Cede/Seed


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Thread: Cede/Seed

  1. #1
    Member MaggieG's Avatar
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    Cede/Seed

    Allow me to cut open for you
    the weight of this pulp,
    where nerves take in deeply
    like my blade of lips do
    when crowning your rising trunk.

    Pitch is inaudible to me in this swaying
    canopy, branching through.
    Here you carve out tenderness,
    marking your beloved pet,
    once a wild animal.

    Collared to your lap,
    sap pours from stock too stoic
    to beg for the fall,
    even when it wants to.
    Tip, tip, tipping ever over.

    Is this copse with sound for you,
    this breeze that gnashes like saw's teeth ?
    Can you hear the bite of my lumbering ?
    Count my rings, trace them
    back to their sprouting.

    Sucking you into me from the root,
    I cede to these timberings
    that I can not hear, but feel
    grazing this forest base
    where my thin leafy veins lay down,

    and howl…

    You are the seed
    of something always growing in me.
    You are the seed
    of something lush, and yet heavy.

    You are simply the cede/seed.
    Last edited by MaggieG; May 17th, 2010 at 01:45 AM.

  2. #2
    This is a pleasure to read, what I mean by that is, the texture of the words, just taking them in. It's sensual, no doubt. Somewhat oblique, even if the imagery is fairly obvious. And I mean that in a good way.

    Pitch seems inaudible to me here
    "seems" comes off as a little wishy-washy, unsure. Doesn't really fit.

    Coppice and copse mean almost the same, thing I think, and they sound simlar, so using them both doesn't seem quite right.

    The word "howl" also seems a little disconcerting here. Not sure why. Maybe that's what you intended, that you are building to something, but it seems almost like an interruption.

    It begs repeated readings, which is always good. And I don't mean in terms of trying to analyze it, more so, for enjoyment.

    Nice work.

  3. #3
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Maggie: You have some interesting images here which I'll first site.

    saw's teeth. Very inventive.
    this breath that gnashes like saw's teeth ?
    Elegant yet disturbing in some way. I think of the hands of a very old woman.
    where my thin leafy veins lay down,
    I would suggest using an economy of words and a different layout so your rich language really reaches the reader. Here's what I would suggest and hope you don't mind my input in this regard.

    I need to cut open for you
    the weight of this pulp,
    where nerves chop deeply
    like my blade of lips do
    when crowning your expansive trunk.

    Pitch seems inaudible to me here replace "seems" w/ "is". More impact
    in this canopy,
    branching ever outward.

    You carve out tenderness,
    marking your beloved pet,
    once a wild animal,

    and I am collared to your lap. reads better w/o "and" Think economy.
    Sap pours from stock too stoic Sap, no cap
    to beg for the fall,
    even when it wants to.
    Tip, tip, tip ever over.

    Is this copse with sound for you, no comma but question mark.
    this breath that gnashes like saw's teeth ?
    Can you hear the bite of my lumbering ?

    Count my rings, and trace them "and" could go. No comma otherwise.
    back to their infant coppice,
    as I suck you into me
    from the root.

    I cede to these timberings
    that I can not hear, but feel; "that" not necessary
    grazing this forest base
    where my thin leafy veins lay down,

    and howl…

    You are the seed
    of something always growing in me.

    You are the seed
    of something lush, and yet heavy.

    You are simply
    the cede/seed...

    Thanks, Maggie. I enjoyed the read. Laurie
    Last edited by SilverMoon; May 16th, 2010 at 07:55 PM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  4. #4
    You carried the extended metaphor brilliantly, Maggie, and your earthy choice is quite befitting. Usually, poems of this nature are not my bag, but this was done so tastefully, you hooked me and reeled me right in. Guess I'm tonight's supper. Gotta love cede/seed, but then you knew I would. I have to agree with Joe regarding copse and coppice, but not about howl, that I like. I agree with Laurie regarding the seems after pitch, is would be better. "and I am collared to your lap" I think might be better as now collared to your lap, can't say why though. I think the cap in sap should remain, and adding the third question mark may be a bit much, three is a row is visually displeasing. I agree with Laurie that that before cannot should go, typo in can not. I think you should consider breaking up the lines in the final stanza a bit, but see no reason to leave spaces between. Oh, sorry for blabbing so much. Joe is correct, this is one I'll be returning to time and again. Wonderful job, love. If it lured me, you know you got it going on.

    Best,
    Lisa

  5. #5
    Member MaggieG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JosephB View Post
    This is a pleasure to read, what I mean by that is, the texture of the words, just taking them in. It's sensual, no doubt. Somewhat oblique, even if the imagery is fairly obvious. And I mean that in a good way.



    "seems" comes off as a little wishy-washy, unsure. Doesn't really fit.

    Coppice and copse mean almost the same, thing I think, and they sound simlar, so using them both doesn't seem quite right.

    The word "howl" also seems a little disconcerting here. Not sure why. Maybe that's what you intended, that you are building to something, but it seems almost like an interruption.

    It begs repeated readings, which is always good. And I don't mean in terms of trying to analyze it, more so, for enjoyment.

    Nice work.

    Thank you much Joseph. At the moment I am in the mood to hit my head on my desk, and see if something better bleeds out than what I am coming up with in line 5/ Stanza 1 ! Grrrrrrrrr ! In my editing I took a close look at your suggestions, and followed through with many of them. Howl ? I like Darlin. It fits with " stock too stoic ". Other than that, much much thanks for your observant writer eyes

  6. #6
    Maggie this was so pleasing to be read aloud, the blended words that spring from one to the other, all of it was soothing in its auditory quality. The metaphor was well done and cultivated expertly by a skilled hand, until blooming beautifuly within the final line. The poem flowed well to its culmination in that last line, with nothing left wanting or needed to add to your poetic beauty Maggie.

  7. #7
    Member MaggieG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilverMoon View Post
    Maggie: You have some interesting images here which I'll first site.

    saw's teeth. Very inventive.


    Elegant yet disturbing in some way. I think of the hands of a very old woman.


    I would suggest using an economy of words and a different layout so your rich language really reaches the reader. Here's what I would suggest and hope you don't mind my input in this regard.

    I need to cut open for you
    the weight of this pulp,
    where nerves chop deeply
    like my blade of lips do
    when crowning your expansive trunk.

    Pitch seems inaudible to me here replace "seems" w/ "is". More impact
    in this canopy,
    branching ever outward.

    You carve out tenderness,
    marking your beloved pet,
    once a wild animal,

    and I am collared to your lap. reads better w/o "and" Think economy.
    Sap pours from stock too stoic Sap, no cap
    to beg for the fall,
    even when it wants to.
    Tip, tip, tip ever over.

    Is this copse with sound for you, no comma but question mark.
    this breath that gnashes like saw's teeth ?
    Can you hear the bite of my lumbering ?

    Count my rings, and trace them "and" could go. No comma otherwise.
    back to their infant coppice,
    as I suck you into me
    from the root.

    I cede to these timberings
    that I can not hear, but feel; "that" not necessary
    grazing this forest base
    where my thin leafy veins lay down,

    and howl…

    You are the seed
    of something always growing in me.

    You are the seed
    of something lush, and yet heavy.

    You are simply
    the cede/seed...

    Thanks, Maggie. I enjoyed the read. Laurie
    Agreed Hun You know how you initially write something, and love the first impacts. Then you go back, and go " Hmmmm ? " That would be this bad boy ! lol I think I have it fairly tight except for line 5 / stanza 1 ( which is annoying the crap out of me ! lol ) Your suggestions were great Hun, and much appreciated

    Thank you

  8. #8
    Member MaggieG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ChestersDaughter View Post
    You carried the extended metaphor brilliantly, Maggie, and your earthy choice is quite befitting. Usually, poems of this nature are not my bag, but this was done so tastefully, you hooked me and reeled me right in. Guess I'm tonight's supper. Gotta love cede/seed, but then you knew I would. I have to agree with Joe regarding copse and coppice, but not about howl, that I like. I agree with Laurie regarding the seems after pitch, is would be better. "and I am collared to your lap" I think might be better as now collared to your lap, can't say why though. I think the cap in sap should remain, and adding the third question mark may be a bit much, three is a row is visually displeasing. I agree with Laurie that that before cannot should go, typo in can not. I think you should consider breaking up the lines in the final stanza a bit, but see no reason to leave spaces between. Oh, sorry for blabbing so much. Joe is correct, this is one I'll be returning to time and again. Wonderful job, love. If it lured me, you know you got it going on.

    Best,
    Lisa
    Darlin I despise blatantly erotic poetry ! lol Personally I don't see blatant as erotic. This is about passion, and the dominant/submissive "nature" found in all relationships. How does one "give in" to their passions, lay down to the conquering of their most intimate self ? ( Especially if they are like me, stubborn, ornery, and prideful as hell ! lol ) THAT sort of thing goes a teeny bit deeper than body parts .

    You realize having you tell me I write anything well makes me grin big time don't you ? Yeah.... I am that impressed with the way you write.

    Thank you Hun

  9. #9
    Member MaggieG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hoot08 View Post
    Maggie this was so pleasing to be read aloud, the blended words that spring from one to the other, all of it was soothing in its auditory quality. The metaphor was well done and cultivated expertly by a skilled hand, until blooming beautifuly within the final line. The poem flowed well to its culmination in that last line, with nothing left wanting or needed to add to your poetic beauty Maggie.
    Hoot , As I said once before here, I read aloud. There should always be an audio-atmosphere to writing. I remember when I was reading "Desolation Angels" and Kerouac was describing going up Hozeman his words LITERALLY sounded like footsteps going upward, a trodding if you will. I LOVED it ! I will quote my Da when he was talking about writing

    " Let your words glide, and softly bump up against each other when you speak of kind, and gentle things. Allow them to fight out those situations that have angered, or frustrated you with fists of sound. Whirl them around me as if a force of nature to be reckoned with, and I will never abandon you on your travels, nor you, I "

    Thanks much Hoot
    Last edited by MaggieG; May 17th, 2010 at 03:08 PM.

  10. #10
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    " Let your words glide, and softly bump up against each other when you speak of kind, and gentle things. Allow them to fight out the those situations that have angered, or frustrated you with fists of sound. Whirl them around me as if a force of nature to be reckoned with, and I will never abandon you on your travels, nor you, I "
    Absolutely brilliant and apt! Was your father a writer? My uncle was and often gave me excellent advice.

    This is something I'll be keeping in mind. How fortunate you are to have such a wise father!
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

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