Confused


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Thread: Confused

  1. #1
    Member wacker's Avatar
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    Confused

    CONFUSED


    I shed a tear upon my pillow as I lay down upon my bed
    Gently I massage my head, not knowing why
    A bruised eye and a broken nose the result perhaps of a fight I lost
    However unsure that I am, is this the result of my failure


    Images of a fight erupt in my minds eye
    With myself being the victim, laughter abound
    Putting up a struggle and attempting to protect myself
    I failed badly as my broken body and head hits the ground


    Laying there upon the ground, frightened and in pain
    With only the darkness as my friend
    I reach out and plead for help
    Screaming utter nonsense I begin to cry


    Is there no one who can help me
    Do they even know I exist
    How can they help me, what can they do
    can I expect a miricale or just wait my turn to die


    Utterly confused and not sure if I am dreaming
    I attempt to hit the ground to cause me yell out loud
    Nothing happens, so this is definitely all in the mind
    Sobbing my eyes out I, my tears stain the floor


    I realise I could be wrong and pray that I am
    As I attempt to hit the ground again
    Pain no longer my goal
    Can someone help me, please, I am confused.
    One thing in life we are all guaranteed - DEATH! it is unavoidable

    Don't mess with the Donkey OR you'll get kicked by his ASS!

  2. #2
    Hi Wacker,

    with 18 (if my counting is up to scratch) "I"s, and an abundance of me/my/myself (used 14 times), this piece isn't really geared towards an audience. I'm just not getting anything from it, because it's so self-centred.

    The idea of a dream fight has some potential, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. Firstly, this reads at the moment as one long, nonsensical sentence, because you only use one full stop right at the end. Why have you not punctuated the piece properly with full stops/ question marks as appropriate throughout? You've used commas and dashes and other marks of punctuation, so it seems quite an odd choice. Lines like:

    However unsure that I am, is this the result of my failure
    sound pretty strange without punctuation at the end.

    Overall, this is way too melodramatic, and none of the images are particularly memorable because they're mostly abstract, such as "frightened and in pain" - can you give a specific image which shows this, rather than generalised, unevocative words? Just some concrete detail, attention to active verbs, more intimate descriptions, would bring these piece out of prosey reportage and give it some much-needed energy.

    Also, remember to proof-read before you post - "miricale," "to cause me yell out loud."

    Do you read much published poetry? Good luck with this,

    -R

  3. #3
    Banned Martin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rainhands View Post
    would bring these piece out of prosey
    I believe you mean "this"...

  4. #4
    Banned Martin's Avatar
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    Wacker, rude of me not to reply to your poem. It could need some work and you got some good suggestions. Though I read it with the style and sentiment in mind, I remember from your earlier pieces and took it rather light hearted, a little wacky. It made it quite a pleasant read. Nice to see you're still around...

  5. #5
    I believe you mean "this"...
    Lol, indeed I do.

  6. #6
    Member wacker's Avatar
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    Thanks guys for your comments. Its just something that I did on the fly and decided to put it here for commenting. As I expected It needs a lot of work but the goal of this piece (for me) was to get as many comments and opinions to give me a bigger view of the overall picture.

    Again guys thanks for your input, every bit of advice/criticism on this piece is useful.

    all the best.

    wacker
    One thing in life we are all guaranteed - DEATH! it is unavoidable

    Don't mess with the Donkey OR you'll get kicked by his ASS!

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