Ethereal


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Thread: Ethereal

  1. #1
    diwata
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    Talking Ethereal

    " She was the sun; light as day.
    But from her future, she wanted to run away
    He was the moon; dark as night,
    and his future, still not clear in sight

    Ere their very eyes they'll know each other.
    But their trust will never waver.

    He'll be banished, trodden, from sin begotten
    While she lives in luxury but wishes forgotten.

    She was the beginning of him
    but, he was the end of her.

    Now their tale has begun,
    As the string of their life had sung

    The words written in gold.
    and everything it beholds."

    Book of the Prophecy, 97400xxx B.C.



    PROLOGUE

    Year X


    In the beginning of time, there was nothing but chaos between the two races created by the Greek god, Zeus. As it was said in the Greek mythology where the world was made from a bedlam.

    The races were called the Monacribros and the Fyli.

    The monacribos were brown haired beings with ears like the elves'. Their sense of hearing was very strong that one was proven useful during battles. The convergence of their powers was the soul. It serves as their food, their only way of survival. But every time they consume some, they lose every bit of their sanity. It was the price they must pay.

    The Fyli were inhumanely beautiful. Their bodies were lithe and they have marble-like skin. Their eyes are large and bloodshot. In modern day, they can be classified as Nymphs or probably vampires. The focus of their power is air. They can yield potions and weapons through it. They attack from afar since their body was brittle and fragile

    Even with their weaknesses, these beings were ruthless murderers and lethal assassins.

    Their conflict, on who must be the leader race of the world, was utterly endless. Years and years they fought but none of them was close to winning. They did nothing but war and plague.Their greediness and wrath were weakening the gods,losing the balance in the world, thus making them unstoppable.

    One day, the gods had enough of their blasphemies. They thought of a way to put an end to this meaningless fight. Eros- the Greek god of love- attracted a Monacribos named Dilc and a Fyli named Mim, to each other.

    A fateful night of titillating and bliss, Mim was impregnated.

    But Eros' power was just an illusion. No one has the power over love. Soon, the illusion weakened. Dilc and Mim's eyes were left bare of the treachery they did to their race. Frightened, they tried to hide and to halt whatever punishment that might be given to them. But before they could put an action to it, both sides found out.

    There was more chaos than ever. But for the first time, they agreed on something. It is to kill the baby. They didn't know that the hybrid of Monacribos and Fyli was stronger- indestructible even for the gods.

    As they tried to kill the child who from sin had begotten, it backlashed. The Monacribos and Fylie were erased in existence. They didn't die. It was rather like they didn't exist at all. All evidences were gone except for one thing.....

    The Earth was left empty, but the quiet and serenity it brought calmed the gods. The child was hidden by them, sealed his powers, and hid him in Olympus as Zeus again,thought of a new race.

    He called them Humans.

    He decided it would be better if Humans knew nothing.
    Nothing of their creator, nothing of the power they have and especially nothing of their purpose in Earth. Some lived in harmony, though some lived in chaos. But it was balanced.


    But day by day, the gods grew anxious-afraid that the boy will soon have his powers awaken.

    Till this day, he is feared and still deprived from the truth of his creation. Some say he yields all the powers of the Olympians, but to some, his was greater.

    He was the moon; dark as night.

    He was Thymos.


    With the chaos over, Aphrodite had a daughter named Myrrh with Ares, the Greek god of war whom she was a secret affair with. With 2 months of pregnancy, she was suddenly offered to Hephaestus. No one knew that the father of her daughter was Ares.

    When Myrrh was born, she brought sun to Olympus. Her smile was light as day.
    But something happened.

    "The gods were like the humans they created." She thought. "They are simple and nave, greedy and cunning. With that,she decided to live in a secluded place in Olympus - the Sanctum.


    He was avoided by the world while she was the one who avoids it.
    Total opposite. Total strangers. Total destruction.



    ********
    Please tell me what you think

  2. #2
    Member darknite_johanne's Avatar
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    Dec 2009
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    Hi Diwata, if this was a prologue, I think some parts would do well being incorporated in the story itself and some parts being left to the prologue. Seeing as you only have 2 posts. PM me if you're interested in helping this get better. Anyway. great potential up there.
    A world of words, warring races, ruled by Demi-gods.

    If you want you can check out my Graphic Novel XD: Exit Demigods Hidden Content
    and is available for download Hidden Content



  3. #3
    Before I give any further comments, I just have a question: Was the quotation before the prologue an actual quotation from an actual book, or did you just make it up? If you did, then that was some quotation, I like it. It creates a sort of "legends" theme to it.

    As for the prologue itself, I liked its detailed explanation but it kinda' gave the impression that these explanations should have been done in a formal chapter than in a prologue. Too much detail was given immediately and despite me liking it being all give out front to not leave your readers in the dark, it was, in my humble opinion, a bit hurried.

    Still, the concept was there, and it never failed to capture my interest. The title itself was already alluring.
    Hidden Content
    GOD DOESN'T MAKE THE WORLD THIS WAY... WE DO. - RORSCHACH, WATCHMEN

  4. #4
    Over all, certainly not bad. You didn't take too much time on irrelevant detail, and your exposition was fairly straightforward. Furthermore, you sprinkled the text with plenty of uncommon words (which I whole-heartedly approve of!). The biggest issues I saw were in clarity. Throughout the piece there was a lot of nonstandard word usage, and I'm not sure whether it was a part of your style or the result of genuine errors. For example:

    They did nothing but war and plague.
    I've never seen "plague" used as a verb before.

    Their greediness and wrath were weakening the gods,losing the balance in the world, thus making them unstoppable.
    I'm not sure how greediness and wrath can lose something.

    A fateful night of titillating and bliss, Mim was impregnated.
    While I know that "titillating" is a word, it is most often used to modify nouns. I'm not sure that you can have a night of titillating, though perhaps a night of titillation.

    There're things like this throughout the piece. If you are doing it intentionally, well done. It does a good job of creating the sense that this wasn't written by a native English speaker, which gives it a pleasantly exotic aroma and makes it seem all the more like some ancient myth from another land.

    On the other hand, if it's not intentional... it creates the sense that it wasn't written by a native English speaker, which is distracting and occasionally confusing. If this is the case, and you'd like me to, I'd be happy to send you a PM pointing out the spots I'm talking about and help you figure out what would be a better way to say what you mean.

    Even if it is intentional, I might go through and tone it down just a little because, while effective, it's kind of distracting.

    Watch out for punctuation. Go back through and check for comma usage. Make sure that clauses that ought to be separate sentences are separate sentences or are separated by a semicolon.

    Another issue (unless this also was intentional) - you shift back and forth between present and past, sometimes in the same sentence:

    Their bodies were lithe and they have marble-like skin.
    If you make your tenses uniform throughout the piece, choosing the past tense will hint to the reader that the people you're talking about aren't around anymore. If you use the present, your subject matter will seem more immediate, but possibly at the risk of some confusion about whether the people you're writing about are around.

    Also, at the end of the piece the flow of the narrative becomes a little confusing. E.g.:

    When Myrrh was born, she brought sun to Olympus. Her smile was light as day.
    But something happened.

    "The gods were like the humans they created." She thought. "They are simple and nave, greedy and cunning. With that,she decided to live in a secluded place in Olympus - the Sanctum.


    He was avoided by the world while she was the one who avoids it.
    Total opposite. Total strangers. Total destruction.
    What happened when Aphrodite brought Myrrh to Olympus? Was it that she had the thought that you report in the next paragraph? If so, it would be better to make clear that this "something" is occurring in Aphrodite's mind, for example by saying, "But she realized something." Similarly, in the last paragraph, who is the "he" you are referring to? Is it Myrrh? Or the Monacribos-Fyli hybrid?

    To resolve the clarity issues, I would say reread the piece and make sure that a reader who knows nothing about your world can understand it at each point. Specifically, try getting a friend or family member whose opinion you respect and whose reading ability matches that of your intended audience to go through and put a mark next to each part that's unclear. That way you'll have a reference for which areas need the most clearing up.

    I understand the difficulty of world building though, so don't be daunted. And my fiction's full of atypical word usages (when I'm even using real words!).

    And even if they were actually errors, you might think about keeping some of the more interesting ones around. It helps keep the reader on their toes . You just have to be careful about how much is too much.
    Truth bears repetition.

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