Portrait of a Manicured Mess


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Thread: Portrait of a Manicured Mess

  1. #1
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Portrait of a Manicured Mess


    A Portrait of a Manicured Mess

    Such a pretty little pity,
    tenderly holding martyr momma’s hand,
    the other snapping for the bill.
    Her blood on me speed
    legs crossed ,
    heels circling,
    eyes doing the do-si-do round restaurant
    guessing her Daddy-o
    is the best clacking green machine.

    Hubby, who hangs his pride
    on a hat stand,
    handing her Franklin faces.

    Shops everyday on Fifth.
    Juicy couture cloth, clasped,
    platinum hand-cuffed to Tiffany’s;
    skinny watches, big bangles,
    followed, catered to, by the best.

    She sucks Saks dry.
    Then off to Waldorf's
    for a salad she scarcely eats.
    A glass of Pino she sips, on purpose,
    tapping her nails on the glass;
    hammering nails
    for a box to hide her thoughts.

    Leaves a big tip for a bow.
    A little royalty purchased
    at the end of the day, everyday.

    Tomorrow, she’ll stuff death into a Chanel suit.
    Last edited by SilverMoon; September 18th, 2011 at 04:37 PM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  2. #2
    I loved those first two lines, I am a mug for alliteration. I felt it went on a little long, I got the message well before the end, on the other hand there wasn't much obviously redundant "Dollar sign eyes" was a bit weak, could "on purpose" be "she sips purposefully"
    A new story

    I finally got 'A Family Business' recorded and loaded, all 37 mins of it, much longer than any I have done before.
    Hidden Content

  3. #3
    What a sad portrait Laurie, I'm afraid I've seen this 'Mess' a few times in my life.

    Such a pretty little pity,
    tenderly holding martyr momma’s hand,
    the other snapping for the bill.
    Her blood on me speed
    legs crossed ,
    heels circling,
    eyes doing the dosido round restaurant
    guessing her Daddy O
    is the best clacking green machine.
    Hubby, who hangs his pride
    on the hat stand,
    handing her Jefferson faces.
    You painted the picture well.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  4. #4
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Hi, Olly. Thanks for reading. About the length. I was aiming for a kind of SOC effect and I did want to soak the reader with detail so they would join her, walking down "Obessive Lane". During the middle of the writing the last line came to mind and I fell for it. So, I think if not for the driving home, the last line would have been less effective. Just the second facter. But I'll consider what you're saying, reading with fresh eyes in the morning.

    You're absolutely right. "Dollar sign eyes" is weak and, in fact, rather trite. A definte change there.

    A glass of Pino she sips, on purpose,
    About her needing to restrain herself from "gulping" to numb pain, which has been strongly established.

    Again, big thanks! Laurie
    Last edited by SilverMoon; August 15th, 2010 at 03:07 AM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  5. #5
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    My ex-boss actually inspired this poem so you can imagine what a joy it was getting ready for work. I truly did feel for her but she "was" a fascinating study. Here, I write about The Nature of the Human Condition, again.

    Thanks for the read and appreciation, Cindy.
    Last edited by SilverMoon; August 15th, 2010 at 03:46 AM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

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    Hey Laurie,

    There is something smooth about the first line of your poem and it really drew me in. A strong mental picture in the second stanza points to this 'Mess'. A fashion obsession...
    Last edited by Foxryder; August 16th, 2010 at 03:14 PM.

  7. #7
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Thank you so much, Fox. Glad to hear you liked the first line because it is an important one. The second stanza was packed with her travels and hope it works. As I had said, I was going for a "Stream of Consciouness " effect but am not quite sure that it works with the first stanza, now?
    Last edited by SilverMoon; August 16th, 2010 at 04:11 PM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  8. #8
    I love this, Laurie, including the title. You've captured your subject brilliantly, I've never understood why rich ladies are so unhappy, they are proof that money can't buy happiness. The picture you paint is so vivid, I flinched at the nails tapping on glass, that image brought it home big time. Aside from the cash swap we've already discussed, I've no nits. I do have one suggestion, perhaps remove the "up" after Saks, "she sucks Saks dry" flows better. "Hubby, who hangs his pride on a hat stand" says so much in so few words, stellar job with that. I personally love your inclusion of all the details, it makes for a complete picture, (grain of salt here, you know I suffer from detail overkill) and enhances the impact of that excellent final line. Wonderful, wonderful work, love.
    Last edited by Chesters Daughter; August 16th, 2010 at 09:49 PM.

  9. #9
    ~
    Last edited by WhitakerRStanton; April 10th, 2013 at 01:51 AM.

  10. #10
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Thank you, Lisa. All drawn from my observations. Absolutely nothing I can relate to. I love to study people, what makes them feel full, though most times a short feed. I took your advice about "Saks". I agree the flow is better. Glad to give you a glimps into a sad, priveleged city woman's life. I knew so many of them when living and working in Manhattan.

    Whit, I am glad you appreciated the ending. That was "my" prize in the piece. Your suggestions were right on target and will be implementing the changes. I'm glad I was able to take you on a journey into the netherland of an empty women, who empties her husband's pockets in order to feel alive. Thank you for your review.

    Thanks to you both. Laurie ~
    Last edited by SilverMoon; August 17th, 2010 at 10:32 PM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

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