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Thread: Methadone Home

  1. #11
    Made change but one thing. How bout that? I'd rather end with 'skin' than 'and'. I understand making things visually clean.
    "I think it's blessed are the cheese makers." "...What's so special about the cheese makers?" - Life of Brian

  2. #12
    That's exactly what I meant:

    Sallow skin
    and nicotine fingers.

    Told you I'm lousy at relating what I mean. I never end on and, of, or from, as a rule, but when it comes down to it, it's all a matter of the poet's personal preference. Sorry for being such a nag, dear, and I still really like this piece.

  3. #13
    Lisa- It's cool. Looks cleaner now.
    "I think it's blessed are the cheese makers." "...What's so special about the cheese makers?" - Life of Brian

  4. #14
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Nathan, you did a remarkable job of getting across the down and out, nitty gritty conditions and experience in such an environment. And all this using an economy of words. I read your poem over again and then once more to absorb your imagery. Brilliant, I will say. Laurie
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  5. #15
    Laurie - Thanks. Somebody has suggested more upfront. Maybe two or three S to show the lead up to the home. Do you think that would work here?
    "I think it's blessed are the cheese makers." "...What's so special about the cheese makers?" - Life of Brian

  6. #16
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    No. Nathan. Because your title, Methadone Home, states your talking about a home. I see no need to build up to your beginning lines. As I see it, it would almost be redundent and in fact take away from your opening lines which "hits" you right then and there, in the best possible way.
    Sallow skin
    and nicotine fingers.
    Please, don't touch a word. I love it as is! Laurie
    Last edited by SilverMoon; May 30th, 2010 at 08:04 PM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  7. #17
    Member MaggieG's Avatar
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    I don't know if it is just my personal preference or something else, but I am inclined to think that minimalist doesn't work well with this. I want to know the person, their story as opposed to the general story of a junkie.

    Hopefully that makes sense Hun

  8. #18
    MaggieG- Makes sense. I'll have to give that some thought.
    "I think it's blessed are the cheese makers." "...What's so special about the cheese makers?" - Life of Brian

  9. #19
    I'm in agreement with Maggie. I found this really bland and didn't find myself caring all that much at the end about Sharon, and that's because I'm being given nothing new in this portrayal. I don't find it sad, because there's nothing of her story presented, nothing I can connect with on a personal level. I'd like to see something more human, something that takes me by surprise. Sorry to be negative. It's of course up to you to take or leave criticisms. Best,

    -R

  10. #20
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    If Nathan's intention we're to write a "portrait piece", I'm in full agreement with you both. As I read it, it's an "atmospheric" work and in this respect I think it works very well.

    Now, Nathan, you have different view points. Would be interested in what direction you where heading? If a portrait, I'd say it needs fleshing out. Again, if atmospheric, I woulnd't touch it. I can't read your mind but if your were aiming for portraiture you could have allot of fun re-working it. You have great stuff there! Laurie
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

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