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02-07-07 | Political Speech (1 Viewer)

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I'm going to try something a bit different with this one. The word limit is 750 words (I feel this one will benefit with more words to work with) and the format is, obviously, a speech. However, feel free to give the speech yourself or have a character give the speech. (eg. It doesn't have to be all dialogue. A chacter can repsond to "the crowd".)

Beyond that, I don't want to hear your views on abortion or whether or not the United States should be in Iraq. I want to hear your stand on any strange issue you can think of. Butter side up or butter side down? Apples or oranges? Alaska or Canada? ;) Understand where I'm going with this one?

Argue your issue, but make it a strange issue. (Extra points for humor, of course.)

Submission Period: Feb 7th - 21st
Judging period: Feb 22nd - March 1st
Scores posted: March 2nd


Chris Miller

(If you would like to judge, PM me before the submission period is up.)

Also, about judging:
  • Judges are not allowed to give a zero score unless the piece truly earns a zero (in the judge’s eyes) in all three categories.
  • However, a judge is perfectly within his or her rights to refuse to judge an entry on basis of content or anything else. If the judge does not want to score or comment on an entry, the judge must contact the overseer of the competition so the issue can be discussed. After it has been discussed, the judge may or may not score/comment the entry as determined by both the judge and the overseer.
    • If a judge refuses to score/comment on an entry, an “X” will be placed on the final score sheet posted by the overseer. The “missing” score will be composed by averaging the scores of the other judges. The judge will only have to place an “X” on his or her score sheet next to the title of the piece he or she refuses to score/comment on.
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Senior Member
305 Words

I’d like to welcome everyone gathered here today. I know that here I am amongst allies (Insert wild applause). Thank you, thank you. But let us get to the issue at hand. My opponent, Sleazy McSly (booing from the crowd) now calm down everyone, my opponent has made the outrageous ascertain that men have no use…for their nipples (more booing and heckling).

You should boo; this is outrageous! There are, in fact, plenty of uses for the male nipple. I have come prepared today with a partial list (cheering; women holding up babies to be kissed). First, nipples can serve as a thermometer. This might not seem very useful to Mr. McSly but imagine this, it is a cold winter day and you have very important guests over. How are you to tell whether they are comfortable or perhaps too chilly? Their nipples! (People screaming the word “nipples” in the crowd).

Nipples can also serve to gauge proportion. How could you appreciate those male models in magazines without knowing how big their muscles truly are? Nipples serve as a measure so we can tell how big a man’s pecks are in relation to the average nipple size! (Wild cheering; men begin top rip off their shirts).

Finally, and perhaps the most important reason for men to have nipples, is because the good lord says so! (Women begin to throw babies onto the stage). Apparently it has been a while since my opponent has opened the good word. “And on the eighth day god said ‘Let the men have nipples!’ And they did, and it was good.” So when you go out to the polls this year I want you to think about Sleazy McSly and his anti-nipple policies and consider what other useful things he may be overlooking! (Crowd breaks into a dance party).


WF Veterans
214 Words

Ms. Speaker, (clapping) distinguished guests, (clapping) fellow Americans:(clapping)

Today (clapping) we gather (clapping) on this solemn (clapping)... will you stop clapping! Shut the hell up! (clapping)... (sigh) Today we gather on this solemn occasion to discuss an issue so divisive, it is tearing the country apart. Today, my friends, we take history into our own hands and mold our world to make it a better place to live. Ladies and Gentlemen, we are here today and the lacy bits on underwear continue to create itchy discomfort across the continent! We must take action! We must do something now! We must do something now while there is still time to do so!

I have asked Congress to consider a constitutional ban on lacy bits. Lacy bits are destroying America and the American way of life. The Bible defines underwear as a single piece without any lacy bits, and that is where the battle begins. Some Americans think that lacy bits should be allowed, I do not think so. 25% of people in the United States wear lacy bits. Is this what we want our children to grow up with and know?

I ask you, Ladies and Gentlemen, to ban lacy bits and allow me to continue my political career unabated, uncontested, and unlaced! Thank you.


Senior Member
Words = 304

The Twisted Kiss of Treble Clefs

2011, Westminster Abbey
Louis Kalman

It is not a difficult thing to be transfixed by the twisted kiss of treble clefs, but this romantic notion is commonly overlooked. Some things cannot be expressed in monotone. Not even the most beautiful of descriptions can compare with the most beautiful of songs. The brain is a safe, and if you know the combination, it bears tremedous wealth.

In the case of the summoning of Goetic demons, philospohers believe any reported sighting is either a fallacy or a manipulation of the brain. This is accomplished through the sounds of the chanting, the inhalation of the perfume, the sight of the runes. A study was conducted by Herman Ermeir in 2009 where each of the causes of the 'demon sightings' were singled out. The largest response from the twenty specimens (human) was of the chanting.

Ermeir decided to take the experiment to the next level. He used a variety of music --- first country, rock, bluegrass, then some hip hop. As Kevin Federline began to play, the mice went wild within their cages, as if having seen something, then promptly died. The human subjects were either slain by a horde of summoned demons, hemorrhaged from the music, or committed suicide.

We have not been able to investigate the matter, as the music permeated the walls of the testing facility and no one dares enter. No one will repeat the experiment --- we are unsure if this is because they fear death or simply despise hiphop. Either way, they are not inclined to say so.

I say this could benefit all mankind. As Mozart influences babies, music could be incredibly beneficial if we devote time and money spent on other, more mundane things to the diverse study of music. And no, no one will be forced to study "K-Fed".
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Senior Member
403 words​
New Order
“Good afternoon ladies and gentleman. I have been asked to speak to you today by the president himself to inform you of the greatest threat this or any administration has ever encountered. A disturbing trend far greater than the attacks on New York City, the publication of the Star Report, and the recent threats encountered from the Turner Broadcasting System put together.

“I am sad to report that homosexual activity among Americans has decreased since last quarter. Gay marriage proposals have decreased 23% and are declining steadily every day. At this rate, homosexuality could easily become a thing of the past.”

The crowd fell silent and then abruptly burst into a wave of incoherent rambling. “What will we campaign against now!?” shouted an angry senator. “Who will we blame for all the evil in the world!?” yelled another.

“Gentleman! Gentleman! Please! We already have a solution!”

One by one the geriatric generals and leaders of the free world returned to their seats. They leaned in intently to hear the new plan.

“Thank you. Now, we need to find a way to bring homophobia back into the political eye if we are going to keep things in this country peaceful. The president has ordered that in order to revive this lost lifeblood of the party, we must simply act as if homosexuality is acceptable.”

The crowd appeared confused. “And how does he suggest we do that? Paint the White House pink?”

“Don’t be ridiculous congressman, defaming a national monument? We will do no such thing!”

The embarrassed congressman promptly took his seat while the others waited impatiently for the solution. The speaker said nothing more, but rather, stepped off his podium and approached the Secretary of Defense. The two men engaged in a wet, passionate kiss, the sounds of which could be heard down the hall.

“This is outrageous! What kind of solution is this?”

The speaker wiped the spit away and approached the microphone.

“The president has assured me that this will only be temporary. Once the gay community has been lulled into a false sense of security, we can then begin reforming the collapsed society all over again. Surely you all recall the marijuana revival of the 60’s. If it worked then, it’ll work now.”

There was some discussion amongst the crowd, but they soon came to their senses. Slowly at first, the men paired up and followed by example.
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Senior Member
Get er done

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
02-05-2007 10:58

Dear Mike,

I hope this finds you well.
I'm writing because I'm getting tired of waiting for the speech I axed you to write over two days ago.
As you know the matter at hand is urgent and I'd like to address it as soon as I can.
Thanks again,

Brilliant Eagle

To: [email protected]
From [email protected]
02-05-2007 11:02

Mr. President:
I was under the impression that your request for my services would be shortly followed by a payment for the eight previous speeches I've written for you. I have checked and rechecked my Paypal account several times and nothing has shown up as yet. The speech in question is finished and I'll attach it to a future email as soon as I receive even a token payment.

By the way, the URL you sent for the Internal Revenue Service site that promised to tell me about little known tax savings for independent contractors working for the Executive branch didn't work.

Your Servant,
Mike Sikes

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
02-05-2007 13:03


It's good to know that you've finished the speech.
Please send it as soon as you get this.
Just send it in the body of the email as I have trouble finding the attachments when I downlode them.
I've directed my chief of staff to expidite payment to you.

Brilliant Eagle

To: [email protected]
From [email protected]
02-05-2007 13:20

Mr. President:

Paypal still doesn't show any payment, in fact it shows a debit of $1,252.68 to KBR, the Halliburton subsidiary. Since I don't have any dealings with this company I'm going to have to assume your people somehow inadvertently debited my account. I would appreciate it if you could fix this.

I'm currently editing the speech to allow the new information currently being discussed on CNN to be addressed.

Mike Sikes

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
02-05-2007 13:43


Do you know the penalty for treason?

Brillaint Eagle

To: [email protected]
From [email protected]
02-05-2007 14:10

Mr. President:

I just got off the telephone with my bank, they called to tell me that all my accounts have been frozen by the Justice Department.
I've called my lawyers but they've all been arrested by the FBI.

Please find attached the file sp0207.doc
This contains the first half of the speech.

Mr. Michael Sikes

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
02-05-2007 18:18

Dear Mike,

Wow, you really know how to write a speech, if the second half is half as good as the first then the half I already have is twice as good!
I look forward to seeing it.

BTW, there was a little mix-up in my notes that I gave to some intern or another. If you check now you'll see that your bank accounts are up and running and your Paypal is up $1252.68!
I talked to justice and your lawyers have all been released.


To: [email protected]
From [email protected]
02-05-2007 19:10

Mr. President

Thank you for your attention to my little problems.
Indeed, Paypal is back up to what I had this morning.

Please find attached the file sp0207b.doc


Garden of Kadesh

Senior Member
My fellow boxlandians:

There was once a time when the people of Briefsia and Boxlandia lived in relative tranquility. We were neighbors, coworkers, friends, and family. There was a time when the undergarment of a man did not cause conflict, when the decision of a subjective choice did not elicit division among otherwise open-minded and intelligent people.

Why have we let these dark times descend upon us? The horrific civil war we are currently entangled in has no benefit, no definite resolution in sight, and, not unlike a smothering fog, this
haze of hatred clouds our judgement upon what really matters.

A man should not be measured by whether he wears boxers or briefs, but by the magnitude of his character. What started out as mere undergarment pride has progressed to suspicion, insecurity, fervent clothocentrism, and, as we are all aware of, violence. Militant briefsmen and boxers-men groups roam our mangled country in packs, corrupting the innocent, and spreading this tempest of strife. My countrymen; the bloodshed must end.

A woman I know, that lives in the city of Denimia (which now belongs to anarachy) had her family slaughtered by an vicious boxers raiding party. The woman's husband has been rumored to be a briefs-man, and in no time a group of armed men stormed into their house and killed her children and husband. The woman was beaten, and left emotionally distraught in the smoldering ruins that was once her house. The militant briefsians are by no means innocent either, their atrocities run just as deep as ours. Blaming any one group would be fallacious.

Violence can not stop violence. Selecting scapegoats doesn't solve our problems. A settlement must be reached, and the power does not rest in our weak central government - it rests in the hands of the people. Apathy is the meal of this increasingly fat beast that sits upon our laps. A simple change of heart in one person can change the world, and I call upon you to help me - to help us all.

I suggest a compromise, a tradition that has lived amongst our people since the birth of our nation. Boxer-briefs combine the best of both worlds, comfort and support, warmth and elasticity. We shall seek the middleground, and the extremists will fade away. Break free of the chains of prejudice, and join me in the new age of peace.
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A slight scraping echoed across the great hall as pudgy man in a twill jacket made his way to the podium at the end of the stage. His dragging gait was underlined by the fast twitch movements of his head and eyes as he walked. As he reached the podium the spotlight illuminated a face stuck in a kind of squint grimace. The PA whined as he fumbled with the microphone, he quickly gave up his adjustments and cleared his throat.

“Good evening. My name is Edgar Bruells. Most of you know me as Edgar. I’m addressing the council tonight to voice my grievances regarding the closure of Slim’s Casino and Theatre. As we all know, Swinton is a small community, full of families and friends, many, myself included, have lived here all our lives. To say change is always bad would be naïve, and in many ways this town is better place than it was thirty years ago. As our population has increased and time has gone by, I have watched what was once a single two story school for children of all ages become a fine institution of higher learning, fit to send our town’s young off with a better opportunity to succeed. I’ve worked at the mill for nearly half a century now, and saw it grow from a quaint, small town establishment to the export giant it is today, and have reaped many benefits along the way. I have attended these meetings monthly, all the way back to when they were held in the old barn of a generous old man, Mr. Ben “Slim” Crauss. In all the years I have been coming to these meetings I have never addressed the council, never had much reason to. But I didn’t waste all those nights, I learned many a lesson, about people, life, and most of all what it means to be a resident of Swinton. You see, our town is full of good folks, but we are not all the same. We get along though, and that says a lot. That’s why we can’t shut down Slim’s. People like me, we got no family left, we love this town, would never leave, Slim’s is our place. It’s where we go on payday, where we go for laughs, where we’ve been going since as long as we can remember. I know not all of you agree with me, us, the casino boys, but we’ve been doing it for fifty years, and I, we’ve done our best, worked hard and it’s just who I, we’ve become. I couldn’t sit by while Slim’s is shut down, it’s as much a part of Swinton as the mill. Hell, if the mill is heart of Swinton, Slim’s is the soul, and I just can’t stand to think of how old Slim would roll in his grave if we closed down his place. Uh, well, that’s it, just don’t forget about us old dogs when you vote to close down Slim’s. Thank you all for your time.”

As he shuffled back across the stage there was no applause, he glanced slightly at the presiding council, quickly averting his gaze back to his exit. A smugly whispered “degenerate,” emitted from somewhere in the dark hall. Quickly making his way down the stairs and across the aisle he made his way to the door. Crossing the threshold brought the brisk sensation of cool night air to his reddened face. Indeed things had changed for old town, this old Edgar.
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Senior Member

((introduction completed, he enters amid raucous welcome)

Thank you, thank you all. I appreciate your braving the weather to gather here today. I’ll keep this brief so you can return to the warmth and comfort of your homes. (general nods of approval along with some barking laughter)

We are here today because we are at a crossroads in our history. A history fraught with frustration. A history rife with conflicting desires. We want to be happy. We want to please our families. We want to be loved.

But we also want our basic rights. We want to have choices rather than commands. We want a measure of freedom to live our lives unfettered.
We want to have our say.

We are at a defining moment where we need to stand up for our rights. We need to gather our will and cement it in a foundation built on acceptance and respect. We need to be heard in our objection to being treated as lesser beings.

(points to the right) You can be heard!

(points to the left) You can be heard!

(howls of approval ring out from the audience)

We all can be heard if we shout out together!

Our voices will combine into one roaring voice that will rise up and shake the ivory towers of the elite.

I want to be that voice! I want to make them hear!

What will that message be?

NO MORE! Say it with me now! (crowd joins in) NO MORE!

No more clothing! No more fuzzy sweaters that build up static and shock us violently! No more pants that restrict us as we go about our business! No more shoes that don’t fit and make our feet insensitive!

No more food that tastes like chicken, but isn’t. No more beef by-products. No more utterly dry food that goes down like sandpaper. No more standing by waiting for scraps thrown to us by those that think themselves as our masters. When we resort to eating our own feces, it’s time to stand up and say NO MORE!

No more pretending we are going to the park, but are actually going to the doctor! No more being left out in the cold and rain just because we aren’t allowed to enter their hallowed places.

No more being reprimanded for trying to protect our homes and our families from the intruders constantly pounding on our doors. Protecting what is ours is more than our right. It is our imperative. It is our instinct, bred into us from the dawn of time.

And finally, NO MORE CATS!

(deafening howls of approval)

(A shrill whistle rings out follow by: “C’mon Luther, it’s time to leave the park and get you a treat!”

Sorry guys I have to go. Same time tomorrow?
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Senior Member
185 words

Fang Bang

And how is it you feel about presidency
Or should I say its inadequacy?

Please lend an ear and you may be surprised
With the delicate plan I have devised.

It’s as simple as this,
It begins with a kiss.

But not an ordinary kiss,
One usually paired with a hiss.

Yes, a poisonous embrace
That not all of us can face.

I suppose all we need now
Is the snake and the how.

Fret not my dear friends
For it all depends

On the one possibility
That’s within my ability.

Do we all get the mail?
I should hope without fail!

And therein lies the loop
That let’s the snake in the coop.

Dear Mr. Postman I have a package for you,
Give it to worthy Mr. Bush without a clue.

What shall it be?
I ask all thee.

Of course my pet Drake,
What else but a snake?

The Republicans will be sad
When dear Mr. Bush has been had.

He’ll be gone in a flash
With a fang deadly mash.

And that my friends is my proposal
Of a most indecent disposal.

[an]I haven't been here in a while...for that I apologize. I hope to return and why not with an LM.... :)....[/an]
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Senior Member
A New Era (199 words)

"Ladies and gentleman I am very happy to be here today," the political candidate began, only to be drowned out by applause. She smiled and waited for them to stop. It took about half an hour.

“I wish to discuss with you my friends the importance of vitamins in the diet of every American. Particularly in the diets of women.” Once more, the applause became thunderous. She smiled widely and waited in polite silence for them to stop clapping. They did not.

She frowned once, a slight flash of her hidden apathy toward the subject matter that was now important to the American people. The crowd hushed. Her signature smile was back in place so fast people swore it never left her pretty lips.

“I believe that the health of our people depend on the vitamins, now that we have destroyed our planet with nuclear warfare. Therefore, the women come above the men, because they are the providers of life,” The candidate said.

The people cheered loudly.

Suddenly, a shot rang out and the candidate slumped.

She died there while everyone else was trying to figure out what happened.

Apparently, someone did not want the new era she proposed.

I don't think it quite fits the critera, but I enjoyed writing it!


GeneoNutri Powerbars

(new here. I hope this isn't out of line...contains some disturbing ideas -sf)
522 words.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the board. First, I’d like to thank each and every one of you for the wonderful, dedicated work you’ve done this past year. As you all know, our last winter quarter registered an increase in net sales of 1,500% over last year’s. Somewhat off the charts, wouldn’t you say? Our new GeneoNutri line of delicious power bars has all but crushed the competition, and you should be congratulated over such amazing results.

In this post-nuclear war era, the world needs an affordable, no-nonsense, balanced source of nutrition. This world also needs a forward-thinking company which is unafraid of pushing the boundaries of ethics to feed the most deserving of our society.

This world, ladies and gentlemen, needs us.

I met Mr. Worso, the President of the United Continent of the North, over trade benefiting both our company and his country’s net investment. I will not get into the details of our meeting, but what I will say is that it was a success indeed.

We are now faced with a minor choice to make, and this is why -my friends- we are sitting here tonight. I am confident we will come to an agreement in no time. The decision we have to make is, as you’ll soon discover, important to our operations in long term speak. And because both choices are sensible, I welcome your opinions.

The human proteins at the source of our product come from two well-known areas: the metropolis of Trixi and Scamao. The choice we have to make is simple. Convicted murderers on death row are quickly dwindling in numbers. Demand is overtaking the system we have so carefully put into place. So, where are we going to get the proteins we need so much to preserve the lives of our unfortunate clients? We have two options to alleviate this problem.

The cloning of death row convicts in dedicated laboratories is one. Yes, the initial investment will be quite astronomical, but don’t let that frighten you. A well-oiled human cloning facility will output bodies by the thousand a day. Enough to manufacture a hundred thousand GeneoNutri bars a day! At the current twenty five UCN dollars the bar, we can be confident the turn-around will be more than enough to sustain the initial investment. And Mr. Worso guarantees us of a most inexpensive workforce, should we decide to invest in his country.

The other solution involves a quick military intervention within the United Continent of the East borders. We will be able to amass enough dedicated fighters to fetch us a fresh, new supply of enemy proteins. As you already know, full-on war against the UCE is only a matter of time. Mr. Worso –again- guarantees us of his full cooperation.

The best reason we have to initiate war, in these days of precarious nutrition, is to provide our own with a more manageable source of renewable foreign proteins. Of course, our ally fighters will enjoy our GeneoNutri bars while on duty.

Well, ladies and gentleman, I leave it to you to decide. Let’s hear it from you, my dear friends and saviors of this much, much troubled world.
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The War on Silent Letters

Today on Jerry Springer we meet the Prime Minister of some country called England. Tony Blair everyone.

Whooping and booing begin.

Oh fxxk you. Fxxk you, says Tony as he enters the stage

Okay tell me Tony what do you have to say?

It's simple Jerry, I'm here today to discuss the problem of silent letters.

Booing begins. Jerry hands the mic to some over excited woman.

Who are you to tell me that my K, my K should be used or not. Uh huh, my name is Knight this was my Dads name and his before and now you up here telling me I'm gonna have to be Night. Uh, uh.

Sit your ass down lady. Shouts Tony looking a little flustered. He continues.

It's simple the use of silent letters is a, a social problem and growing rapidly in the underclass. We have seen a definite up surge in the names of children called Debt, Dumb, Knife, Ought and the reality is it's spreading and fast.



Shouts the crowd.

Jerry hands the microphone to an audience member.

I'm Italian and we don't pronounce the H and are you telling me that I'm white trash or something?

Jeering ensues and the heavies are called in as Tony and the man square up.

The adverts finish and it's back for Jerry's final thought.

You know in this world there are many different types of people. Some like and some hate people who use silent letters be it their names or anything else. Yet, it comes down to repect and the freedom of speech of us as individuals to understand each other. Take care out there.


Senior Member
597 Words

Stem cell research, or research of stems in cells?

“Ladies and gentlemen,” called the man upon the stage, “I give you, Mr. Si Cronides, third party candidate for the next president of these United Pieces of Land Run by Separate Governments!”

“Thank you! Thank you!” called Si to the cheering masses as he walked on stage. “You are too kind. But I bet you don’t care about my hair, or my suit, you care about where I stand on the issues! I will tell you where I stand on the issues. I stand on the issues!”

The audience stared, dumbfounded.

“And by standing on these issues, I hold them down! I keep them from becoming problems, they stay issues!”

The crowed still sat in a state of confusion.

“That leads me to my next point! Issues, rhymes with tissues, thusly, the more tissues we have, the less issues there will be under my rule, because the over abundance of tissues will use up all available letters reserved for issues!”

The more intelligent members of the audience began to leave.

“Now I shall show my point of view on an issue that effects all of these United Pieces of Land Run by Separate Governments. Stem cell research, or research on stems in cells? I believe we should research how a stem reacts to being in a cell like a common criminal. Will it sprout leaves? Or will it grow cigarettes which it can use to barter for in prison? These could be valuable to our economy! A plant that grows pre-rolled smokes, that is amazing! It would save severely on production.”

Even now, the lesser, but still literate groups of the ever confused crowd began to leave.

“Also, what happens to a stem in solitary? Will it grow more stems to talk to, or will it simply imagine these other stems? All researching of stem cells could do is save a life. Research of stems in cells could save an innocent man from getting knifed for not having the black market smokes that Bhubba J ordered from him. Stems in cells could grow ropes, on which to tie your soap, to avoid anal penetration in the showers by Mr. T-Rod. All a stem cell could do is grow a baby in that now enlarged rectum!

It is at this point that much of the crowd was leaving, minus the ones who had been to prison, and dropped the soap.

“I beseech you. Nay! I don’t beseech you. I request of you, that you listen to me, as I beseech you, to support research of stems in cells, over research of stem cells. Only after accurate research of stems in cells can we do true research on stem cells anyway. Not until we can gauge what happens to a stem in a regular cell, can we adapt cells for the stems.”

Finally, one man remained, a smelly vagabond with a torn jacket made of banana peels.

“Stems in cells! Not cells for stems!” Si began to chant. “Stems in cells! Not cells for stems!”

Suddenly a shot rang out. The vagabond stood there, the only living thing in the auditorium, a grin on his face. He removed his coat and mask to reveal Careal Vanguard, a rival third party candidate. “Greetings. Realize that Mr. Cronides has no control over a crowd, do you trust him to run these United Pieces of Land Run by Separate Governments? I don’t. My name is Careal Vanguard, and I approved, this message.” The man began to walk away. “Oh, and if you tell anyone out there what I did, I will kill you!”
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