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05-30-05 | Scores (1 Viewer)

Pawn

Patron
Literary Maneuvers: Hungover Haiku Scores

To every contributor of work, I give a metaphorical cake, and to every reviewer, a metaphysical hug. I hope you'll join me in pronouncing the first Literary Maneuver to be, thanks to its participants, an outstanding success.

So, who won? We behind the curtain have been reading and digesting, and, becoming ill as we are, the time has grown right for us to vomit up this literary hairball into the forum proper. Below is a listing of the average and individual scores that members recieved from (in the correct order) valeca, bobo, daniela, Aevin and myself. You can find proper text reviews if ye scroll down a bit, which I heartily recommend you do.
  • Crazy dude6662: 10.8 (10, 14, 11, 9, 10)
    strangedaze: 14.2 (14, 12, 16, 14, 15)
    Wookie: 14.2 (14, 19, 14, 11, 13)
    kintaris: 14.2 (15, 15, 12, 15, 14)
    Ilan Bouchard: 16.6 (14, 16, 19, 17, 17)
    gordon: 13.4 (15, 15, 16, 8, 13)
    gohn67: 13.6 (13, 16, 14, 12, 13)
    LoneWolf: 16 (15, 17, 16, 16, 16)
    Rico: 15.6 (15, 18, 16, 15, 14)
    demonic_harmonic: 16.4 (16, 16, 17, 18, 15)
    Kelhanion: 14.8 (13, 17, 14, 14, 16)
    petrel}: 14.8 (15, 17, 16, 12, 14)
    Hand: 16 (19, 19, 18, 11, 13)
    Philo: 14.8 (15, 16, 16, 12, 15)
    Farror: 14 (14, 15, 14, 12, 15)
    J Luis: 13.4 (14, 14, 14, 12, 13)
    Druid: 11.2 (10, 12, 12, 8, 14)
    littlelostboy: 12.2 (10, 16, 12, 11, 12)
    TsuTseQ: 14 (15, 14, 13, 14, 14)
    ms. vodka: 16 (16, 16, 16, 17, 15)
    Cipher2: 14.2 (14, 15, 12, 16, 14)
    speculative: 14 (12, 19, 10, 15, 14)
    a15haddad: 13.4 (15, 14, 12, 12, 14)
    journyman161: 15.4 (15, 17, 16, 17, 12)
    barnsturm: 14.8 (15, 17, 14, 13, 15)
    JSuK: 11.6 (9, 14, 13, 12, 10)
    eggo: 16.4 (19, 17, 12, 19, 15)
Top Six

  1. Ilan Bouchard (16.6)
  2. demonic_harmonic / eggo (16.4)
  3. LoneWolf / Hand / ms. vodka (16)
  4. Rico (15.6)
  5. journyman161 (15.4)
  6. Kelhanion / petrel} / Philo / barnsturm (14.8)
That's right, it's the question on everyone's lips: "Who did Ilan bribe?" In a shocking turn-up for the books, relative newcomer to the site eggo ties DH for second place, while LW, Hand and Jen enjoy a bitch fight for third. Fourth place has recently been redecorated a particularly difficult shade of bright fuschia - Rico denies everything. Prolific poet journyman has fifth all to himself, while languishing in the 'talented but lazy' category are Kelhanion, petrel}, Philo and barnsturm, each having secured the position in their own... unique way.

The award for Most Tragically Misunderstood Artist goes to poor Druid, who baffled critics with his abstract three-liner.

The International Slut of the Year award goes to Jorge for his classic finali "Who the fuck is that?!"

Most Painful Poem could go to none other but the infamous ms. v.

speculative takes home both The Best Title and Most Drug-Infused awards for his near-sci-fi epic "Attack of the 1000-foot Mushrooms".

Acceptance speeches welcome.
 

valeca

Patron
[disc:ae25b54153]All scoring in the following post is my own opinion and can be accepted or ignored as the participants wish. When reading, please remember the time and effort all the judges put into doing this.[/disc:ae25b54153]

[an:ae25b54153]Everyone who participated: Kudos for being the first to take part in the Literary Maneuvers Challenge! Pats on the back all around! Great work![/an:ae25b54153]


The first three are in order of my personal preference. The following scores are in the same order they were posted.

1st
Title: None
Author: Hand

For myself, this entry won hands down (pun unintentional) because the interpretation of the theme was creative and veered off in an entirely different direction. The imagery was a wonderful change of pace. And I’m a sucker for the humorous.

Score: 19/20

EDIT: After letting it sit for a bit, I had to amend my top pick to a tie. Nicely done, eggo! Loved it. I pointed it out to my very own redneck, Selorian, and we had a great laugh over it!

Title: Hillbilly Heaven
Author: eggo

What a great poem! I liked the use of storm elements to create a feeling of foggy memory. Unexpected twist in the last line, but it had me laughing out loud. Great! On a side note, I adore the last line of your other poem.

Score: 19/20


---

2nd
Title: Secret
Author: demonic_harmonic

I loved the twist within the interpretation. Very effective use of that last line, dem. I felt the punctuation could be changed to add even more ‘oomph’ to an already great poem. The contrasting light and dark was a great stimulant to the mind’s eye as well.

Score: 16/20

---

3rd
Title: Morning after the first
Author: Rico

I could clearly see the picture you drew in the first two lines, and then you drove it home in that last one. Well done. My only nit-pick is with the use of ‘that’. My mind keeps wanting to read it as ‘this’.

Score: 15/20

---

Title: hungover
Author: Crazy_dude6662

Given the theme, I expected to see this interpretation. I feel it’s somewhat stereo-typical. Punctuation could be tweaked a bit. Forgive me, Crazy, I can’t score this too well. But it took guts to publicly attempt haiku. Kudos for being the first one out there!

Score: 10/20

---

Title: Motor Inn Blues
Author: strangedaze

The subject of this one had me chuckling. I liked your definitive punctuation in here. It left no questions. Unfortunately, it reads 6-7-5. But I can’t help but like it regardless. The mental pic was great in an icky sort of way too. Thanks for posting this one!

Score: 14/20

---

Title: Acceptance
Author: Wookie

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about this one just grabs me. The tone conveyed a myriad of thoughts and the more I read it, the more I could read into it. I liked how it could be tailored to fit the individual and their specific experiences. Great work. However, I had to take into account your haiku does not follow the 5-7-5 but rather, 6-7-5.

Score: 14/20

---

Title: First Morning Together
Author: Kintaris

The overall feel of this was of softness. I like that difference. Although the subject matter isn’t terribly different, the loving overtones certainly add a different perspective.

Score: 15/20

---

Title: None
Author: Ilan Bouchard

I very much enjoyed the little bit of mythology thrown in here. It was a creative way to convey an idea in the limited space of haiku. I’m divided on your last line.

Score: 14/20

---

Title: None
Author: Gordon

I have no problem in saying scoring your piece is an intimidating experience. From reading some of your other work, it’s clear you are a talented poet. Having said that, I had to read this piece several times before it started to sink in. On the surface read, it left me relatively untouched, but as I re-read, I looked for something more. I think I found it in the second line.

Score: 15/20

---

Title: None
Author: Gohn67

First, let me say thank you for making it harder. Where’s the loyalty, fellow mentor?!? Heh. Second, oh, Gohn, yuck! Vomit spray…ugh. You’ve managed to give me a near physical reaction. I have to give you points for that, however, you missed on the 5-7-5.

Score: 13/20

---

Title: None
Author: Lonewolf

I really liked how you described the light. Well done there! I wasn’t fond of the use of ‘gin-soaked’; it just felt a little over done. Your punctuation lead me in a straight line from point A to point B. Nice and smooth.

Score: 15/20

---

Title: The Morning After
Author: Journyman161

Since you posted two poems, I picked the one I liked the best and will score on that. I enjoyed the imagery with this one. It gave a good overall impression of that moment when one first wakes up; that space between dreams and wakefulness. Nice job with meaningful worlds.
EDIT: I now see that you posted three poems. I scored as I went along and since it takes a significant amount of time to do this, I'm going to stay with my original posting.

Score: 15/20

---

Title: Forbidden pleasures
Author: Kelhanion

Tantalizing! I liked the use of the word ‘sin’. I felt you let the flow falter with the last line. Overall, a nice yummy feel to the piece.

Score: 13/20

---

Title: None
Author: petrel}

On first read, I was unsure of your poem. But the more I read it, the more I got out of it. The way your smoothed down those sharp lines of the morning after, and the overall spiritual aspect of it all, made this an enjoyable read.

Score: 15/20

---

Title: The Last Party
Author: Philo

Harsh. I get an impression of green glass shards and cold morning light with this. Nicely done. I admire the stark reality in your interpretation. Great.

Score: 15/20

---

Title: After What?
Author: Farror

HA! What can I say; this gave me a laugh. It leaves a lot to the imagination. I would have liked to see a question mark at the end of that first line to solidify the question.
Thank you for jumping in there.

Score: 14/20

---

Title: Bed
Author: J_Luis

Now, how did I know your poem would have strong sexual overtones?…heh. I like the simplicity here. You used every word to its fullest. I’m not a fan of cussing for effect, but I think it works here.

Score: 14/20

--

Title: I and I
Author: Druid

I couldn’t quite get the idea of this one. I’m sorry I can give a better review, Druid.

Score: 10/20

---

Title: None
Author: littlelostboy

Good work with the visual, but the lack of punctuation and the improper use of ‘its’ sticks out like a sore thumb.

Score: 10/20

---

Title: Not Again
Author: TsuTseQ

Interesting. The second line really makes me stop and think; to try to figure out just what it’s saying. I’m still digesting it, but I like the fragmented feeling of first waking up you create here.

Score: 15/20

---

Title: None
Author: ms_vodka

Ouch. I like the original way of describing a hang over. The also enjoyed that the flow was one complete thought. Great job! I expected nothing less from you. Heh.

Score: 16/20

---

Title: Trapped
Author: Cipher2

I like the way you presented the confusion. Eloquent way of doing it. There’s only one ‘t’ in limited, though. Still, I like the feel you’ve created here.

Score: 14/20

---

Title: Attack of the 1000-foot Mushrooms
Author: Speculative

I’m having a hard time connecting your poem with the theme of the morning after. It feels somewhat disjointed. However, it does leave me with a definite feel, even if it’s not a long the lines of the topic.

Score: 12/20

---

Title: None
Author: a15haddad

Fluid. I can easily recall that sickening feel of spinning rooms when reading this. I think the tone works well here too. The last line gave me a smile. Thanks for posting this one.

Score: 15/20

---

Title: DWAI
Author: barsturm

A creative idea for the drinking idea! I like this. The first line didn’t do a lot for me, but it picked up as I got to the end. Nicely done.

Score: 15/20

---

Title: None
Author: JSuK

I’m going to have to go a long with the one you pointed out as your entry, but it doesn’t fit the theme. The second one would have served better. I didn’t find it overly stimulating. Technically it’s sound, but there was little to set it apart. I wish I could say more because you got out there and got involved; something to be admired.

Score: 9/20

---
 

bobothegoat

Senior Member
Alright, here they are.

[disc:5feccad354]Keep in mind that many of these scores had to be subjected to my opinion. Please try to emphasize with the difficulty of scoring a piece with more points than there are syllables :? .[/disc:5feccad354]

So, without further ado:

Crazy dude6662: “Hungover”
There were two things that I didn’t like about this one. First off, the second line makes it seem as though the eyes are what are feeling sick, which made me scratch my head a bit. The second line’s comma and ending didn’t seem strong enough to me. Despite the fact that these are only two criticisms, the shortness of the haiku format made them more pronounced.
14/20

Strangedaze: “Motor Inn Blues”
A lot of points were docked from this one because the middle line was only six syllables long by my count. Other than that, the second line didn’t really make sense to me. I’m assuming that it was saying the condom is in his pocket, but it was still too confusing for me.
12/20

Wookie: “Acceptance”
Consistent vocabulary and a straightforward approach to it made me like this one. This was one of my favorite pieces.
19/20

Kintaris: “First Morning Together”
In general, it’s not bad. I only have one complaint on this. Call me crazy, but the middle line didn’t seem consistent with the rest of the poem.
15/20

Ilan Bouchard: [untitled]
This piece was certainly distinguished from the other pieces by its style. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a style I’m overly fond of. That said, it was well done for that style- it was consistent, readable, etc.
16/20

gordon: [untitled]
It took me a bit, but I think I may have an understanding of this piece now. Granted, it could be an incorrect understanding of it… Anyway, I
15/20

gohn67: [untitled]
I’m honestly not very intrigued by this piece. The last line seems weird to me, but I can’t figure out if it’s the poem or just me. Anyway, there’s nothing really wrong with this piece, I guess. It’s just not great either.
16/20

Lonewolf: [untitled]
I liked how the end had a very conclusive feel to it though. The end of the second line almost seems to disrupt the piece a bit at first, but I warmed up to it upon a second read.
17/20

Rico: “First Morning Together”
I felt that some punctuation (ie, commas) might have helped add further distictness to the lines. However, even without them, this piece works well. Nice work.
18/20

demonic_harmonic: “Secret”
I can see that technically your piece falls under the rules of haiku that Pawn has posted. However, the second line's ending seemed more like it was part of the next line. Of course, that would make it 5-6-6. I enjoyed the poem greatly though
16/20

Kelhanion: “Forbidden Pleasures”
I like this piece. The style was consistent; the haiku made sense to me. One problem though was that I was having difficulty figuring out how this fits the theme. Oh well. Broad interpretation of it I guess.
17/20

petrel}: [untitled]
I liked this for the most part, but sort of felt that it was lacking something. I, unfortunately, cannot say what exactly, though. It’s still solid.
17/20

Hand: [untitled]
I liked this one a lot. I sort of feel that some quotations surrounding the first and second lines, but perhaps I’m just used to prose. Anyway, this was a different approach than other people took, and it paid off in my mind
19/20

Philo: “The Last Party”
A couple other people did entries similar to this one. I felt that punctuation would have helped this piece. Perhaps I missed a stylistic reasoning behind this? Anyway, it’s solid, but not spectacular.
16/20

Farror: “After What?”
I felt punctuation would have helped this piece. The lines are done well though. It also had a bit of difficulty determining how this exactly fit into the theme. I saw a broad way of it doing so, so that’s okay I guess.
15/20

J Luis: “Bed”
I liked the punctuation and line spacing in this piece. It was pretty well-done, though the language was a bit colorful. The only thing dragging this down is that there were a number of other entries doing the same topic. And the “who’s that?” line was used a lot too.
14/20

Druid “I and I”
I’m really sorry to have to say this, but the piece’s wording confused me. It’s not the word solipsism that’s the problem (I’m glad I had to look it up- now I know a new word), but the wording is. Maybe I’m just missing something.
12/20

littlelostboy: [untitled]
I like this one. It’s straightforward style was done well. The only downside to this is that it’s also a fairly common approach to this theme. It’s well written, but I still wasn’t that original of a topic.
16/20

TsuTseQ: “Not Again”
It seems like you’re trying to put too much into this piece and it ended getting me a bit confused. Perhaps there was something good in there, but I had too much difficulty trying to understand it.
14/20

ms. vodka: [untitled]
I liked the imagery you put in this poem. I think the second line is an analogy? I think it was phrased a bit funny, but still a decent piece.
16/20

Cipher: “Trapped”
I think punctuation would have helped this piece- particularly a question mark at the end. It also sounds funny to me when I read it. I’m not really sure why though.
15/20

speculative: “Attack of the 1000 foot Mushrooms”
I like this one. Perhaps it’s because it’s different and I think I know what this is about. This one was one of my favorite ones. On a side note, I noticed the punctuation at the end… nice personal touch.
19/20

a15haddad: [untitled]
Repetition seems a bit out of place in a short piece like hiaku. There wasn’t anything that grabbed me about this piece. So while it wasn’t bad, it really wasn’t that great either.
14/20

journyman161: {“A Hard Night’s Day”
The title immediately sold me. I liked this piece and thought it was very well done. The last line cause my brain to shut-down for a second though, and I had to go reread it. But maybe it’s just me…
17/20

burnsturm: “DWAI”
I liked the different language used in this. It seemed to have a much more casual feel to it than other pieces. My only problem is that I’m not sure what an O R is. But I’m not going to deduct you for my ignorance.
17/20

JsuK: [untitled] (the night before hangover)
This seems to be the most common approach to the theme. This one, however, is not in the morning after as the theme says. Still, it goes with your other one--which does fit that. To be honest, nothing about this really grabbed me though
14/20

eggo: “Hillbilly Heaven”
This one made me chuckle. I had to read it a few times to get it, but I think I’m just slow right now. This is a solid piece.
17/20
 

daniela

Senior Member
[an:ec8014cf8d]I couldn't bear to give any of you guys lower than a ten so many of you received similar scores when I added up the totals. Take it as my recognition of the effort each of you put into your submissions and a sign of respect for all those attempting that which I dare not.

In addition to valeca's comment about time and effort, please don't forget we judges are volunteers (or slaves, depending on whom you ask). :wink:

--DM--[/an:ec8014cf8d]

This is a long list so here are my top three and their scores (scroll down if you want to read the comments):

Ilan Bouchard - 19/20
Hand - 18/20
demonic_harmonic - 17/20




Title: hungover
Author: Crazy_dude6662

This is a nice effort. You captured what it feels like to be hung-over (or so I'm told). However, the repetition of "feeling" spoilt it for me. I think you would have done better if you had gotten out a thesaurus. Don't be afraid to play with words more and try to find interesting, original phrasing.

Score: 11/20


Title: Motor Inn Blues
Author: strangedaze

Wonderful job, strangedaze. The colon in the second line threw me off a bit at first because you had one syllable left and could have used "in." After reading it several times, though, your way is much more effective. It packs more of a punch than using "in" would have. The ending was a pleasant surprise. I thought you were going somewhere else with it at first (since this forum caters to young'uns as well as adults I won't say what). Overall, I found this to be very creative and original. Sadly I could not score it higher because the syllable count is supposed to be 5-7-5.

Score: 16/20


Title: Acceptance
Author: Wookie

Not bad. I think I would have preferred this if you had switched the last line with the first though. Of course that would necessitate a change of the last line to "Innocence lost and" but I think it still works that way. It's just that "Stark realization" would have made a much stronger ending than the original. Other than that, you made good word choices and pulled this off very well. I'm not going to take off for syllable count because the common pronunciation of "realization" (where I live at least) is misleading because you only hear four syllables when there are really five.

Score: 14/20


Title: First Morning Together
Author: kintaris

This entry brings to mind a particular saying that I believe originated in the armed forces: Keep It Simple Stupid. Your simple phrasing and word choice serves you well here. You've turned out a nice poem that evokes strong images and emotions.

Score: 12/20


Title: untitled
Author: Ilan Bouchard

Delightful word choices, Ilan. I particularly enjoyed your use of the word "lethe." It has been so long since I've seen or heard "lethe" that I almost forgot it existed. I happen to be a huge fan of Greek mythology. To you, master of several poetic forms, I could not resist giving a well-deserved almost perfect score.

Score: 19/20


Title: untitled
Author: gordon

Another simple, effective haiku. I have to say that I don't normally get your poetry (what else would one expect from an unenlightened fool like me?) but this haiku was something I could enjoy. I did take off a point or two because I didn't quite like the middle line the way it was written. Other than that, you did a great job.

Score: 16/20


Title: untitled
Author: gohn67

*chuckles* Leave it to you to come up with something like "Vomit Spray Gun." In spite of the missing syllable, it's a perfect opening line. If there was a prize for funniest submission, I am sure you would be a strong contender.

Score: 14/20


Title: untitled
Author: Lonewolf

I can't say much about this one other than I liked your word play. It's not exactly an original take on the theme but I think you made it your own when you chose "Adolescent light" for your first line.

Score: 16/20


Title: Morning after the First
Author: Rico

Bah! You made me change your score. Doesn't matter too much because it's slightly higher this time but all that hard work... Oh, right. I'm supposed to be commenting on the haiku. Let's see, it's a little edgy and you definitely chose a strong subject. I say you did a decent job.

Score: 16/20


Title: Secret
Author: demonic_harmonic

Clever little minx. You really had me fooled there at the end. So much so that at first I scored you lower until I "saw the light" and figured out your take on the theme was more complex than I had thought.

Score: 17/20


Title: Forbidden pleasures
Author: Kelhanion

It's strange what people will come up with when they are given the theme "The Morning After." Yours was one of the more unique pieces submitted and I really enjoyed it. Thanks for writing something that could be interpreted a couple of ways, each funnier than the last.

Score: 14/20


Title: untitled
Author: petrel}

I'm not sure if I interpreted this right but I really don't want to know because I like what I read. That all I have to say for now. Go and get ready for the next competition because I expect you to be a strong contender again.

Score: 16/20


Title: untitled
Author: Hand

Ah, humor... If I still engaged in the fine arts on a daily basis I'm sure I could have come up with a good cartoon for this haiku. Strong imagery and emotions evoked using simple but intelligent phrasing brings this piece up a notch from what would have been ordinary if you hadn't handled it so well. Excellent job!

Score: 18/20


Title: The Last Party
Author: Philo

This is similar to some of the others, but the language and imagery made it stand out. I would have preferred if you had punctuated the last but the poem is almost as good without it.

Score: 16/20


Title: After What?
Author: Farror

Good take on the theme, Farror. I think I would have liked this better if you had included some punctuation (since we have left the realm of traditional haiku--as I understand it--with the subject matter and including titles one more broken rule won't hurt). Still, nice effort overall. The humorous ones are my favourite.

Score: 14/20


Title: Bed
Author: J Luis

Not completely original but it was nice. The language suited the situation and the punctuation worked out well.

Score: 14/20


Title: I and I
Author: Druid

I know what all those words mean but your haiku still went straight over my head. I couldn't quite grasp what you were getting at. The last two lines make sense; it's the first one that throws me off every time I read the darn thing. It saddens me because I feel that I'm probably missing out on something really good. I wish I could just toss out the first line and score you on the last two alone but it wouldn't be fair to the others.

Score: 12/20


Title: untitled
Author: littlelostboy

Nice idea but you could have executed it better. Your middle line was the best except for "on me." A technique that works for some when writing each haiku is to treat each line as a mini-poem. Don't take my word on it though--there is a reason why you almost never see a post by me in the Poetry forum. Good effort.

Score: 12/20


Title: Not Again
Author: TsuTseQ

You presented some interesting lines but I don't think haiku was the right poetry form for them. They're good so I hope you'll use them in another work. Unfortunately, I can only judge what I see before me, not potential.

Score: 13/20


Title: untitled
Author: ms. vodka

Just reading those last lines made me wince and I've never done anything to cause an extreme sensitivity to light like that. I took some points off because this didn't feel final to me. I realize I shouldn't expect a nice, clear conclusion but you left me wanting more and not in a good way when the challenge is to post a single haiku based on a set theme. This might be really awesome as a part of a series.

Score: 16/20


Title: Trapped
Author: Cipher

It seems silly to base a score on missing punctuation and a spelling error but that's what I did here. They really throw me off when I'm trying to let the words flow in my mind and really get into the poem. Otherwise, it was a good haiku if a bit similar to some of the others. The title tied into the piece well.

Score: 12/20


Title: Attack of the 1000-foot Mushrooms
Author: speculative

This was good but I must admit I don't see how it relates to the theme, "The Morning After." I'm probably just being dense as usual, however, I still have to take points off. It's a shame because I really liked this one.

Score: 10/20


Title: untitled
Author: a15haddad

I am adverse to repetition in haiku (I know, a silly bias to have) and I see no reason to change my opinion after reading your entry. The first lines don't mesh with the last one; I can't sense the emotion in them. It comes across as clinical and I don't think that is what you were going for.

Score: 12/20


Title: A Hard Night's Day
Author: journyman161

Great title! It works well with your haiku, which builds as I imagine a hangover would. Now, about your score. I would have given you higher but the punctuation in the last line threw me off. That semi-colon doesn't work. I probably would have gone with a comma or an em-dash. It was a good effort though and deserving of a high score.

Score: 16/20


Title: DWAI
Author: barnstrum

It's nice to see someone touch on another consequence of drinking instead of sticking to the usual hangover or waking up in strange places. The tone and language for this haiku were almost perfect. Nice job. I hope this wasn't based on a personal experience.

Score: 14/20


Title: Night before the hangover
Author: JSuK

This was good. The first two lines were great but the last one could have been better. "Oh" seems like it was tacked on merely to fulfill the syllable requirement, not because it should have been there. You probably could have found another way to write it and still have the five syllables. Finally, it pains me to do it but I had to take off a few points from your score because you did not stick to the theme.

Score: 13/20


Title: Hillbilly Heaven
Author: eggo

Again, I can't see how this relates to the theme. If this was the morning after the death of his sister, it doesn't come across that way. The haiku feels as if it takes place during or immediately after the event. I apologize if I am interpreting this wrong and there is really a deeper meaning but I don't feel I can give out a couple of extra points just in case I'm missing something.

Score: 12/20
 
A

Aevin

[an:8e28ec6ae1]I apologize in advance--because of the number of reviews, these must be more impersonal than I usually prefer. If you want me to explain something or want to make me feel bad for rating you too low, feel free to PM me.

I know this sounds cheesy, but to everyone who participated, please don't think too much on the scores. All the entries were a pleasure to read, and I consider you all winners for successfully writing in this form.

--Aevin[/an:8e28ec6ae1]

Top 3
1. eggo, "Hillbilly Heaven" 19/20
2. demonic_harmonic, "Secret" 18/20
Tied for third:
- Ilan Bouchard, "Lethe" 17/20
- ms vodka, "Alive" 17/20
- journeyman161, "A Hard Night's Day" 17/20


Title: Hungover
Author: Crazy dude6662

The opening line got me--the fuzzy tongue image was nice (especially with the Grinch avatar, though I can't score you for that :wink:). Unfortunately, the poem declined from there. The second line felt trite and forced into a syllable count. The second and third lines seemed a little obvious.

Score: 9/20


Title: Motor Inn Blues
Author: strangedaze

I really liked this. Tone was superb, and imagery was delightfully blunt. Because I'm dense, I don't get the last line. You used punctuation and grammar in an unusual way to create your tone, and showed some great writing skills for such a short poem. Unfortunately, when you miscount syllables in a three line poem, I don't feel very forgiving.

Score: 14/20


Title: Acceptance
Author: Wookie

The opening line was a little trite: seems like I've seen those words together a little too often. Nonetheless, I would have been delighted by such large words in a Haiku--if the syllable counts had been correct. "Stark re-al-iz-a-tion" comes out to six syllables. On the whole, I was impressed by your vocabulary, but couldn't react well emotionally to it. You might have focused more on imagery in such a short piece.

Score: 11/20


Title: First Morning Together
Author: kintaris

I liked this. From the opening image of the light bathing skin (pictured that one really well, sun rippling like water), I was intrigued. The flow and tone of the poem were absolutely lovely. I think other reviewers might rate this higher--points deducted were mainly because of my personal preferences in literature. Great job, but it's not really my kind of poem.

Score: 15/20


Title: NO TITLE?!!! ILAN!
Author: Ilan Bouchard

Excellent job, Ilan! You've used good vocabulary, while also maintaining great imagery. Tone is awesome, punctuation and grammar are utilised perfectly as tools, and all in only three lines. Quite an accomplishment. And because of my love of mythology, any poem with the word "Lethe" in it is liable to get bonus points. :wink: I wish you weren't so good--you'll make me look biased. Points deducted almost exclusively for the lack of a title. I'm picky in that way.

Score: 17/20


Title: Tomorrow Never Comes ...
Author: gordon

I'm afraid I wasn't too fond of this one, gordon. Maybe I'm being picky, but when people don't love their own piece enough to at least title it, it's hard for me to love it. Punctuation was a little lazy--I don't see anything artistic about "miscaps" and spelling errors. The second line was strange--I appreciate what you were trying to do by reorganizing the parts of speech in a sentence, but it just reads awkwardly, as if you're straining for the syllable count--which, by the way, was incorrect on the first line. The tone of the piece, however, was pretty good.

Score: 8/20


Title: Gohn's Scary Beyond All Reason Haiku
Author: gohn67

The tone of this piece was excellent. Sounded just like a hungover teenager moaning sarcastically about facing his day. Reading solely for enjoyment, I loved this piece. However, I can't ignore ... There's no title. The bigger problem is that the first line has only four syllables, and the second has only six. Since the Haiku form is primarily about the syllable counts, these were fatal problems to an otherwise great poem.

Score: 12/20


Title: "Adolescent Light"
Author: LoneWolf

I'm getting downright anal about people not titling their poems. Nonetheless, I really liked this one. By now, I've read enough of these to identify the phrase "gin-soaked" as cliché, but I really liked your use of punctuation, and you forced the line breaks and syllable counts to work for you. I can't connect too well emotionally to the theme, but I liked it, all the same. A worthy Haiku--good job, LoneWolf!

Score: 16/20


Title: Morning After the First
Author: Rico

The first line grabbed my attention. Seized it, really. Unfortunately, the second line was less inspired. While I appreciate the implication of the emotion behind it, I feel like a little more imagery here would have been a powerful addition. The last line was an excellent and surprising conclusion. Good job, overall, but the second line was very weak. Punctuation is "correct" enough for poetry, but you could have used it for still greater effect--M dashes are a poet's friend!

Score: 15/20


Title: Secret
Author: demonic_harmonic

Hee hee. Your poem is similar to Rico's in theme, and posted right after his. It's fun to have two different takes on a similar situation. Yours was excellent because it relied on imagery. I worried in some places the imagery was a little trite, but after reaching the end I see you used that to make the final line more surprising. You also used the line breaks and syllable counts to make your point, instead of letting your poem be a slave to the required syllable counts. Excellent job, DH!

Score: 18/20


Title: Forbidden Pleasures
Author: Kelhanion

Hee hee. Spoken like a true bibliophile. Or "ecritophile," if there is such a word. There should be. I guess I'll be reviewing these delicious sins of others for at least another hour! Well, I got a chuckle out of this one, but it didn't really affect me too powerfully. Perhaps comedy just isn't my genre. Punctuation could have been utilised at a more expert level to make your comedy more striking.

Score: 14/20


Title: <Petrel's Clever Title
Author: Petrel}

Call me dense, but I really didn't get this one. I'm not sure what the situation is, and I get no concept of character. I liked the phrase "midnight baptism," but really didn't know what it meant--it just sounded cool. A title might have been used to ground the reader in a specific situation, to give a clue what the poem was really about. Unfortunately, the Aevin is stumped. ... Okay, this is me looking back later. Is this after a birth? "Midnight baptism" could refer to the breaking of a mother's water. It makes a little more sense in this context, so I've raised your score slightly. If this is indeed what you meant, you still should give the reader a few more clues.

Score: 12/20


Title: "Both Ways"
Author: Hand

The nice thing about this is that it flows very well. I barely notice its a Haiku at all because all of it reads smoothly as dialog, the "grumbling" of the narrator's spirit. At the same time, I can't really get into it, perhaps for the same reason. It feels like it's over too quick, like there was more to this story. It almost feels like you've turned your entire poem into the punchline of a joke. Sorry, but this isn't really my type of thing.

Score: 11/20


Title: The Last Party
Author: Philo

I liked this one a lot. Your imagery is great--I especially loved the choice of verbs in the first line, that the bottles are "glittering" crumbs. Neat description of the after-party mayhem. However, I find it extremely unnerving that an author as clearly talented as yourself has made absolutely no effort to punctuate. No caps. No commas. Not even a question mark after your final line. Sorry to say it, but you're the first author for whom I've deducted a full five points for punctuation. As a piece of entertainment, this is great, but as a competitive piece your lack of punctuation hurt you way too much.

Score: 12/20


Title: After What?
Author: Farror

You made me smile, Farror. This is another case where the poet has successfully utilized the Haiku form so it works for him or her, instead of vice-versa. I enjoy poems that have this kind of "punch-line" in the ending. Fun to read. Unfortunately, you didn't punctuate it at all, and I always find that aggrivating. It can be used to help the flow of a poem in certain cases, but in this case it came across more as sloppy than artistic. That, and the fact the poem is lacking in imagery, makes this not one of my favorites.

Score: 12/20


Title: Bed
Author: J Luis

I always enjoy it when someone's bold enough to use blatant profanity in poetry. No sarcasm intended. Your poem had a strong voice--as that of the "common man" (or woman), and your use of profanity emphasized that. Unfortunately, I found your choice of theme way too obvious, and there wasn't anything particularly clever about its execution. If I'd seen it on in its own, I might have enjoyed it more, but taken with others' work, it's just too common.

Score: 12/20


Title: I and I
Author: Druid

I was going to dock points for an incorrect syllable count on the second line, but the dictionary is on your side. I would pronounce the word "sol-lip-siz-um," but the dictionary assured me that "sism" is only one syllable. :shrug: I'm afraid I didn't like this one much. You're asking me to dig a little too deeply to decipher a meaning I don't even know is worth my time, and the grammar was simply confusing. I can barely unravel what it's saying, which is why in spite of the complexity of the writing, this earned from me one of the lowest scores.

Score: 8/20


Title: "Ten in the Morning"
Author: littlelostboy

I don't really appreciate the gross-out effect. When I think of Haiku, I think of a lovely poem that flows fluidly ... Yours isn't like that. It just ... grossed me out. But you must have done something right, because whenever I think about it, my stomach and gorge seem to react. I'm confused: I really can't say it doesn't affect me, but it's not really quality writing, either. Aw well ... I'll give you half points--plus one, 'cause your username is so darned cute. I'm really sorry--this is the worst review ever. It's getting late. :roll:

Score: 11/20


Title: Not Again
Author: TsuTseQ

Not bad. I liked your use of the dash--lots of people don't use them enough, but I tend to overuse them because I love them. Yours is effective. I liked the fact that the questions in the narrator's mind are DOING something. It seems to emphasize the confusion s/he feels on waking. Unfortunately, the final line seemed to fall flat. A boring ending to an otherwise entertaining poem.

Score: 14/20


Title: "Alive"
Author: ms. vodka

Excellent job! The imagery of the "white hot coat hanger" was especially striking. The only problem with this was that I felt it was too short--a funny complaint for a Haiku. I felt like you wanted to say more, like this image was the first in what might have been a longer poem about waking up in the morning. It doesn't really feel complete in itself, somehow. Feels like it's the beginning of a longer poem. Very entertaining and vivid, nonetheless.

Score: 17/20


Title: Trapped
Author: Cipher2

I really liked this one, Cipher. Makes me think of a character waking up in the morning, looking up at the bumps in the ceiling as if it's the surface of another planet. Through this "limited horizon," the world of the spinning ceiling is all he can know. In short? Your imagery is beautiful because it calls up lots of other images with the use of just a little imagination. 'Limited" is spelled incorrectly, and better punctuation might have been used to dictate the flow of your Haiku. Good job overall!

Score: 16/20


Title: Attack of the 1,000-Foot Mushrooms
Author: speculative

This is one of those poems where I feel like I'm too dense to understand what is undoubtedly a great poem. I love the imagery--something which I take to be essential for a great Haiku--but unfortunately don't understand the situation enough to get a lot of meaning out of it. The title doesn't shed any light--is it supposed to reveal something about the poem? It just confuses me more. If you're going for a specific situation here, you might give the reader more clues either in the title or the poem itself.

Score: 15/20


Title: "Rotation"
Author: a15addad

One thing I liked was your use of commas in the second line to provide pauses and emphasize a rhythm. What I didn't enjoy was the way you repeated yourself in the first and second line. In a poem as short as the Haiku, you should probably take better advantage of the space you do have. I had a hard time responding meaningfully to this poem; I felt like it just wasn't saying enough.

Score: 12/20


Title: A Hard Night's Day
Author: journeyman161

This was a good one, and proves to me that you have consistent skill with the Haiku form. Compared to your first poem I read, this one's a little more sparse on imagery. Also, the idea of waking up with a hangover headache has been beaten to death by this crowd. Still, I enjoyed the entire poem, and have no real complaints--except that I liked your first one a lot more.

Score: 17/20


Title: DWAI
Author: barnsturm

... It's acronymally good! Actually, I have very little idea what it's saying. The acronyms and abreviations have lost me. All I can figure is ... he's using camel cash from cigarettes to pay the fee on an impounded pickup truck? *shrugs helplessly* I did enjoy the tone--sounded an awful lot like a redneck speaking, to me. There's got to be a really logical explanation for the theme of this poem, but I'm not finding anything in the poem itself that's shedding light on it.

Score: 13/20



Title: Night Before the Hangover
Author: JSuK

This poem was pretty cool. I felt a nice progression in it--each line revealed more of the complete picture of this drunk guy. After reading the first line, I thought, "Oh! He must be happy." After the second, "Why's he look like that?" After the third, it all made sense. You could have used better punctuation to make certain parts stand out, or simply punctuated the grammar correctly to make it look more professional. And the theme was supposed to be the "Morning After," not the "Night Before." Did you misread the theme of the challenge?

Score: 12/20


Title: Hillbilly Heaven
Author: eggo

I had to read this multiple times, and I still couldn't figure it out completely. In some cases, that leaves me feeling frustrated, but in this case, it's good. I really liked this one, eggo. I loved that you didn't just use imagery, but that your two most powerful images work together--the dark haze "clouds" the narrator's mind makes the reader think of storm clouds, and then the "white lightning" image compliments it. Were your poem just these two lines, I would think highly of it. The final line provides a serious complication which I'm having some trouble interpreting, but it feels very professional. You KNOW what you're doing here, and this is a case where I'm missing a tiny piece that would tie the whole poem together. Even though I can't understand all of this, it feels very good, professional. The spelling "error" "gapping" I take to be a pun on the word "gaping," which also refers to the holes or "gaps." Double meanings are awesome. This is the longest review I've written, partly because this is the last poem I read, and partly because I believe it to be the best. Even though I don't get all of it, this Haiku is clearly great! One point deducted because I'm not sure how well it fits the theme.

Score: 19/20
 

Pawn

Patron
Title: hungover
Author: Crazy dude6662

While you have my respect for posting the first submission, your interpretation sadly lacked creativity, and suffered most heavily in this regard. Punctuation, formatting and meter were of course flawless, but for me the piece didn't involve me.

Score: 10/20

Title: Motor Inn Blues
Author: strangedaze

You rarely disappoint. Haiku is at its best when capturing the essential fabric of a moment, as here demonstrated with graphic flair. While not ultimately succesful in the above regard alone - this was far from the most involving submission - this piece had a pleasing comic undertone which sets it apart. Thematically, we are not awed, yet stylistically we are pleased.

Score: 15/20

Title: Acceptance
Author: Wookie

This piece lives and dies on its ambiguity, which to its credit lends differing interpretations beyond counting (though having just read strangedaze's submission 'unrestrained exhibition' took on less than spiritual connotations). As in strangedaze's work, your use of the colon, much under-used punctuation mark that it is, pleased me. To truly engage me, however, I feel this work might've spent one of its precious lines on something physical: something to complete the sense of moment as poem. Good work, nonetheless.

Score: 13/20

Title: First Morning Together
Author: kintaris

Captivating. Of this, valeca writes 'softness', and certainly I agree. Soft light, soft tones, soft feeling. Simply yet effectively phrased, this piece worked well.

Score: 14/20

Title: Untitled
Author: Ilan Bouchard

Prestigious nomenclature indeed. Highly interesting, effective manipulation of language coupled with a unique approach assure you a high score, yet how am I to exercise my subjectivity upon this? Wrathfully, perhaps? Are your barely coagulant lines to be taken as a foray into genius? Or more of a drunken stumble? Sufficed to say that your first line was both bold and suitably rhetorical, while your second fills the head, and the third empties it.

Score: 17/20

Title: Untitled
Author: gordon

Learning to see passed your often difficult phrasing and poetic quirks has been an interesting experience, and so it is that I attack this poem from every concievable angle. Simple or not so simple - I cannot tell. Better, it matters not.

Score: 13/20

Title: Untitled
Author: gohn67

Cheeky, yet ultimately simple. Certainly, your opening kicks it off with a bang, and the rhyme goes some way to providing resolution, but the second line is largely fodder. For a light-hearted effort at broadening the tone however, I like it.

Score: 13/20

Title: Untitled
Author: LoneWolf

'Adolescant light' - most excellent. You lose a little to Ilan for having only the second gin soaked poem, yet the 'Oh--' is a superlative choice of final sylabble. This is an accomplished and well-crafted piece scoring highly both technically and subjectively, yet for me lacking the final slap of pure truth that would have perfected it.

Score: 16/20

Title: Morning after the First
Author: Rico

What to say here? This is perfective in so much as it flies from the tongue in a single phrasing and lands straight in the smile on my face. Good stuff.

Score: 14/20

Title: Secret
Author: demonic_harmonic

Your first two lines were exceptional, whilst I have slowly come round to your third. Initially I found it far too brutish to live in such a sexy little poem, but, upon prolonged reflection, I can dig it.

Score: 15/20

Title: Forbidden Pleasures
Author: Kelhanion

Ah yes. There goes my review technique: this, I fear, is simply my cup of tea.

Score: 16/20

Title: Untitled
Author: petrel}

I have come to anticipate your certain poetic skill, and my expectations here were far from dashed. My preferred interpretation is unlikely to be yours, yet I see many and none fail to please. If I had a criticism it might be the fragmented nature of the work, yet that is a choice of style and in itself worthwhile. Fond regards, deary.

Score: 14/20

Title: Untitled
Author: Hand

Brilliant interpretation of the theme, and a quirky little poem to boot.

Score: 13/20

Title: The Last Party
Author: Philo

Of all the poems reflecting 'the morning after' in its more traditional sense, I feel this is most accomplished. The assorted refuse and unknown faces are something that few have not known. The title too added a further layer which very much enhanced the work on subsequent readings.

Score: 15/20

Title: After What?
Author: Farror

Congratulations - you got the first laugh out of me. A work unique to this contest and as far as I know to you as an author. I might be interested to see more of this in the future. Clear tone, nice formatting, good work.

Score: 15/20

Title: Bed
Author: J Luis

Yum.

Score: 13/20

Title: I and I
Author: Druid

My my. You've really had a battering from my colleagues. I'm sure you won't take it to heart.

Fascinating, yet I cannot fathom it. What is there beyond this solipsism... why the capitalization on 'Short'... I should never have expected any less from you, of course. You please and intrigue me in equal measure.

Score: 14/20

Title: Untitled
Author: littlelostboy

Ew. Prosaic but effective despite, or perhaps because, of it.

Score: 12/20

Title: Not Again
Author: TsuTseQ

Both your first and last lines made a big impact on me, not least because I can absolutely relate to them. Your second was for me too melodramatic, yet the overall effect of the poem was good: a sensitive, well observed (or remembered) portrait of waking. The rest, we can imagine. You might consider a subtler title.

Score: 14/20

Title: Untitled
Author: Jen

Ouch.

Yum.

Score: 15/20

Title: Trapped
Author: Cipher2

I very much enjoyed this. I'm sure one of the other judges have pointed out 'limited', so I'll spare you that pain. Instead: excellent mixing of imagery and metaphor, nicely titled and effectively executed.

Score: 14/20

Title: Attack of the 1000-foot Mushrooms
Author: speculative

At the risk of ruining my credibility as reviewer, I'll say that I was sorely tempted to award this 20/20 having read only the title. On exploring further, I found myself in an alien, brooding place, indefinate and intriguing. Good stuff.

Score: 14/20

Title: Untitled
Author: a15haddad

Loved the repetition of 'constant rotation'. 'True, real' is for me as much question as statement. In conclusion the abstraction of the piece is well complimented. Nice work.

Score: 15/20

Title: A Hard Night's Day
Author: journyman161

I was disappointed not to be able to score your other work, which concluded with the line 'vapours of dreaming', which could be the single best line I've seen among the works.

A Hard Night's Day is certainly well written, yet remains thematically simplistic, and this for me handicaps it.

Score: 12/20

Title: DWAI
Author: barnsturm

Both an inventive interpretation of the theme and an inventive interpretation of the form itself, not to mention possessing an insta-classic final line: excellent.

Score: 15/20

Title: Untitled
Author: JSuK

Not a bad start, highlighting the supreme drunken paradox of confidence and idiocy, yet the piece trailed off in the final line to meaninglessness.

Score: 10/20

Title: Hillbilly Heaven
Author: eggo

Absurd, yet pleasing - and what more to say? Do we watch your sister, whirled about in the storm, sharing the air with airborne bovines? I know not, but certainly I approve.

Score: 15/20
 

Kelhanion

Senior Member
My thanks to the reviewers, you've had a lot to do (and even more to come should the challenges become more complicated and longer).

An idea: how about a sort of a marathon scoreboard? It could encourage people to take part time after time and the most active and succesfull members would get their spot in the sun.

What I suggest is that the "winner" (as it's not a real competition, right?) gets the amount of points as there are people taking part, the next gets one less and so on through the last one who gets one point. Then the points are added to that member's total score.

After each writing challenge this list would be updated. I'd be willing to do this myself since I'm a bit of a statistics nerd. My Excel is already burning hot.

Just a suggestion, I'll be naturally taking part to the following challenges as well. Just try to stop me.
 

Druid

Member
Excellant!

Most impressive review, you have really outdone yourselves. I was not suspecting such an outstanding criticism! It pleases me to no end. I'm sorry I threw that haiku in there now, but I was testing the judges- honest!

It would be hard for me to explain that Haiku, and I would say from the mass confusion about it, that I must of hit obfuscation somewhere.

I'll be more than ready to blow the critics away in the next Literary Maneuver, though :)
 
I

Ilan Bouchard

Ok guys, your cuts, as promised-- oh... perhaps we'll talk about that in private. :wink:
Like my ego needed any of this. It's about twice the size of my humility already. Aye.

Truly, the LM is wonderful. Much fun to write, and read all the critiques, and many thanks to those who spent all that time reading and critiquing.
 
R

Rico

wow...fourth place...

:lol:

Sorry to whom was it...daniela? that I changed my entry halfway through. There were a lot of haiku on that general theme, so I decide to alter mine a little.

Thanks to everyone who critiqued.

good luck all on the next LM, even though I shall not be present for it....I wish all of you the best :D
 

eggo

Patron
Thank you judges for all of your obvious hard work.

Never did I imagine this great a showing. I tend to limp along bleeding when it comes to poetry. Thank you for a great welcome and score.



~makes plenty of room on the podium for demonic_harmonic~
 

LoneWolf

Senior Member
Sweet! Bitch fight for third!!! I'm so happy I could cry!!!

Wow...I can't believe the judges did all of this...most impressive. Thank y'all for the wonderful feedback and of course (as many have said) your hard work.

I promise promise promise I'll put a subject on it next time! I'm sorrrrry!! Bring on the next one! :twisted:

I heart you all!!
 

Pawn

Patron
Can you feel the love?

I like the marathon score board prospect - if anyone has any opinions of objections on the matter it'd be good to hear them, else methinks I'll run with it.

Had to make a minor alteration to the scoreboard - I managed to miss journyman in fifth place - it's now a top six.

I'm sure I speak for all of the 'judges' (such a cold word for such lovely people :wink: ) when I say that it's been a true pleasure (Aevin almost got the wip out).

Muchos love avec le cookies pour you all.
 

petrel}

Senior Member
Thanks to all you judges, and Pawn, the LM overseer/god, you've all done a wonderful job. I can't wait for the next topic--gimme, gimme.
 

journyman161

Senior Member
I keep coming back here to re-read my reviews! Big thanks to reviewers for an excellent job.

Perhaps instead of 'judges' they could be called 'Appreciators'? Bit less cold. Or Evaluators?

I like the idea of an on-going scoreboard, sounds like a good community glue as well as keeping interest for each new one to come.

Again, Thanks guys!
 
I

Ilan Bouchard

Personally, the whole marathon scoring doesn't sit well with me. It'd feel too much like the scores would matter if they follow you into the next 'competition,' whereas this is just a fun way to get some reviews and read others' works.

And perhaps we could have the top five's (or, in this case, top six) works posted. I want to go read who got the other top scores, but it'd be much more convenient if it were (was?) at the bottom of the scoreboard.
 

eggo

Patron
I am with ilan on this, a marathon tends to be very long and tedious except at the end and the beginning.

One note on my poem,

Due to the global spread here, I think I should explain.

Dark haze clouds my mind
White lightning leaves gapping holes
that was my sister!

White lightning is a bit of a Colloquial term here in the states. It is a type of homemade liquor brewed here in the backwoods. This led to his realization he may have done something with his sister that was not quite normal. :wink:
 

strangedaze

Senior Member
Dude!

Haha I was about to jump on the table and begin stamping my feet like a drunk, but then I read over the syllables and was like, fuck, I did miss a syllable. Sigh. What a bummer - good thing I frequently announce my lack of poetic talent ;) It makes for a good crutch. Good work, everyone! And congrats to Ilan - I thought yours was brilliant.

Andrew
 

strangedaze

Senior Member
You should have seen me in grade 11 math. On the final exam I did two questions, then wrote, 'sorry for wasting your time - have a good summer'. An 8% mark on a final exam would bother most, but I was too busy trying my darndest to get laid. Another failure ;)

Andrew
 

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