Hope


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  1. #1
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Hope

    Someone
    roll the ache
    into a white gurney,
    hospital chair,
    to the mattress,
    grey and barely there.

    You, there;
    take my clothes,
    crumple or fold them.
    Give me that cotton gown
    that’s been freshly laundered
    a thousand times, worn down.

    Daddy
    Do not come to visit
    to see what you have wrought.
    Don't dare tell the doctor you never did a thing.
    Sorry to dissapoint you.
    He tells me I can fly once he heals this broken wing.
    Last edited by SilverMoon; July 23rd, 2010 at 11:59 PM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  2. #2
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    Hello Silver,

    I read this all the way and I must confess that I found every bit of this piece tantalizing. The blend of command (or perhaps, instructions) in the face of abject helplessness was just interesting. There was hope in it.

    And BTW, why didn't the narrator try some herbal medicine or spiritual devotion? Nevermind. . Just glad to be in the pen again.


    Fox.

  3. #3
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Foxryder, glad you appreciated the piece and that you picked up on the contrasting. Yes, the commands in the face of abjectness.
    Last edited by SilverMoon; July 22nd, 2010 at 03:40 AM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  4. #4
    Hi Laurie,

    This is an intriguing work of art. I love how you reveal your thoughts in the last verse. You let it out.
    But the last line I don't understand. Is it your father telling you he can heal your broken wing?
    Quote Originally Posted by SilverMoon View Post
    Daddy
    Do not come to visit
    to see what you have wrought.
    Dare not tell the doctor you never did a thing.
    Sorry to disappoint you.

    He tells me I can fly once he heals this broken wing.

  5. #5
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Thank you so much, Nellie. Without spelling it out I wanted to convey that it was the doctor who was going to give his female patient flight/wings - Freedom. "Sorry to disappont you" refers to the father who had commited a psychologial crime on the female patient, and I indicated that he takes delight in his daughter's condition which he caused. "Sorry to disapoint you". Someone with perhaps a sadistic sociopathic condition.

    "Dare not tell the doctor you never did a thing" Using "thing" as a singular, I was hoping the reader would get the idea that she had been sexually abused by the father. If I had used "things" I leave it to the reader to assume a myriad of possible abususes.

    Dare not tell the doctor you never did a thing
    Sorry to disappoint you.
    He tells me I can fly once he heals this broken wing.
    I'm glad you found it to be intriguing and hope I answered your question. Laurie
    Last edited by SilverMoon; July 24th, 2010 at 08:40 PM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  6. #6
    Laurie, I get the feeling of metaphorical mental hospitalization, where the "patient" knows that the cure is more elusive than hoped. Quite interesting. Only a few nits Punctuation and spelling.
    Hope
    Someone
    roll the ache
    into a white gurney,
    hospital chair; (semicolons separate independent clauses. this should be a comma.)
    to the mattress,
    grey and barley there. (Do you mean "barely"?)

    You, there; (Here is a good spot for a semicolon. You there; take my clothes, crumple them or fold them.)
    take my clothes, (comma here)
    crumple or fold them.
    Give me that cotton gown
    that’s been freshly laundered
    a thousand times, worn down.

    Last edited by vangoghsear; July 23rd, 2010 at 07:13 PM.
    "PS: don't take technical advice about cold fusion from someone who can't spell fuzhun."

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  7. #7
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    I couldn't find anything to critique on this poem. It's beautiful and at the first three lines you know its going to be sad but beautiful (or at least I did) The tittle is perfect, and the last line, my favorite

  8. #8
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Thanks so much van, always appreciate help with puncuation. And think I can get that semi colon down. Glad you found it interesting. I think the briefest poem I've ever written! Laurie
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  9. #9
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    un named, So you did see the sadness creeping in. Good that's what I was aiming for! And am so glad you liked the last line. They are so important! Thank you. Laurie
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  10. #10
    This is different, Laurie, love. The contrast of the use of commands by one in such a situation is brilliant. Initially, your use of "worn down" to describe fabric seemed a little off, but the more I read, the more I liked it. This will sound crazy, but to me, it applies to the patient as well, if that makes any sense. I absolutely adore the strategic placement and duality of "Sorry to disappoint you", it goes both ways, sorry I fell apart, sorry I'll be getting better. Onto the nits. In S1, into should be onto a gurney, unless she's in a wheelchair and want to be smashed into one. In S3, not too fond of the archaic dare not, I humbly suggest Don't dare tell the doctor, if only for the sake of alliteration. Both that line and the final line are sticking out a bit too far and are visually displeasing. Perhaps you would consider breaking them in two. The brevity belies the depth in this piece, which is also a favorable attribute. Although this piece upset me greatly, that last line is really befitting of the title for it gives one hope all will be well. Different, perhaps, but still as engaging as all your work.

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