen apron. Three taxis nose-to-tail at the nearby LPG pumps were being refuelled (=refueled, per word) by their drivers. He had parked his own cab over on the far side of the compound, near the workshops but out of everyone’s way. Now he was heading back to work. (62 words)

    Morgan burped contentedly as he stepped from the doorway of the drivers’ canteen to the bitumen apron. Three drivers refueled their taxis at nearby LPG pumps. He'd parked his cab on the compound's far side, over near the workshops, out of everyone’s way. Going back to work, he headed over to it. (52 words & zero 'to be' & positions him more clearly. Italics optional but I sense a certain self-righteousness.)
    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Steven Wright

  6. #16
    Honoured/Sadly Missed The Backward OX's Avatar
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    pp, the meaning behind those italics - as originally shown by the word 'own' - had been the subject of a long-running discussion elsewhere.

    Everyone, it seems there's no one best way to do this. We all have our own ideas. Thank you all.

  7. #17
    "heading back to work, he headed over to it."

    Not sure what to make of this one. =D

  8. #18
    I sense a certain self-righteousness.
    Together with a tendency to ribaldry where will this lead?
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  9. #19
    Honoured/Sadly Missed The Backward OX's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Olly Buckle View Post
    Together with a tendency to ribaldry where will this lead?

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